.No Fuss Persona.

The Ramadan Journal: “Oh, Mother!”

2011-08-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ramadan, like every year, comes with the expectation and the mindset to sacrifice and let go of our inner desires that we seek out each and every day. This materialistic world and our temporary abode must be of some purpose as we strive to become better, faster, healthier than the past 24 hours while we opt for skim milk in our lattes, park a little farther to walk the distance towards material goods and download another iPhone app to the emoticons of our high-maintained, demanding lifestyle. Life is such. Day in, day out. Over and over again.

Once our wishes are fulfilled and we are content with the academic degrees in our hands, the moneys in the bank & our tummies filled with delicious cuisines, we crash onto the sofa, grab the remote control and space out into the world of entertainment that broadcasts the citizens of this nation looking like utter fools in ‘Jersey Shore’ or makes us feel inferior about our bodies, status and societal appearance in the REAL HOUSEWIVES of Fake Town. We’ve arrived at an Era of ‘self-promoted-hoochie-mamma-ness’ where the face of a Kardashian is beautifully enhanced on Vogue’s front cover and the perception of freedom and sexual independence is celebrated through explicit behavior and Lady Gaga-ish expressions.

As a new mom of a nine month old daughter, I’m often frightened to see the girl-next-door change her face with the slippery temptations of today. This sweet, innocent girl we always so familiarize with, isn’t perhaps living next door anymore; she has moved on to the ‘City of Sex and Sin’ where flirtation is an everyday norm and the show of skin is Carrie Bradshaw’s only wardrobe.
Am I freaking out for no reason? Have I become old-fashioned? I don’t consider myself ignorant as I am flexible to adjust to different cultures and embrace people from all walks of life. However, the alarm that is going off in my head, gives me a warning of what I foresee in future; a bratty, spoiled and narcissistic generation of America’s 21st century’s grandchildren. Aha, Facebook/Twitter and Apple deliverers! You’ve netted your worth on pure, unborn souls.

To this, I’d like to stop and pause. Give me a moment to take a deep breathe. No, I did not use an iPhone app to measure the depth and sincerity of my breath. Leave the breathing up to me as it’s still humanly possible, I suppose. On second thought, my breath I don’t own. This world, I don’t possess. And the future? I’m uncertain of! Oh mother! Where are you mother? Why can’t I just rest my head onto your lap, listen to the sweet sounds of your lullabies like children of yesteryear's and fall into blissful sleep? Where can I find my peace and the soothing answers to my ramblings?

Time for Isha prayers.

“Allahu Akbar” -- God is Great.

I offer my rakaats for Taraveeh Prayers, seated on the carpet floor whilst my daughter is climbing the ‘Great Wall of Mommy’s back’ and pulling onto my silky veil. Her tiny fingers are sturdy enough to help her succeed in the mission she is so eager on accomplishing. I feel her feet softly kicking my ribcage and I smile. I remember the feeling of her movements when expecting last Ramadan. I was ecstatic to carry her and I had flaunted ‘her’ with much elegance. I prayed furiously for a safe pregnancy and delivery sharing a seat next to the elderly in the Mosque whom I’d approach for Salaam and request for prayers. I prayed for my baby’s health, kismet and her every Dua to be heard by Almighty Allah. I knew He knew of my efforts then, but little did I know the gift He was about to shower me with. Today, I sit on the floor trying to control my child from falling and bumping her head once again. I look at her warmly and she babbles away. The feeling of motherly love overcomes me and I realize the difference a year has made for us. And here we are, yet again, a year later...

“Dear God,
Your world is a beautiful one. Forgive me for doubting, for fearing, for questioning. You are the Creator, the Greatest, the Merciful and to You I shall always return for answers.”

Ramadan-ul-Kareem Mubarak!

The Sunday Report

2011-06-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those Sundays where things needed to be done. Such as piled up laundry, throwing away of empty boxes, the unpacking from my latest trip to California and a bunch of things that I need daily for Mehreen. The day started with Mehreen Jaanu* waking us up at 7 AM [omg!]. I then had to take her to the living room which is her permanent play area as it seems like [with all her toys spread all over the living space, one can tell it's only Mehreen's territory]. She then took her morning bottle while crawling all over the place and me in the center of it all, half asleep, trying to be as awake as she was...and I just possibly couldn't be. Why are babies, once they wake up, REALLY awake? Babies don't take the time to rub their eyes, yawn or be really fussy before taking on the day - NO. Babies, such as my own, are way different than the larger human beings of our size. They're alert and they always know what they want. I don't know what happens once they grow up and become us and neither can I go into a detailed explanation of it as I am unaware of it myself. Babies who eventually become us, become us; indecisive, moody, annoying and lazy. So enjoy them as much as you can before they transform into you, ha ha!

My LOVE:

Oh well, but to carry on with this report [what was I sayin'?]...oh yes, so when I was camping out in the living room, I then had hubby dear take care of her as I quickly prepared breakfast. I am lately very much into greek yogurt. I love Oikos Greek Yogurt that comes in strawberry flavor but it gets very annoying when I go grocery shopping and they don't carry my favorite strawberry flavor on their aisle. I really really really don't like that. Oikos is some good stuff and you better not mess with me when it comes to Oikos Strawberry -- it's MIGHTY good.
I love to mix the strawberry mixture, which is at the bottom as it is supposed to be mixed before taking a spoonful. I then get my honey oats granola bar - let me type this as slowly as possible so I can fully enjoy describing it - I open the green package and then scrape the granola off of the bar into my bowl of yogurt. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. This process alone makes me wanna wake up in the morning to my dear sweet Oikos.

You must think that I've gone senile, but I am a self declared foodie. I love food that is healthy and tasty and when I find the right product, I become the most loyalist consumer that product can ever have...ever.
Our much needed trip to the grocery store and Walmart was a team effort in which hubby and I seemed to work harmoniously together. He wanted to visit the Garden Center for his over obsessive gardening hobby and I wanted to get my hands on Oikos as well as Mehreen's essentials. [notice how I put Oikos before Mehreen's stuff. Uh oh]. When our list had come to zero items, we found ourselves ready to be taken care of at the register. Yes, I did get my strawberry yogurt. By now, you must be feeling concerned for my impossible craving or maybe I'm just assuming while you are smartly ignoring my crazy behavior. I'd say: IGNORE.

Life as we know it, is surely a blessing with the grace of God. I just wish the heat of Houston wasn't so...so...incredibly suffocating. It becomes hard to even step outside and enjoy the outdoors. Oh well, it's all okay.

OK.

;)

xoxo,

Naila~

* Jaanu (in Urdu) = Darling

The princess of my heart...

2011-04-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Mehreen~

It's been a while I haven't written about you. And for that, I will blame you. :) You are keeping me very busy with your constant crawling and nudging your cute little head into all crooks and nooks of the house. Oh yes, you are only six months old and you already crawl like a pro! You seem to very much ignore the playmat and the playground area I've set up for you in the living room and instead you focus on furniture items or that one shiny vase you've set your eyes upon! You love the company of people. Yesterday, I took you to the mosque for Jumma prayers and you were behaving like a little angel. Not once did you cry or whine. I was so proud of you.

That however changed as soon as we sat in the car. My dear, you hate sitting in your car seat; if it were up to you, you'd be free like a bird flying high.
As a six monther, you are now allowed to eat. Yesterday, daddy had (finally!) ensembled your highchair and we had our very first meal on your majestic high chair. I fed you squash and you hated it. You do very much like the combo of apple and banana, but it depends on your moods. Sometimes, you get so distracted, that it is hard for mommy to spoon feed you. My baby, you are one handful! :)

But I love you, adore you, love you again and again. In your eyes I see my entire world. We are nearing the month of May, Inshallah. Time goes by fast now. At first, I thought the time was on standstill when you were a tiny baby still in my arms acting like a baby, ha ha! But now, I am chasing you around! When did that happen all of a sudden?

Meri jaan, I love you and I always pray for your health, your future. May Allah protect you and make you righteous. May all your dreams, your ambitions come true and may you one day marry your Prince who will love you more than I do.

My everything's for you my little Princess. Only for you.

Love,
Mommy~

A Hallmark Moment

2010-12-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

I confess: I'm a card collector. I love all things stationary; notepads, ink pens, diaries, stickers etc,. You'll have to drag me out of the Hallmark store as I have a serious lingering problem in the colorful card isles that I slowly pace through, reading every written thought on beautifully designed paper made to entice you. I love the feel of a card that can say so much when you hold it in your hands, knowing that the sender has chosen it with caring thoughts to be delivered straight to the recipient's heart.

I love everything beautiful. Back in elementary school in Holland, my friend and classmate used to call me an 'ekster', which is Dutch for 'magpie' - the bird that likes to collect shiny things. My fascination for pretty things that were designed artistically would only grow stronger over the years. Call it romantic or artistic, but the feeling that comes with words on paper, takes my imagination back to an era where feathered ink pens and old, ruffled paper were the primary form of communication for relaying thoughts in a very 'Jane Austen-ish' way.

My trip to Hallmark today resulted in a basket full of gift wrap and cards for different occasions to stock up on my collection or perhaps my appetite...? As I walked pass the various categories, listening to joyful Christmas music in the background, my eyes fixated on the perfect card. Why perfect you ask? Well, it fulfilled my current craving; the feeling of togetherness and bliss.

I opened the card and smiled. Oh, Hallmark, why must you say the words straight out of my heart?

Festive Moods

2010-12-10T21:01:00.001-08:00

It feels warm and cozy this time of the year when everyone gathers together with their loved ones and shares stories of the passing year. In Houston, the weather is not as winter wonderland-ish as you'd hope, but the atmosphere is certainly there. I see houses lit up for the holiday spirit and it brings a smile to my face. How beautiful the streets look and how magical the trees are dressed, draped in twinkling lights as if they've come alive. I drive through the old street of a neighborhood, the kind of which carries this old-vintage feeling of aristocratic brick houses and double door entrances. Snowfall is missing and it may be missing for the entire winter season. Last year I remember, we had just a little bit snowfall and the excitement of seeing snow was shown in everyone's faces. People went outside to throw snowballs at each other, co-workers took a break in the snow whilst gathered laughing and reminiscing, moms & dads dug up slays and rides from the garage for their kids to slide on, lovers walked the paths of temporary 'wonderland' and homeowners like us, grieved the death of our plants and vegetables. ( O Thee tomatoes! )

The 'wonderment' around us may be fictional but it has become a necessity for survival in the current situation we have found ourselves in. The recession has left us in deep troubles - whether it is the unemployment rate or the failures of Health Care, we cannot fool ourselves anymore. The Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center, New York City will lit up like every year and so will the faces of many who are 'able' to enjoy, but those struggling, who can not afford or possibly be happy are the ones to face reality everyday. A Christmas tree or the jam packed discounted stores will not pay their bills. And if you are planning on purchasing items on your credit card and adding to your endless debt, please think again. Do yourself a favor; Do Not Buy!

If the holidays are ripping you off, because of the pressured feeling of "buying" then you must rethink and re-evaluate the true spirits of any festivity. I am sure hundreds and hundreds of years ago, people who'd celebrate, did not rush off to the Malls to eventually elbow each other for that cashmere sweater or aggressively snag that one parking spot.

Live people. Live to see and enjoy. Do not fall for materialism. It all comes and goes...
We take, we digest and we waste; the never-ending cycle.

Motherhood

2010-12-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

Since my last post, I have given birth to our precious little baby girl Mehreen on Friday, October 22nd at 2:43 PM in the afternoon. Not only was the (delivery) experience absolutely surreal, but I was also lucky to have had the positive and loving support around me from the hospital staff, the doctor and especially my husband. My angel was born and put onto my lap almost immediately. Our eyes met for the first time; we looked at each other and I cried out of joy. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life. There she was. Our beautiful little girl...

Now, 6 weeks into Motherhood, I have snapped out of my 'surreality' and stepped into my 'reality' the moment I started nursing my baby. At the hospital, they really emphasize on breastfeeding which was absolutely fine with me as I was planning on doing so. But little did I know, that nursing would be so tiresome, especially since I'd just given birth! My baby was fed every two hours, 24/7. I would force myself to sit up right on the hospital bed and feed her. Of course most of it happened out of maternal instincts and the overwhelming desire to care for my baby - but the nurses at the hospital did push me a lot - perhaps in a good way. (?)

Luckily, my mom and sister arrived the same day she was born and after spending two nights at the hospital (which felt like a lifetime) I was finally going home with my sweet bundle of joy. Oh, how happy I was to arrive home - my home! My mom and sister immediately took over and I felt a sense of relief. At the hospital, my husband was amazing in taking care of everything. He would never flinch from his spousal & fatherly duties and would act right away. When I needed something, he'd be there like Superman and now that I think of it, I could've never done it without him. I realize how important it is to have a strong bond with your (life) partner since it all boils down to teamwork in life. Having a baby DOES change everything, but it changes for the better when you have the right, loving support by your side. My career in Motherhood is by far the most exhilarating, exhausting, rewarding and the most beautiful full-time job I've ever had. Being a stylist at a department store or earning the big bucks in Real Estate or trying to generate clients as a Marketing Exec. at a Financial Planning Firm, does not compare to this God given, priceless gift of 'offspring'.

In two weeks, Mehreen will be 2 months old. Time flies they say and it surely does! I feel in cloud nine, even though I am always sleep deprived; feeling like a zombie, going about my 'mommy chores' when daddy goes to work - but overall, we are incredibly blessed ("Mashallah/Knock on wood") and every day I look at her, kiss her tiny little toes and fingers, sing to her like an on-stage 'Glee' performance...and you know...she looks back at me, coos at me and probably thinks to herself; "MAMMA has gone CRAZY!"

Oh yes my dear, crazy for you...

Countdown!

2010-10-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

The time has finally arrived; I will be becoming a mommy soon. It feels surreal and kind of incredible - almost as if I am talking about someone else, but reality is that I am carrying a baby that is soon to be delivered to this world on Friday, Oct. 22nd via induction or perhaps earlier if the baby decided to make an entry in the world all by itself. :)

I have gotten used to my big belly getting in my way and the inconvenience of not seeing my toes, which by the way, perfectly shows since applying nail polish on toe nails is like going into battle with my belly! The maneuvering part really catches me off guard and for that moment I realize that some things are better left undone and so I concur. Yesterday, I was trying to put a pair of socks on and parked myself on the edge of the bed, ready to dress my feet with the soft embrace of fabric - I horribly failed and called mr. hubby to help me out. He was sweet to grab each sock and put it on my feet which left me with a rush of affection and adoring love for the man who has vowed to share his life with me and will soon become the father of my child. I looked at him and said; "This may be a fast-forward scene of how we will be in old age".

I feel bittersweet about my pregnancy and the cross-over of bringing my child into this life - almost as if I'm leaving behind one responsibility of being a 'carrier' to accepting an ever bigger responsibility of becoming a 'mother'. With the grace of God, my pregnancy has been very enjoyable and I honestly have nothing to complain about. I feel so grateful for all the blessings God has bestowed upon us and I continue to praise Him for everything he has granted to shower us with.

I strongly believe in having a positive attitude. One should smile, don't you think? I encounter people who do not smile and represent their miseries in life as a display for other people to judge on. I always ponder and ask; why would they do that? Why would you not put your best face up in society, regardless of all the problems, complexities you may be facing...? There is no point in attracting bad 'vibes' from those who pretend to be sympathetic, but in the meanwhile enjoy the ego-boost of your negativity. That is why I make a conscious effort to smile and be kind and in return 'enjoying life', becomes easier and not that much of a drag at times. Believe me, it works.

My child will be of "loving nature" as we have chosen the name for our baby - the meaning itself was a no-brainer and I immediately knew that I wanted my child to be of loving nature and exceed the purpose of his/her name beyond any expectations.

I am certain my Baby will...

A New Look, A New Beginning!

2010-10-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

This is my official comeback to the Blog World which I have ignored for quite a while now. I was confused as to where to put my thoughts and frankly, you seemed a little outdated to me so I started looking for different outlets to express myself. I must confess and humbly say, that I was wrong to "explore" my options and that you were and are loyal to me as the day I began to write on here.

A lot has changed since my last post; Yes, I am still pregnant, but we are counting down the days and the baby can come anytime now!
Another change, which you probably have noticed, and if not, it is okay - I have changed my template to a more suitable and tasteful layout which I personally find very appealing and I certainly hope you will too. My aim is to write on a regular basis and carve out a beautiful journey with you that we can both delve into, feel happy or sad about and learn from one and other. So, what do you say - are you in?

I am in a very happy place in my life which is not to say that 'happiness' per se, has come easy. On the contrary; I've had my share of challenges, tragic episodes and a lot of hard work to have created the 'Naila' I am now. Of course, it is needless to say that without my faith in God and love for mankind that has been instilled by my parents, I would never have been the person I am today and full credit belongs to them and my Creator. This Blog will host my feelings, my thoughts and how I look upon life on a daily basis. The topics can vary as every day varies from the days before, unlike Groundhog Day! (yes, my attempt to crack a joke - ha ha?). I am excited to step into motherhood and share my experiences with you and along the way, who knows, we might turn out to be each other's best friends! ;)

Stay patient with me as I have a lot to say, but also encourage me to become better, will ya? I would really appreciate your support 'Dear Diary' and my very dear readers. Here's a short text that I have posted on my FB wall and I'd love to share on this post:

"The dreams & hopes that shatter in front of our eyes,
aren't necessarily destructive to our lives. What is, is to allow destruction to take over our dreams, our willingness to become better, stronger and greater.
Fate. Destiny.

What is your take?"

Love,
Naila~

opportunities

2009-02-12T08:13:00.001-08:00

I haven't written to you in the longest time and I have felt a void, dear diary, but my priority was to figure some things out for myself and report back to you as to what is happening in my life.
You'd be thrilled to know that my job @ Banana Republic is going great and I am also starting a new job at a Financial Investment Company just right by my house! The opportunities are just amazing and I find myself excited about the future. :)

Wish me the best.

deliriously happy or sick?

2009-01-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

I have been wide awake all this time, trying to force myself to get a goodnight sleep and ignore the nastiness of my ongoing sinuses and trails of tissues I am leaving behind everywhere. I am stuffed; I can't smell nor taste anything and my mind seems to be occupied with deep thoughts and the concern to get better before work starts tomorrow. I don't really feel sick. I feel a mixture of happiness and anxiousness all at the same time. Happiness that is visible from the tangible energy I can feel in the air; the kind of new hope that is about to arise next week Tuesday during the inauguration of President-Elect Obama. People may not be too excited right now with the harsh situation of our economy and our very own pockets, but the feeling of "change" is definitely felt and acknowledged.

Even though my runny nose is making my life quite miserable at the moment, especially when I went to the bakery section at HEB to get croissants for breakfast today; I felt nauseous with the sight of my own tissue holding up to prevent from sneezing into any of the glass cubed cases while I was picking out the croissants (ewww yikes), feeling like a leaking germ machine. I left the store hurriedly and made my way home feeling unpleasant about my journey even though I was able to stick a chocolate glazed donut in my mouth while driving. I thought the donut would soothe my senses, but I was wrong. I couldn't taste a bit of my sugary glazed donut, instead, I was chewing down huge chunks of bread-like substances down my throat and felt nothing -- literally nothing. A donut is supposed to break all barriers of distaste and feeling of hopelessness. My donut however, didn't do anything.

I also stopped at Walgreens to get the best cold/flu medication they had in the aisle. With my head down and my pashmina shawl across my mouth, I was able to make it to the aisle all the way in the back, without a sneeze. I then looked for the heaviest medicine and decided to consult a "friendly" pharmacist of my products. By then, I had picked a Nyquil, a box of heavy Tylenol Cold/Flu tablets and a pack of cherry flavored Halls to chew on. The pharmacist was of Asian race like everyone else there and I couldn't help but think of how much they were earning and whether they were feeling comfortable working amongst their own species. I was feeling fuzzy and my thoughts were uncontrollably everywhere. The "friendly" pharmacist never blinked an eye, but had this intimidating stare that made me more aware of my condition as I was trying to prevent a ' sudden surprise sneeze' right into his face. I would turn my head to the side and pretend I was about to sneeze, just to give him a heads up in case an "accident" would occur. The pharmacist seemed the least interested in my life- saving tactics and explained the intake of the medication as any other cold, monotone pharmacist I may come across. I wonder whether they become immune to sick people? Like doctors for instance.

I was watching TV today when Grey's Anatomy came on and decided to watch the episode where sex, drama and illogical actions within a medical hospital are the 'norm' of the doctors' job description. I have been appalled by their story line in the past, but today, I had no strength to raise opinions about the writer's script, so I went along with my stuffy head and watched the entire episode becoming drawn into Meredith's cold character. Maybe because I felt delirious and illogical?

I noticed how often they display a character in such episodes that is an expert in his/her field, cutting people open, giving sarcastic but confident remarks, the straight to the point talk... and how often they are the ones who truly care about their patients, but keep on wearing a mask of indifference towards their profession, just to differentiate their emotions with practical approach. Isn't that a successful and less painful approach to accomplishing our goals in life?

I am sure medical students go through human emotions while learning about the anatomy of our bodies, but they are taught to be alert, to learn and keep their eyes open. I wonder how courageous that is, or is it called courage? To hide emotions behind a veil of professionalism and real practice, one needs to be in control of his/her weaknesses. It is easy to dwell into the emotional whirlpool of life, to lose oneself in irrational ramblings and grasping on to what is reality, but we forget that we are the product of humanity and that God is the only Creator with all the right answers...rightfully so.

I have given up on my emotional self. I have told "her" to disappear when I am irrational, illogical, nostalgic and perhaps too hopeful of happiness around me. The reality is, happiness is my self created perception in which I fully acknowledge God's greatest gifts; I thank Him immensely for everything and move on to become better, better than my own imagination.

The journey of betterment continues as I am finding myself visualizing a destination in which I am learning, teaching and 'giving' to those who are needy. I see the hard work and the sacrifice that I will have to make in order to gain, but I am up for it. I see hope, I see a change and I still see my youth glistening like a rainbow in a clear blue sky smiling upon the surrounding nature. I see and I feel. I feel the greatness of life while writing my thoughts to you, I feel the endless opportunities of this world while anxiously awaiting the inauguration. I feel worthy of my intelligence and know that anything is possible as long as I put my mind to it.

I am dreaming bigger with the trust in God that I have put everything, all my confusions and demons out to Him. They will slowly fade away and I will live life growing greater, knowing better, experiencing 'the new' and the impossible.

Nothing is impossible anymore.
Nothing.

(Alas, my "catchy phrased" letterhead to the new President!)

Focus

2009-01-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I know I have been absent from the day I wrote my memories of 2008, but I assure you of my comeback. I am focusing on what I find important and finally I've come to the realization that no one can tell me what to do. I will carve out my own path and my destiny.
I need to achieve something 'tangible' - have my accomplishments written in stone to not only prove my worthiness, but also make a promising future.
Only God knows the stress and the hard work I will have to face, but I am willing to do it. I am willing to shut those up who think are superior to me and have a saying on MY life.
Not anymore. I will find success. There is no time to relax, there is no time to waste and there is certainly no time to feel sorry for oneself. If one brings me down, I will fight back in a way that will only shape my future. I will surround myself with success and leave out those who mock, insult and disrespect.

For now, this short note shows you that you've always been in my heart and that I will try to be more loyal to you. I always need your "unsaid" support.

Love,
the renewed Naila

Leaving 2008...

2008-12-31T22:53:00.000-08:00

The year 2008 has come with its many surprises, joys, some tears of all the ups and downs, but most importantly, blessings that have surmounted our lives with beautiful experiences and unexpected gifts God has bestowed upon us.

- My citizenship in January 2008.

- The purchase of my Honda Accord in February 2008.

- Centenary (100 year celebration) Khilafat Jalsa in Pennsylvania & meeting with Hazoor!

- Trip to Washington DC with my siblings after the Jalsa.

- Amma's (mother-in-law's) visit to our apartment for Ahmed's Engagement that took place after Jalsa.

- Madiha (my sister) and I had the opportunity to sing our Qaseedah in front of the ladies' section at the Jalsa convention. She sang in Arabic and I sang the translation in Urdu simultaneously.

- Appearing several times as a co-host on the radio show "Youth Forum" and being praised by people all the way from Dubai. An amazing experience.

- My 3rd prize winning for the essay writing competition on the topic of: "Blessings of Khilafat"

- Hurricane Ike and its aftermath. Family gathered at Nasir Mamoo's to seek shelter.

- Saying goodbye to Richmond Green Apartments.

- Purchasing our beautiful home, doing the loan on it and saving thousands of dollars.

- Moving into our beautiful home and falling in love with my kitchen and backyard.

- Brother-in-law's gland surgery and his way to recovery.

- First time voting as an American Citizen.

- Making of friends -- the precious ones, whom I can always rely on.

- Our first Halloween in our new home. It was fun to receive kids at the door wearing scary costumes. I wore a black chaadar and dracula teeth to scare them off.

- The masjid, located 10 minutes away from our house, feels like my second home. I love our Houston mosque. I seek refuge in God's residence and I find peace in my every "sajdah".

- Reading; "Islam's response to Contemporary Issues" and being awed again by Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed's penmanship and immense wisdom.
The book is inspiring and covers all real subjects we face in today's society.

- My excitement for "Little Mosque on the Prairie" season 4 -- still continues. Am a BIG fan.

- Obama's win of Presidential election against McCain! A historic moment witnessed from my living room while jumping out of joy.

- My sister Madiha's engagement in Tracy, CA : An absolute beautiful moment. Getting to know her lovely in-laws.

- Lunch with Tabassum (Tabs) in Rice Village and our ongoing conversations on various topics. Great friend.

- The discovery of great places around Houston, especially restaurants. Great people too!

- Tested of my love and questioned of my worth - a painful phase.

- New Hobby: Gardening of front and backyard.

- Our subscription to Netflix and watching Planet Earth on DVD.

- My wholehearted acceptance at Azam's Chinese Stir Fry noodles being better than mine. I let go of my culinary pride! ;)

- My participation at the Ijtema; winning 1st prize English Impromptu Speech and 2nd for Tilawat. I also managed to dominate the workshops/discussions by voicing my opinion on everything that was on my mind. Very liberating.

- Garage hunting in our neighborhood and finding great objects to (re)use.

- The purchase of our bikes and touring around our neighborhood, even when it rained!

- The movie Slumdog Millionaire -- excellent movie we saw in the theaters.

- The relief of Bush finally leaving the White House.
The 'shoe throwing' episode was an absolute highlight! Literally jootay parhe...

- My friend Rizwana in Canada gave birth to her precious little baby girl; Ariana Mahrosh Upal.

- Nabeel's (my brother) first semester in College - he is working hard towards a bright future, Inshallah.

- The economic crisis around the country (and the world) making us weary of our future. Strengthening our strategies in all aspects.

- My Thanksgiving dinner to family and friends in our new home with the making of my experimental menu which turned out a success!

- Weekend away at Mani Khala's and getting to know her College friend, Shamuna baji.

- Our little road trip to Sonora, TX to see the Caverns of Sonora. Pretty cool.

- The conception of my new entrepreneurial project (in the works).

- Skipping on jump ropes to skip on a gym membership.

- My part-time job at Banana Republic turns out to be a ' God sent temporary distraction' for me; alas my passion for fashion. Love the employee discount!

- Very mild (wet) snowfall in Houston that lasted for half a day.

- I clearly remember the day in 2008 when my friend Fakhra took her time out during her stressful finals to spend time with me while I was visiting my family in Tracy.
Not only was she a delight to my eyes, but her personality and one on one attention, made me feel like a queen. Her book of quotes for my birthday and the ballerina card are two things I keep very close to me.

- The desire to make something out of myself -- gaining another level of confidence.

- The ugliness, The beautiful, The inevitable, The impossible & lastly...

The Incredible!!! (Alhamdulillah)

Home Sweet Home

2008-12-29T21:32:00.001-08:00

I absolutely love my home. I love every nook, every corner, every tile, every window...and every wall of my beautiful home. It's my safe and secure abode; my home is my heaven.

When looking for a property to purchase, we had seen quite a few in the past, but the moment I walked into my home -- I knew it right away. I knew it when entering the hallway and walking up to the previous owner. I knew it when looking at the spacious kitchen and the beautiful counters. I also knew that I was destined to buy it from her, the previous owner, when meeting her for the first time and instantly acknowledging her taste and efforts in making this beautiful house a livable experience. I was drawn to each and every room and the backyard...Oh my.

Have I told you how much I love my backyard? I find it to die for. I love my pond with the water running. I love the palm trees and the immaculate landscaping. I love the tiles leading towards the pond and most importantly, I love my rose bushes on the side of the house. The house, the color and the landscaping totally fits my personality and I find myself looking for flowers to seed in this season for them to blossom next year in Spring. I am excited about the prospect of giving life to earth to my backyard and I am also excited about the prospect of giving life to my next generation. I can see myself making lunch bags for the tiny ones, I can see them involved in the backyard planting vegetables with daddy dearest, I see them playing on the grass with a hose running water, splattering everywhere. Just like my childhood.
I see all of that.

I also see myself yearning for my home every time I am out and about running my chores or going to work. My work does not consist of much stress, but when I come home, I like to look forward to sitting in the backyard with a cup of tea with my feet up, soaking in the sun. My flattering whispers belong to my trees and plants whom I love and nurture. I see a long commitment with all of them and I see their worth in my eyes. Useless worries dissipate with the thought of gratitude and belonging to my beautiful abode in which I am the queen of.
The happily buzzzing queen bee.

Today was such a day. A day of extreme gratitude the moment I walked back into my home. Exhausted from work, I made myself a cup of chaii and jumped onto the comfortable (2nd hand, still the best though!) sofa. I felt so comfortable and before I could make an excuse of getting up and "not relaxing", my tiredness had taken over and the sofa warmed me, it took me into his grip of peacefulness and calming comfort. I surrendered and slept for two hours straight.
As I woke up and hubby dear had entered the house, I made my way into the kitchen, fixed a quick snack to have with our everyday ritual 'tea time'.

I love God for surrounding us with such beauty of life. He is the Greatest and the most Gracious. I feel His presence as if He listens to my every wish, even in times of disillusions -- I feel my soul to be enlightened.

Planet Earth

2008-12-29T06:47:00.001-08:00

I am happy to inform that after a small road trip when going sightseeing this past weekend near San Antonio...well, at the Caverns of Sonora to be exact... I am doing much better now. We have rekindled all that we thought was lost in the midst of confusion and hurt. The caverns of Sonora were interesting to visit on Friday the 26th of December. There was a small group lead by the tour guide and we just made it on time to join in the fun! At first glance, you would never guess that a deserted ranch would have such an interesting discovery underneath its ground. In 1960 the owners of the ranch found a cave that was filled with crystal like formations due to the humidity of dripping water and acidity of growing milestone. The formations were incredible to see. We've made a lot of pictures, but the picture do not do justice to the real beauty of the cave -- one needs to go out there and explore by their own.

Main Website:
http://www.cavernsofsonora.com/index.php

Visiting the cave was a great experience for the both of us and it made me even more determined to see more caves in the world, to see the places that are unknown and unseen to my eyes and breathe in all the purity of something bigger than mankind; God's incredible Nature. It was quite a coincidence that we've been watching the series: Planet Earth on DVD, ordering each CD through netflix. We are immensely fascinated by this beautiful documentary and the last CD covered the caves of a faraway place in which the producers had a hard time getting permission filming for. In that cave, the same crystal like formations are shown, but the enormity of the cave is obviously much bigger and grand than the one we went to.

The excitement ran through us as we stepped through each and every cave 'room' as our tour guide explained all the different kinds of formations and their shapes similar to animal like figures. We weren't allowed to touch the formations, nor the walls, but my hand did touch the bumpy walls once or twice. I asked the tour guide about any animals in the cave and he explained the possibility of some bugs without eyes due to the extreme darkness of the cave. The tour guide would switch the lights on as we would walk onto the next slope.

The drive back home was not a pleasant one as we were misguided by our GPS. "She" took us through small cities and dangerous curvy roads with no lights. Throughout the journey I kept on praying for a safe arrival. My wish was to stop over and drive the next morning, but I guess we were eager to reach home as well. We did see a small town called Fredericksburg. When our car stopped at the light, I told Azam to park as the whole street was filled with Christmas decorations and I immediately noticed this cute little bakery, I was of course naturally drawn to. The atmosphere seemed like winter wonderland right out of a story book. The car never parked and we kept going...

I looked from my car window at this small town with much excitement and wonder like a four year old. Next year during Christmas, I have made a mental note to visit this beautiful town while staying over at his aunt's in Austin.

All in all; a good refreshing trip. Ho Ho!!!

Flair for Fashion

2008-12-25T09:43:00.001-08:00

From the moment I've started working at Banana Republic, as a part time seasonal job for the time being, I feel so much connected with my inner-self. I love to dress up, go to work and talk about my days with my female collegeaus, help customers in giving fashion advice and I especially love the flexibility of the hours I work. They are quite amazing in giving days off and one can always come back after notifying them of your absence which can take even a month, with a valid reason of course. Most of the girls I work with, are either students or girls who work full time to become managers. The managers themselves are moms and fashionable ladies in their late twenties or early thirties. It's a treat for my eyes and my fashionable appetite to see 'fashion' worn the right way by ladies who are beautiful, hard working and talented.

It was interesting to discover when one girl, I believe eighteen years old, squeeled in amazement at my answer to her question at how old I was and couldn't believe I was married.
She then said she was thinking I was either 21 or 22 years old. To see her surpising response, I was suprised myself and laughed at her enthusiastic behavior.
It was flattering to know that I was considered one of the young-ins, doing a part time job, just to save some money while I was studying away at one of the universities, perhaps being the popular one with lots of friends and admirers. Ha Ha! I was truly flattered to be mistaken for a younger version of myself and realized at the same time, the advantage I have of being married and for having the physique of looking twenty one. Personality wise, I believe to be sophisticated, but also crazily blunt when my sense of humor kicks in. I never hold back on expressing my jokes or dry humor in all honesty. I just say it and have a good time with it.

The girl probably saw my bubbly-ness while my seriousness & sophistication was invisible to this lively girl who has only seen eighteen years of her carefree girlish life and could've never possible imagined me married or succesful in my real estate career in which selling houses and providing loans was as easy and natural to me like selling clothes and talking fashion sense to customers. They don't know. Neither do I know where the rest of the girls are from or what they have seen in life.

I love that Banana Republic makes us all look the same -- it makes us all become fashionable young women with the same mission on hand; folding cashmere sweaters, ringing up people at the cashier, making small talk with people who are looking for certain items and keeping an eye on those clothes that will give us an extra discount for being employees.
I love it. I love having my employee discount, but more than that, I love the feel of quality clothes and admire the mastermind of designs that goes behind the making of such beautiful merchandise. I love to see the creativity in colors, shapes, cuts, fabrics and embelishments.
I feel like a designer of my fashion line when consulting people of accentuating their waist by purchasing a wide alligator belt underneath a cardigan or a dress. I give examples of Vera Wang and her concept of 'layering' clothes to make them multi-dimensional. I make my customers feel important by disclosing fashion information of what is 'hot' on the runway in New York. I tell them what is appropriate for their age and ocassion. I give them my knowledge and service of a world I love -- the world of fashion & glamour.

I live out my New Yorker persona, my cosmopolitan city-girl dream in exchange for working at Banana Republic and escaping from a domestic self, in which I've always found joy in, but the perfect lights, the racks of clothes and display of immaculate mannequins, makes me run back to this world in which I can be a part of. I can surround myself with the quality and touch of such beautiful wear.

Life is so beautiful. I 'wear' all that is beautiful.

Worth

2008-12-23T22:11:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,

I've had a rough time writing to you while I was gathering my own thoughts and trying to make sense. I was facing extreme selfishness by someone who'd I think would be the last person to be this inconsiderate. As it turned out, I was wrong. I've been wrong from the start. From the day I made this commitment and its just now that I've started realizing it.

I was beside myself. I felt used and my thoughts were frantically looking for some logic. Maybe all of this is not supposed to be logical, maybe this is how it is, how would I know?
I've done and I am still doing the best I can to be the very best I have to offer. Even though my love still continues to take care and be supportive, I am slowly dying. The sarcasm and the selfishness never ends. Everything's gotta be a certain way that person likes, beyond that, nothing and I say NOTHING matters. The "me me me" aspect of this relationship is killing the very core of all that is beautiful. I am patient, I am silent and I am cautious. I don't say anything anymore. I have stopped making plans for enjoyment, forcing me to focus on my accomplishments, of what I want to do. I am sick and tired of taking care of tasks that are only adventageous to the other party without acknowledging my efforts and attentive love. How stupid can that person be, to deprive me of my joy, thus of our happiness by putting importance on just oneself? Please tell me, explain it to me, since I don't understand.

How can love be so selfish? Is this love or just a compromise? Why do I feel as if my head is going to explode? Why am I not put at ease by a calming voice, saying that I am the best that has ever happened. Why is it so hard? I also wonder how the distance is bearable when two people are 'supposedly' in love? In this case, the distance is visible and growing bigger by the minute, I guess its not "love" then. I have tried to fill the gap, but who am I?

Every relationship requires 'give and take', every relationship hits a rocky moment in which you start doubting everything. However, when a relationship is continuously challenged with lack of respect and useless critique -- a neverending episode, no matter how much you'd cover it up for the time being, it will always come back and slap you in the face. In the moments of desperation and sanity for words, here's what I wrote>

VALUE

How much am I worth?
Is my worth lesser than the house I live in or the car I drive?
He said so.

My pockets are empty; I am empty within (my womb)
I feel nothing, I hear nothing. Only the sounds of my thoughts.
What have I done to earn this injustice?
What have I done to earn such insults?
What is my worth?

I cherish life; I appreciate you, my home, my everything.
I take care; I cook and clean.
Dinner on the table for you.
My entire love is granted to you.
Whom else can I turn to? Does God listen?
Does He listen through my tears?

I feel nothing. I have no one. Just my loneliness in this house.
My smile is wiped off and I am suffering. "Don't cry", I say to myself.
I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart.
I have seen many tragedies in life.
I've lost a father, tragically, through the evil eyes of the world.
I've lost a part of me.

My mother does not see me from afar.
I know she feels my pain of belonging.
I smile and speak good.I smile and listen to people who judge and say to bear children.
O you people! Do you know what I feel?
I want to hold those tiny fingers and say their mine. Only mine.
I want to see my resemblance in an innocent face.
Faces who cling onto me and seek safety in my lap.
I am born to care.
Please fill this gap.

The house, the car is not mine.
The furniture I sit on, is not mine.
The things are superior to me.
Who am I? What am I? Am I "it" ?Am I a woman who is cherished?
Am I a woman? What is a woman?

My eyes are swollen from the tears that have flown.
I cover it with make up and appear at work.
With a smile so bright, it actually hurts.
I will work hard for a future that is just "time".
A family that I have lost in a dream so pure.
I've got nothing else, just "time" to endure.

What is my value? I ask him again.
I'm slowly fading into silence and mayhem.
My mind is my friend and God I only trust.
I am hurting for everything I do, thus, I ask:
Why am I here if you can't see & hear?
Why am I here if I am not a woman, but a man?

A man with no emotions, just price tags attached.
No life's worth, just material goals attract.
A man who is superior above his wife and claims,
A return for his investment in interest paid.
Don't put me to shame!

I wonder and ponder over the respect he demands,
When all this while my love was his command,
I wonder and ponder over the measurements of our roles,
Weren't we one soul, together, accomplishing goals?

Money is evil of all things, I agree. I offer you my life as a fee.
I will pay back in glorious amounts and then, you will be proud to be one of the men.
Who works hard to pay the bills, unaware of who he might kill.

I will love him forever, as death do us part.
Tears of yesterday and tomorrow.
Drown me in the river; am I re-born?
From the past and the future.
Where do I start?

Snowflakes

2008-12-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

Houston never really sees freezing temperature, but yesterday, Dec. 10th 2008, was surely a falling of wet snow during the day and snow was clearly visible at night when the temperature dove to teeth chattering cold. Well, at least for me it was.

My husband can't seem to believe that I was born in Holland and grew up in such a cold country, since I can't stand the cold. In Holland it snows as in REAL snow in which snowman's are made and snowballs fights are common. In which your car and your bike will experience a slippery road even though it was salted the night before. I clearly remember riding my bike to school -- bicycling is the most common transportation in Holland, all seasons included. The route would be as follows;

My friend Emmy who lived on the same block would ring my doorbell around 7:30 AM and I'd be ready to leave the house, going out from the backyard. I then would meet with her in the front yard where we'd go to Danielle's house which was approximately 1o minutes away from us. (in biking distance). We'd take the back road crossing the small bridge over the river where kids would catch frogs during summertime, but during winter you'd see the once lively river frozen to standstill. Once we'd made it to Danielle's house, we'd either ring the doorbell and she would come upfront or we'd go to her backyard, sometimes park our bikes in her backyard and just wait for her in the living room.

I loved standing there. The house was warm and her family was so welcoming; an atmosphere of warmth would exude from the every corner of the house. They'd turn on the radio in the early mornings and I would hear music when stepping in. Danielle was quite vain in her teenage years. Sometimes, she'd take a full ten minutes to blow dry her hair and her mascara would be fully coated on her blonde/brown lashes, making her eyes look "made up" and totally over the top. She'd then come out of the glass door wearing her coat, shawl and gloves -- finally ready to leave.

She was surely the leader of our group. Emmy and I would only bicycle together going to Danielle's house, but upon arrival, the decision of splitting up into 2 and 1 would lie in her hands. Sometimes I'd ride my bike behind them or Emmy would bike behind us. Danielle was never alone; a dominant personality who ruled her kingdom on us and we didn't mind.
Our friendship was genuine and we truly cared for one and other. I'd hear out all the latest 'crush' stories Danielle was eager to share. This one guy in class she desperately liked and apparently he liked her as well, I think his name was Rick, was a never ending saga of her life.

Since the three of us weren't the popular ones in class, which was fine with me, Danielle was always in constant struggle to belong to the popular ones and yet not abandon us. The 'Rick guy' whom she found cute was also liked by the most popular girl of our class; Claire. Her 'kuif' as we say it in Dutch, meaning her bangs were always neatly combed and heavily sprayed with hairspray, creating a 'wave' on her forehead that was plastered every day of her student life, making her the most vain girl in school. She was also very confident and giggled a lot. I figure talking about boys most of the time. She was an attention grabber and the kids were in awe of her. Girls wanted to be her and guys were greedy of her popularity. Her best friend, Esther Vermuilen, I still remember the name!...was always beside her, giggling and making fun of the weaker ones in class.

I was always unaffected by it, but enjoyed watching my classmates drool over her. I was considered shy and a good girl with a few friends to hang out with.
We had a weaker link in class. His name slips my mind. Wait, is it Arjan? It is pronounced; Aryan -- the j is Y in Dutch. Arjan was a full grown man shrunk into a kid's body. He always had a serious demeanor. His body weight and old looks made him insecure, especially with the constant teasing of his classmates, calling him 'fat' and 'old man'. He'd sometimes get into this rage where his cheeks would explode in redness and he'd stomp his way out of the classroom. The kids would laugh harder and make it even worse. Our teacher, we had two at the time, the principal himself, Meester Hans (meester is teacher) and a female teacher with a very traditional Dutch name. She would only look up to answer questions and her interaction with the class always remained to the point and concise. Meester Hans on the other hand, was quite the entertainer. He would read excerpt from the Bible on Mondays -- I forgot to mention it was a Catholic School, and he'd explain the stories to us using imagination and creative story telling. I still remember him till this day. He was charming, friendly and almost like a father figure to the class. He would never raise his voice but deal with problems with a teasing manner and smart sarcasm to those who deserved.

His attentiveness made the classroom alive. Even parents were under a good impression of him.
The twelfth grade musical was hard on its way to practicing. We'd gather in the big hall and practice our lines while getting into character. I loved acting; every aspect of it made me feel alive and excited. The musical allowed us to sing, dance, act and feel free of any imperfections. Every single student was working hard towards a good musical. A goodbye project this was to welcome a new grade and say goodbye to years of educational & human development in our school, De Vlieger (The Kite) . It was time to move on and let go of our kite.
During the practice of our musical, I remember Danielle declaring her 'crush' for Rick. It created a stir on set; the latest gossip talk resulted into instant popularity for Danielle. She was all smiles.
She would steer away from us and eventually we did loose her later on in life...

We kids were like little snowflakes falling onto the surface, covering life's path with our existence.
Some found theirs, I found mine in the blur of snowflakes, that is. :)

budget crunching

2008-12-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

We are witnessing the worst recession in Modern Day. Not only are we weary of our financial situation, our health and stress level are also under a lot of scrutiny especially with the cold season affecting our immune systems.

I am highly aware of the circumstances around the world. Call me a news junkie, but the urge to read or watch news, has become an every day habit now. I take interest in the reality of matters, such as the very dire situation we are facing in our economy today. The three BIG automakers are still under negotiation with Capitol Hill for getting a bailout, making a desperate appeal to save their auto industries. The question that arises here is of moral and logical basis; is the poor management to be held responsible for such failures or are we to face this dilemma together, as an economy at whole?
WILL THE MONEY BE SPENT WISELY TOWARDS THE IMPROVEMENT OF THE AUTO INDUSTRY, THEREFORE BOOSTING OUR ECONOMY? OR WILL OUR TAX PAYER'S MONEY BE SPENT ON THE LUXURIES OF THE FAILED CEO'S?

Today's crisis has crawled into our households, having us fear unemployment, sickness, financial meltdown and perhaps paranoia thinking about job security at all times. How bright is our future? How much are we to sacrifice?
It's ironic to me how "sacrifice" is emphasized especially now to save ourselves from any more financial hardships, whilst in the Islamic religion the time of Eid-ul-Adha is the epitome of sacrifice proven by Hazrat Ibrahim when putting his own son's life at risk for the sake of God's will.
A sacrifice that puts shivers to my skin. How unimaginable could that be in today's age where the common man suffers from "cutting down" and living less comfortably? How nostalgic are we to continue living like spenders when the morale of sacrifice isn't practiced to its best intentions?

My point isn't to sacrifice on life itself, but my ramblings are trying to shed a reality to what we find most important; the materialistic gains of our well being in what we perceive as highly necessary when in truth, all of it is just a mere presentation. There are desires, wishes and dreams to fulfil and I fully agree with the optimists, as I am one of them, that there is one life to live so why not live it to the fullest? The matter concerning this philosophy is not the bigger-than-life living, it is the purpose of living we so often lose in this whirlwind of keeping up.

Sure. I have ambitions. I have dreams. Heck, there is so much I want from this one life that is granted to me, but in my spectrum of living -- a balance is achieved to put my wants and needs in clear view from one another; parallel to the beauty of life VS the achievements of life. Whether I am doing full justice to myself and my ambitions? I don't know.
One thing I know; I have never doubted myself of my capabilities. If I can't have it now, I will have it later. A confidence I carry - so full of conviction and realism, it already feels as if I am living in it.

A perfect example would be of that going to NY during Christmas time. I have always wanted to see the Big Apple with all its mesmerizing Christmas decorations, people walking on 5th street carrying shopping bags, their faces lit up with the inner joy of the holiday spirit, ice skating in Central Park in front of the giant tree. Maybe its "Serendipity" or "Home Alone" that has me in awe of this incredible city or maybe its the Dutch tourist in me that is eager to explore the magnificient States of America...there surely is an imagination, a sort of childish freedom attached to my visions that I KNOW will happen. If not today, there is always tomorrow.

My budget today is sealed in an envelope waiting for its calculated deduction to be written on the envelope as every purchase is made at the groceries or drug store. My budget knows no whining, it knows no greed, but basic necessities. My budget is kind to me and my household and forces me to be creative and careful at the same time. My budget appreciates me and will reward us of our savings to later on splurge and enjoy meaningfully. My budget keeps me intact of what is today.

Today is...
A rising of unemployment rate to 6.7 % . Next year? Probably worse.

Tomorrow? God knows.
Knock on wood. We are healthy.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Menu:

Appetizer: cocktail samosa with cranberry and padina (mint) chutney.

Main Course:

- Vegetable Biryani with Raita
- Tandoori Turkey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPvCJ7uyoEQ
- Mashed patatoes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcksPYLPSY0
- Aloo Baingan with naan
- Stuffed Peppers http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/orzo-stuffed-peppers-recipe/index.html

Dessert:

- Pecan Pie (home made)
- Chocolate Mousse
- Gajar ka Halva

The end result in pictures, laughter and fun!
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2125000&id=643867138#/album.php?aid=86222&id=643867138

A Testimony To Poetic Truth

2008-11-25T05:39:00.001-08:00

In Lieu of Happiness

How does it feel to be on the other side of the field?
The battles within ridiculing the shield

The rules I stuck to with such arrogance
I broke them myself in such innocence

Egotistical I were, but it won’t be the same
Mocked love, in oblivion of cupid’s vindictive aim
Innovative I were, but I cannot dodge this pain
Miserable I became, when the victim reigned

“One cannot appraise a person so high
How can a life be over with an instant bye?”
Pragmatic taunts, but it was a lie
Cultivating conflict inside, as i die

I didn’t know what I had until it wasn’t mine
Excruciating void and no ownership of time

The pain I hide, my pretentiousness!
Smiles i pursued, in lieu of happiness

-Hussain

http://mousematrix.wordpress.com/2008/10/03/in-lieu-of-happiness/

Clearing Confusion

2008-11-24T18:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I have been a little distant from you for the past week. I was gathering my thoughts and trying to prioritize. I have been clearing my mind, my confusions in the meanwhile and staying away from communicating to anyone (except God), therefore even you. I have achieved the clarity to this confusing dilemma of balancing life in a way where I can live peacefully within my world as a wife, a daughter, sister and daughter-in-law versus my independent persona. The constant expectations of keeping up an image was becoming some sort of a drag. I was exhausted beyond my own realization and once I started becoming a bit secluded, without the act of pleasing everyone, I felt calm and more in control of myself and my life. I wouldn't call it selfishness, because that is the last thing I'll ever be. My intentions are still clear, but reality is that I am not able to fulfill every single expectation or every task that is thrown upon me. Yes, I am eager on completing it, but at times when my condition does not allow it, there is nothing I can do then to just give in. The selfless "me" was taking a toll on health, love and happiness.

I was not happy. Even though the outside world was perceiving my happiness and measuring it up by materialistic gain, my inner self was not happy with the constant depreciation I was facing. Luckily, my marital bond is strong enough to overcome these hurdles in life...but the bitterness, exhaustion and disappointment was seen in both our eyes and we felt so alone. Together, but alone. The loneliness I was experiencing was a loneliness of various layers of depth; a meaning so deep that I could only sense and experience. Everyone else, was accepting my "responsible" role whereas I as a woman, was slowly drowning into the state of depression followed by the uncertain responses of my better half, not knowing what to do or how to console me. I would only answer in tears.

The beautiful four walls of our new home was sensing a bitter-sweet moment, where we felt happy and blessed, but couldn't gather the prying eyes of those that perhaps weren't showing their happiness or understanding our achievement. It saddened us, although our sense of humor was alive and we were there for each other, there were times when we felt alone, carrying all the responsibility with all the extra added responsibility that was snatching our moment of glory away.

In those days, I was closest to God. I felt a desire to connect with Him and pour out all my feelings. This was right around the time our annual competition at the Mosque was taking place. I was in desperate need to gain back my confidence and get out of the depressing dark hole in which I'd cry my eyes out at night, so I contacted our president and requested to at least get a recital. I was given the opportunity to perform the recital of the Holy Quran in the opening session. I was thrilled and felt great in reciting the Holy word of God, not for the sake of showing off, but to connect with my spiritual self and most importantly, for God.

My confidence rose as I was looking at all the contestants participating. I hadn't had the chance to participate in the first round of competitions, the local ones, so I was not chosen to participate in the annual contest. It felt weird to me, since I participate every year, even when I was a newly wed last year...unaware of the people around me, I HAD to participate. Call it a childhood tradition or something that has become a part of my life now -- a passion I carry for these activities. Luckily, I was able to participate as they were looking for a third contestant pertaining their chapter. I stood up, made the impromptu speech on the topic of 'increasing attendance in our meetings' and walked off the stage feeling confident and happy. The joy I felt, when delivering this passionate speech, was indescribable, especially at a time when I desperately was yearning for it, in the house of God.

I also participated in the recitation of the Holy Quran in which I won the 2nd prize. For the impromptu speech, I won 1st prize. The workshops were a lot of fun in which I fully participated and made sure to voice out my opinion. I could sense the agreement in people's eyes when looking at me. I was not trying to be controversial, but just honest and genuine and it must have struck a cord with the audience when they listened to me silently and intently.

Public speaking used to be a pain for me and now I've noticed how much I am able to thrive on it. The issues that are real to me and I am trying to convey to the younger and older generation, is not something I necessarily 'thrive' on, but knowing that I can speak for others in a sensible manner, makes me want to change a mind or two. With God's help and guidance I was able to clear my confusion and believe it or not, I have laid out a plan for the future, a plan that may take a couple of years in becoming tangible, but the hard work is necessary to make this happen. Focus, hard work and a vision that I have to hold onto; a woman is stronger than she thinks she is, even though a man is always known and acknowledged for his accomplishments, we slowly fade away in the background. We, as caretakers.
In a world where a woman is constantly proving herself of being a man and a woman at the same time. A proof of intelligence & independence is parallel to the proof of domesticity and femininity. Multi-tasking our way into such dimensions with no help, but ourselves, one is bound to dwindle.
I will achieve of what is expected from myself, from my talents, my intelligence, my creativity...it will certainly NOT go to waste.

My plan? To conquer and release.
Naila's release.

A New Perspective

2008-11-14T15:20:00.001-08:00

My last post was written this morning when I felt down about myself as all the tiredness finally bursted out into frustration that has been building up or maybe everything was just blown into proportion due to my crazy hormones. Nevertheless, I finally realized that I am doing this to myself. No one other than myself can make me feel this way, unless I am in control of my own happiness and self-confidence.

It's true that as woman I need the reassurance, the 'pat in the back' so now and then, but more than that...I know that my strength and the very positive outlook in life (that I carry everyday, I may not have shown it to you dear diary, ha ha!) is important to take me very far. To a destination I will be happy with. More so, my pain was derived from the love I have for my household and I know that my home is my destination, but lately the emotions have gotten a hold of me. The insecurities of who I am, the confusion that lies in my identity, my persona, was playing games with my mind. I am the queen of my home; my haven and my Paradise.

I am the most important ingredient to this recipe of 'Domestic Bliss' and the chef, the creator behind this incredible meal is God Himself. I have given Him my attention, I have poured out my feelings to Him and he has been so Gracious.
I look around from where I am sitting and see all the blessings. I see the blessings in the form of my loving husband, I see the blessings in the form of my beautiful house and I surely see blessings in the journey of life that I'll have to embrace WITH the ups and downs. I can not let myself become the 'doormat' by self-depreciating my intelligence and what I am capable of.

I am an artist. I play the colors out in my mind and bring them onto the canvas.

I am an actor. I take my role seriously and transfer into characters, that are, mind you, award winning! :)

I am a writer. My pen (keyboard) writes my feelings, my inner expressions. The words feed me, like prayer does and I feel relieved.

I am a lover. People, such as close family and friends who see the best in me, even when I don't, give me motivation and show their love as a reflection of mine.

I am a giver. I love to share and give. At times, I may not be rewarded for it, but I have realized the gift of 'giving', is the gift of silence and humility. Patience is truly a virtue.

I am a performer. Presenting my talents in front of the world and sharing new innovative ideas, open up exciting worlds for me. Luckily, I have people around me who understand my visions and have faith in it.

And most importantly...

I am a wife. Who loves marriage, the safety of the strong arms of a man and his practical/planned approach towards life. Knowing that we are for each other, making new memories, entering new phases and growing as a couple.
Which reminds me, speaking of growing, we should take it easy when it comes to growing in size. ;)

Awww, hubby dear just walked in with a box of chocolates for me.
Forget what I wrote.
It's all good.

Work

2008-11-14T06:03:00.000-08:00

I have a job interview today. I am a master at them. I make the necessary eye contact, I say the right stuff , I dress well and walk out knowing that the employer is impressed with my mannerism and professionalism.

Today however, I am not in the mood. I am contemplating work. I am contemplating society and its harsh approach to women who are homemakers. What's wrong with that I ask? Do I need to produce kids in order to be worthy of being a housewife?
I think the main thing that is bugging me is not work itself. I have worked all my life, but the fact that I haven't been able to fully enjoy my new home with all the added pressure & inconsiderations that have been put on us lately. I feel as if someone has sucked my excitement away. As new homeowners, there is pressure to save as much we can and sacrifice a little, and I understand. Of course I do. I am not one of those who are unaware of the finances, heck I did do the loan myself. But whom to tell but myself. It's all done now. I will applaud for myself and stand strong as I know the every detail in the contract, the strenuous research, the negotiations and the stress along with that. "Here's a pat on your shoulder Naila -- BRAVO! "

I thought that at least now I could sit back, decorate and feel deserving of my home. I am saddened at the prospect of having a job, only because "some" think I am available and therefore seem to take advantage. Believe me, I love to work and earn money. I freakin' financed my own wedding, seriously...I worked dog hours as a loan consultant to have a small, but beautiful wedding. But again, whom to tell but myself. I was independent and still am. In fact, my responsibilities have trippled with the same added pressure of having a job. What has changed?

There is no such thing as care for a woman, but there is always care for a man. I am cynical, I am pissed and feel tired. I have been applying like crazy, sending in my resume day and night, just so I can get away from the accusing eyes, the jealous minds.
Getting a job is a piece of cake. My experience is written in stone. I only want...

Serenity.
I want my feminity back.
I want to be home.

Whom to tell? Just myself.

Monthly Midol

2008-11-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

When I am most irritable, tired, bloated and moody is when it's highly time to take Midol. My savior in cramps and crankiness. Tylenol does not live up to Midol as I search through my medicine cabinet and sock drawer, frantically looking for at least one tablet, like an unsettled drug addict to lessen my pain. I usually can't think clear when it hits, so I wait it out either by laying on the sofa, reading a book or keeping myself busy with something else. The last thing on my mind is to pretty up and go outside.

I become unsocial, not unfriendly.
No.
Just unsocial.
I'd rather curl up in my blanket and shy away from society.
I wonder how child birth will be?
Excruciating pain, but oh so beautiful in feeling the joy of tiny fingers and toes.
As for now, I am letting my eggs flush through my body until its time to nestle them, nurture them in fertilization.

Eggland's Best commercial comes on.
How ironic.

BLAH!

Deeds

2008-11-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

I was pondering how our deeds affect us as a person in whole. Deeds are derived from our intentions and so, our intentions are created from the heart which signals the mind. Now, deeds are the actions we perform; they aren't the mere words playing in our minds or resting on our tongue. They are the actual performances.

The heavily emphasis on deeds is preached in every religion. The wrong you do, the less fortunate you are. The better you do, the most fortunate & harmonious your life will be. It plays like a law of attraction towards what you want and is in perfect parallel from your actions and your thoughts. If I were to make a diagram on here, it would have a straight line indicating the thoughts vs the deeds in alliance of each other, that is if you are clear of your thoughts.
In a perfect world, it would be a straight line, but the truth to the matter is that thoughts aren't always supporting one's actions or vice versa. Since deeds (actions) speak louder than words, we are always judged on what we do or have done, instead of what is in our hearts.

The woman for instance, always struggles with her thought process, trying to either mend it or compromise it into the more 'acceptable thought' of her man, where her thoughts can easily become reality. Even without a man in our lives, aren't we always compromising our thoughts when reality surfaces behind us? How many times have we desired to have something or fulfill our dreams, when suddenly reality would wake us up? I am sure everyone has.
The deeds that follow our thoughts become important to how we form our lives. I have seen the patience, the endurance in myself...when I am wanting to have something, but I hold onto my thought and convert it into good intentions, knowing that one day if I hold on to the nature of the thought, it will become reality.

The very same happened when purchasing our home. I had a beautiful house in mind, where I could see my children grow up in, where I could see myself cooking in a beautiful kitchen with spacious counters and a backyard that I could call my second home, in where I could sit back, relax and sip a cup of tea. Those thoughts, those dreams I had. Not just dreams of *POOF*, and gone is my dream, but dreams of tangible living, of knowing that some day I'll be there, living the life I am dreaming.

With God's grace, my intentions, my thoughts combined with the hard work, paid off. Now, I cook in the kitchen I had imagined, I sit back in the backyard I so often dreamt of, and I see my husband walking towards the front door when coming home from a long day of work, knowing that he is a proud man walking humbly and carefully in the journey of life. Visions that are engraved in our minds and we are determined to accomplish with the blessings of God.

The idea of deeds vs thoughts, takes me to a not-so-pleasant experience I had with someone who isn't yet so close to me, but belongs to the family. A "someone" whose entry hasn't officially been made yet, but who has had in a few encounters, made me feel very unworthy with the lack of respect this particular person has shown. Now, my thoughts are registering the deeds that person is treating me with, but my intentions are staying clear from making any hasty judgments. Why? Because I know that my thoughts can be derived from unclear emotions, such as the lack of respect I am feeling, but I am smart enough to realize how sensitive "family" is, therefore my intentions towards this person are clear and will always be.
It is very hard to stay that way; to not fall into the hole of judgments, negative remarks and "bitchiness". Even though, the unfairness exists, my deeds are accountable for what I do and have a heavy affect on my household. I know my intention is what is reflected upon me and God knows...God knows.

Do you think in today's Day and Age one really stands still to think of their actions as deeds? Or just goes by living his/her life as it is, without the concept that someone might get hurt by the actions you put out there? The lack of consideration is so obvious, but when the convenience arises, they become the sweetest, the most welcoming.
I find that very sad. In our language its called "challaaki" ( being sly). To be clever for only oneself at the time of presentation for the sake of getting 'worldly' credit, is to me total selfishness. There were times when people said to me how simple /naive I was and that it was time for me to grow up and be clever.

Many times I've heard such a thing, where I am too naive to understand the "wrong" people have intended towards me, but do you really think that my naivety is foolish? Do you really think that I am not aware of their wrongdoings or intentions? I am, but I choose to think the best, I choose to do the best. It is very easy to become a bitch, but it is really hard to maintain your sanity, believe in goodness and live your life as peacefully you can, filtering out the bad and silencing it with your heart. I know that my life is not dependent on the person's actions. Yes, I do what I think is right; I fulfill my duties and take care of my responsibilities as a wife, daughter in law and sister. Beyond that, I have no control over what happens or the injustice that is done.

So why beat oneself over deeds committed by others, whom have no remorse or don't even think twice when acting sly and degrading you? They may be clever not to show, but I am smart not to over think. Life is too short and time is of the essence for me to embrace great people and make new & fun challenges.

Our deeds, one by one, step by step are truly a reflection of what we have built...
...Our very homes. :)

*This blog post is in dedication to my cousin Amina who lives in California. She taught me a lot about patience and endurance within marriage. Even though she is far away, I know that her wisdom is greater than she acknowledges. Love you!

Purpose

2008-11-07T17:03:00.001-08:00

I am currently reading this incredible book by Mirza Tahir Ahmed;
Islam's Response To Contemporary Issues.
The book has entangled me into the depth of life's meaning and purpose. My understanding, morals and values is all what this book represents and I would recommend it to anyone; Muslim or non-Muslim. I will soon write all the highlights of the book on one page, perhaps a paragraph summed up in my own words, once I finish this amazing piece of work. A thesis of a brilliant mind who was able to detect issues beyond their existence and analyze them in a manner which is logical and rational, concerning today's problematic society.

In every religion and culture, purposefully living life is preached and taught in various forms through worship, practice of good karma and just sheer common sense of righteousness towards humanity.
Let me grab the book and share with you a couple of fragments I am so fascinated with:

"It is very difficult to conceive that members of a godless society will be truly convinced of the wrong they commit when they break a law. After all, what is the law? Is it the word of a despot or an absolute ruler, the decision of totalitarian regimes, or the dictate of a democratic majority?
To a common man, which of the above should appear to be a just legislation based on sound moral philosophy? What moral philosophy indeed?

If he does not owe his existence to any Being, or if he has no fear of being questioned regarding his conduct during his earthly life in the life to come, since, according to him, there is no life Hereafter, then the answers to the questions raised above, from his vantage point, could be very different from the requirements of a responsible society. He has only this short life to live. He needs society only for his own benefit.he submits to the superior authority of the society only out of necessity. If he can run away with some self-appropriated benefit and snatch a few moments of pleasure here and there while remaining clever enough to escape detection, why not? What so-called 'moral' inhibition could stop his hand? This psychological attitude towards crime begins to develop and become stronger with the passage of time in godless and materialistic societies. " (page 64)

The above passage brings a light to the deeds one performs without the conscious awareness of consequences that can severely damage the soul. A society where unlimited pleasure and 'having fun' is paid at a very high price, resulting into confused youngsters and immoral minds.
Here's what I find very interesting:

"When societies begin to degenerate or become top-heavy and lopsided with over-sophistication, they begin to topple down and return to the same crude animal answer to their urges.This may not be visible in every social and cultural activity, but it is almost always pronounced in human relations and style in the pursuit of pleasure. A brief study of man in his responses to sex will demonstrate the case in point."( page 69)

I believe that the above stated paragraph is a harsh reality of what we are seeing today. Teenagers are shamefully forming their identities by victoriously losing virginity, uncontrollably giving in to pleasure and excitement to explore "their bodies" with the encouragement of fashionable magazines and explicit TV series. Why would a young mind be deteriorated by such selfish pursuit and deprive oneself of purity, rather than focus on more meaningful goals to increase intellect and intelligence? Isn't there a time for everything? Am I wrong, or has innocence only a place in fairy tales now?

"Where are those taboos in society-the codes of civil behavior, the concept of decency, etc which keep interfering with the free expression of natural urges? Why must sex be the only motive force which should be given a free license to express itself without regard to tradition, norms, decency, appropriateness, and the question of belonging or otherwise?" (page 71)

What really baffles me is today's news making.
Recently on the news, a research was shown that teenagers are influenced by explicit tv series such as 'Friends' and 'Sex and the City' (hmm, I wonder why!). What surprises me is that a research by professionals was needed to come to such an obvious conclusion! Promiscuous activities are shown as entertaining to an age group that heavily relies on worshipping unrealistic role models, making their every step look glamourous on screen, even if they'd taken the wrong path.

The concept of saving yourself for marriage may seem very old-fashioned or backwards nowadays, when there are so many resources available to entertain oneself and perceive it as "normal" as society has easily accepted to be free and wild -- My pondering question however, where is the self-respect??? The dignity of women and their daughters is lost in "lipstick jungle" and "gossip girl"...
The days of a man being a gentleman and a woman being coy and pious is sadly diminishing, unless we save the last bit of morality that is left in our childish persona.

Innocently speaking of course! :)

Change, finally!

2008-11-06T04:59:00.000-08:00

I have been speechless yesterday, unable to write my emotions on here or even verbalize how I was feeling. It still felt surreal.
As I woke up early in the morning yesterday, I was hooked on the news, watching Barack Obama's acceptance speech over and over again. I needed reassurance, a double check to see whether he was truly our next President.
I must tell you, dear diary, the joy I felt when he was nonchalantly announced President by Charles Gibson during the counting of the polls, was beyond any other victorious feeling I have ever felt in my life. Politics are very tricky in that matter; they absorb you with their facts and happenings, but when it actually takes place in reality, the mind needs a minute to register of what is really happening and oh yes, it did!

These elections have not only be very entertaining, but they have unified our country in the most miraculous ways. Our youth has stepped up and people from all backgrounds and colors have seen a purpose to get up and vote, a direction that has finally come to us in the form of Barack Obama, who was eager to follow his will power and restore our vision for the country. The 'superpower' in us had died a long time ago and he came to revive us from the dark days, reaching out to young and old, to the wealthy and the poor. Connecting with us in a humane manner; a manner and approach we weren't familiar with and soon began to believe that Politics was such a tough and corrupt game that couldn't possibly be in our control. How wrong we were! The determination of one person lead to hopes and dreams of one entire nation and now the whole world is celebrating with us!

What really fascinates me about Barack Obama is not only his background, but his tenure and depth of intelligence. This incredible man has followed the right path, by accomplishing the best he could and as a man of color he never looked back or doubted his capabilities, instead he moved forwards with his strong work of ethics and ideology for our nation. A man like him who has proven himself of our freedom rights and free speech, our right to work hard and dream big and our right to rise above ourselves even when the tide of waves is against us. Oh what a victory!!!

This almost seems like a dream or a script out of a movie. When a party wins an election, it is known that defeat or victory will take place, but a 'win' of such a caliber, where not only a colorful nation supports and prays for a potential President, but also sees something special stir up within everyone; a sense of unity, a desire for change and a passion for real issues that are affecting us. Elections aren't about the politicians themselves, they are about us, the regular people who live life at work, in front of the tv, in the kitchen cooking dinner, at schools dropping our children -- we are the people.

You must have noticed the right wing Republican conservatives at McCain's concession speech. They were upper class white people dressed in formal suits and dresses alongside their perfectly groomed kids, almost 'gossip girl like society', who have probably never entered a public school or seen a normal kid dealing with financial struggles trying to support his single mom while taking responsibility as the only man in the house. These kids however, seemed well off and engaged in their 'handed down self created wealthy worlds', where basic necessities are luxuries for the ordinary man.

The crowd at Grant Park was the total opposite; they were people whom we deal with in real life, people of all colors, wearing just regular clothes, waiting with anticipation to welcome their new President. They were excited, over joyed and much more affected by the economy as the working class has immensely struggled and still is, for almost a decade. President-Elect Obama's speech was moving and must have touched everyone's heart. His seriousness showed in the words of his speech and his love for his wife and daughters was humbly mentioned in the speech and then beautifully shown on stage, without any hesitations and fakenes to it, was in itself a beautiful summary of his life, of how he is and what he stands for. Not only do we find a good President in him, but also a great dad and husband.

His powerful voice makes you aware that there is a leading male voice in the room. A voice that formulates sentences not only for their saying, but also for their purpose.
His schedule of yesterday consisted of waking up at 6 AM, having breakfast with his ladies and dropping of his daughters to school. Soon after that, he was scheduled to hit the gym and then take care of all business. He is on the job and I am happy that he is showing dedication from the very first day. (ha ha I almost sound like a mother!)

Let's pray for prosperity, actual change and good foreign relations. May the mess of the past 8 years be thoroughly cleaned and may all the nasty stains go away. It is time for a fresh new laundry!!! With a touch of lavender and lemon zest, washing away all the bad particles.

;)

Vote!

2008-11-04T18:59:00.001-08:00

As everyone knows, today is a historical day for us to witness! I have been waiting for this day to come as everyone else who consider themselves political enthusiasts and even regular people who are enticed by the new move of politics as we are seeing history being made! I have been disconnected in the past when it came to politics, mainly because of the Bush administration and its poor managing in resolving foreign conflicts and the consequences of spending billions of dollars on a useless war at the expense of innocent people and our economy.

I have voted for the very first time as this year I pledged my oath in becoming a United States Citizen. I felt joy and pride overwhelming me while it was still bittersweet for me to give up on my Dutch passport I so dearly have hold onto since birth.

I would've been sad if this year I wasn't able to vote to be a part of this enormous event, which will be engraved in everyone's memories and forever stated in history books. The experience itself is far beyond any words. A black man becoming the president of the United States, a man so sincere who had no political connections but strong will and determination. I admire this man.
It feels almost unreal and unbelievable. The land of opportunities has shown an extraordinary turn of fate that is controlled by the people we live with. Barack is able to reach us from within our heart and souls as well as outside the emotional aspects. Not only is he sensible and a fresh breathe of air, he has strong ideals and will fight with sincerity knowing that the common man has a lot to struggle in order to accomplish something so extraordinary.

I have full faith in today's elections. More so, I know that he will be a great President. I would switch the channels or tune into a different radio station, every time Bush would say something or appear on TV; I could not bring myself to accept him as a respectable president, but now...finally times have changed! And 'change' will occur for the better...

It's certainly a joyous occassion!!! OBAMA '08 !!!

Invisible Lines

2008-11-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was talking to an elderly lady in the mosque during our meeting. She is one of our African American sisters who sits quietly in the front row and pays attention to what is said and announced during the meeting. I have noticed how much of a joy it is to me to sit next to our non-Pakistani sisters whom have something else to bring to the table. This sister in particular was an elderly and when getting acquainted with her, I noticed the softness in her eyes and the many years she has lived being a strong, resilient woman.

Her husband passed away when she was at the age of 43. How young she was to lose a husband in the prime time of her life! I was listening intently to what she was saying and at the same time explaining of what was going on in the meeting. I felt valuable just sitting next to her. There is a certain wisdom and a vast depth of knowledge in elderly people and it always fascinates me when listening to their stories or the reminiscence of their precious memories. It is quite unique for me to have a conversation with someone who is out of my "league" or age group, but is there really a league in life? Can't we all just rotate age groups so now and then and learn from each other? I think the one thing, among others of course, I really value and am thankful for is the fact that my parents taught us Urdu. We were raised in a Pakistani household where 'Urdu' was the common language to speak. Not only have we mastered different languages, but the knowledge and experience of speaking these languages; whether Urdu, English, Punjabi or Dutch, makes us relate to people who are much elderly and find their native language the best and only way of communication.

Now of course, different factors such as personality traits, social skills and sincere interest are keys to open doors to people whom you may not find interesting at first. The humility, the keen eye for life and its experiences, is something you will find with elderly. They have a lot to contribute, we may underestimate them...but it is the 'gold' in them that can really value the worth of life.

I decided to sit next to her, as I am most of the time socializing with my Pakistani friends at the mosque. I always make it a point to get to know everyone, even the non-Pakistani sisters, but yesterday I felt at total ease talking to the sister about faith, the strength in women and our never ending journey. We are always present to take care of things and people and therefore our placement on earth is undeniably and extremely important. It can never be underestimated, no matter how old we get. Your wisdom is often measured by the lines on your forehead, but the lines that are engraved in the heart and the soul, the very invisible lines, aren't there to be seen...

but to endure.

Babies "R" Ours?

2008-10-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

All this time while I was being absent from you, dear diary, there have been some major changes in my life. Azam and I have purchased a beautiful home and we are very happy as homeowners. The house is marvelous and we are trying to fully enjoy our home. Its been quite crazy while I've been absent from you, but nevertheless, I always feel the need to turn to you in times of happiness and all the other ups and downs of life.

Many a times have people asked me now about babies. The question that has been haunting me since the day I made the one year mark in our marriage. At first, I was happy to answer and I'd confidently say; "Oh,we'll see" but now it has come to a point where the questions are beginning to become a bit annoying. Now, I know the people who ask out of curiosity or out of love, but when I go to the mosque for instance and a total stranger 'aunty' walks up to me and says;"Why should I say anything to you, when I don't say anything to my own daughter about having babies"...I often get startled and am left literally speechless at times, not comprehending why someone who barely knows me would impose such a private question on me. Yes, I said it people...I think it's a private issue between a husband and a wife. I am not being ungrateful. I love kids, in fact I was the eldest daughter of my parents and I literally took care of my siblings like a motherhen. Marriage for me is a growing process; not only am I satisfied living with my husband, but I am also enjoying him and our marriage thoroughly. Of course, with enjoyment there are disagreements and the usual bickering so now and then, but all in all, we are doing great.

We are planning ahead for the future. Then why is is that I feel so unqualified or sometimes I feel as if I am sinning by not having babies right away? The observing eyes of people and their lingering thoughts is something I really dont mind, but to degrade a person by asking her all the time becomes very uncomfortable...it's only been one and a half year!
Is it so important to prove yourself of fertility right after marriage? Can't one just wait and plan financially and emotionally? Luckily, Azam and I are on the same page and we are smart enough to understand and cherish the moments we have now. You see, everything is divided in phases or chapters. To me, this chapter in my life is beautiful and exciting and I am more than sure that motherhood will be precious and mind blowing. I seriously drool over babies. I love them; their tiny hands, tiny feet, the smell of baby powder and then the small joyous moments of laughter that is free entertainment when having this little bundle in your life. I know it and I surely look forward to it.

I have seen moms losing themselves over kids. Not building their identities over time, can cause damage to their confidence and makes them feel insecure in front of their husbands. Its reality and everyone knows it; a woman can't be used as a trophy wife or else she'll suffer, unless ofcourse you've set your mind to living like your husband's shadow. Now, this isnt said as disrespect to husbands, it's only said as motivation to women who think the only thing they can offer is being a wife and mother and unfortunately lose themselves over this process. I admire those who are strong, confident and secure with being a mom and wife...I greatly admire them and one day hope to offer my kids the life I've dreamt of. :)

As of right now, my husband and I are acting like kids ourselves. We bought bikes and since we can park the bikes in our garage, we feel like two excited kids who get playtime to enjoy a ride outside! :)...

Life is sweet and it will be sweeter. I am just saving honey for the bees.
BZZZzzzzzZZZZZ

Confidence - The mastery of life.

2008-09-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

I have come across people in my life whom have no problem in looking you straight into the eye and tell you exactly whats on their mind. Their body language, way of speech and view on life seems to differ enormously from the people who live life on eggshells, or perhaps think they do.

Confidence is a matter of mastering your very own manifestations in which you are truly your own boss of. Once you understand, that no one other than you yourself is responsible for trusting his/her worth --that is when you can fully master your life and be satisfied with the way you are. As babies, we are confident enough (or total oblivious of course!) not to have a grasp of life around us, which enables us to scream, cry, demand attention, be taken care of, and cry again. Its the growth hormones that basically mess up the game and leave us in wonder; leading to question our looks in front of the mirror, such as the added zit on the forehead or the never ending length of our nose. Puberty is a killer. It steals you away from the normalcy around you and takes you to a very private place in the room where you start criticizing and over dramatizing the every little detail God has designed on your body, starting from the face.

As a growing teenager in Holland, you'd never believe the look I carried or my 'aloofness' in every day life, especially once you see me now! I was the eldest daughter of immigrated Pakistani parents which made me the 2nd generation of Pakistani kids residing in Europe. I was brought up in a very loving household and with my dad's expenditure on having the absolute best, I was always surrounded by beautiful things. Our culture itself, comes with beautiful and colorful clothing/lifestyle and by the way, have I ever mentioned that my mom (still is of course) was a beauty?! My point is that there wasn't a lack of beauty from where I came, but there certainly was a 'simplicity' and 'naivety' for having a careless outlook on being a child growing into a young adult, where the emphasis was on instilling moral values into your kids rather than presenting them as brainless fashion models.

At the time puberty reached, I had braces, pimples, glasses and tied my hair in a pony tail. Oh yes, I did. I was content in how I was, at least I thought I did, until High School made its brutal way into my peaceful life and showed me the cruelty of 'being different', which wasn't quite an acceptable experiment. However, back then... and now I frown upon it when I think back, I was confident to carry myself with dignity and poise and never let my culture, my look and identity down. I didn't care about negative comments some of my class mates would throw at me and I especially didn't care if the bully in the class was on a mission to hunt me down and make my life miserable. I kept on sitting in the front row seat in classes and always scored better grades than any of them. My oh so nerdy years, ha ha! Not to say that my self-confidence was pretty much shattered, but I managed to show the opposite.

As I recall, there was one scenario in where I was cycling back to school with two of my girlfriends on a narrow path which was the only path there to ride a bike on, in that particular area. As we were cycling and chit chatting about our day, my dutch friends spotted a group of popular students from afar and instantly slowed down their speed on the bike. I asked them why they were so afraid in passing them by in a normal speed and they said they didn't want to. Normally when people walk on the bike lanes, one has to ring his/her bell to warn the pedestrians of coming through. As a fierce and loyal traffic rules follower, I wasn't a bit afraid of the kids that blocked my way into riding my bike on the speed I was on. I then passed my girlfriends, rang my bell and made my way through the crowd. The kids were nasty and must have said a million bad things about me, but I clearly remember sitting on my bike, paddling away while passing through, knowing that I had the full right to do so and no one could bring me down. Oh yeah! My confidence in what was right, brought me into a lot of distress at school, to a point where my parents had to talk to the principal and warn him to keep an eye on the bad kids. This of course stirred more annoyance in the bullies and their attacks became quite severe.

Here's a scenario I will never forget; We were sitting in Art class when the master bully stomped into the class (she was a very problematic girl by the way who stayed at foster parents) looking for me as a target. I remember this as of yesterday. I was drawing something on paper when I was faced by this girl who started yelling at me in the middle of class. Our teacher was gone for the moment and she took her full opportunity in ridiculing me in front of class. She then made racist remarks about my parents, saying that they should fully learn the dutch language before even coming to school and defending their kid. As her remarks kept on growing stronger, my anger rose to a point where I couldn't stand hearing anything against my parents. I then stood up, yelled back at her and before I knew, we were facing each other, fighting and pulling each other's hair. I remember kicking her and how she sprung as a total surprise. My rage was instigated by all the hoped up frustration inside me, but really bursted out when she had the nerves to ridicule my parents. I warned her to stop, but she continued on making a scene.

That experience must have been the highlight of my teenage years. I wouldn't like to base the development of my confidence on that experience alone, but it had surely made me from being sensitive to a much stronger person. However, my self-confidence wasn't fully restored until I came to America at the age of 19. I felt more at home here than I ever had in Holland and people seemed to respect each other's differences. Life was much easier. I saw elderly sikhs riding their bike in their traditional clothing and often wondered how wonderful that was. My confidence rose as California opened its arms to us with its sunny outlook on life. I was happy.

And till this day...still am. Very confidently so. :)

Are you prepared for the worst?

2008-09-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

The dire state of the economy has all of us desperately asking questions about our future; the financial situation of America and our very own pockets. Are we financially safe and sound to retire peacefully? Will our savings nest, the one 'fall back' we have, disappear before our eyes? Where will this leave our future generations? Can this disastrous mess be resolved?

As the stock market has plummeted to shockingly low prices and much higher stakes, the housing markets; Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, are on the verge of being taken over by the Government as well as the money market that is currently under extreme scrutiny being the number one talk at Capitol Hill. The Congress will decide, either today or tomorrow to pass the bill for the 700 billion dollar bailout the Bush administration has set forth. Wow.

This long and painful recession is an obvious high price that we as
ordinary people (taxpayers) will have to pay. The bailout money of 700 billion dollars,
may seem like a humongous amount to make things right, but in reality, little fractions of this deal-- say, 40 million dollar each, and I am being modest!-- will end up in the hands of failed CEO's who in the first place were selfish enough to make decisions, wrongly executed by putting the wrong people in charge. This very notion of corporate America has shackled itself to utter desperation and is surprisingly still clinging onto the self given title of SUPERPOWER. Keep dreaming guys.

If the American dream of becoming a homeowner, buying a car and having a stable job means to foreclose on a loan that was never meant to be affordable, or rely on a job that is on any given day "laid off" by unstable economic means, then no...the American dream is a far cry from fulfilling the real wishes of the common man. It's a facade of keeping up with the Jones'. America is built on credit, but the banks aren't crediting their customers in full as they have nothing to credit for, therefore the conversion to a cash economy will take its place in households -- making us brutally aware of what money in actuality is.

If you are prepared for the worst, you would have a minimum "affordable" amount of debt on your credit card that YOU know is doable of paying off overtime and not, lets say, in a century with skyrocketing interest rates. You would also be aware of your financial future, meaning that solid investments, here and there...such as mutual funds or 401K may hold your back in times of need. And most importantly, the preparation of your very own expertise. What I mean by this is the "side project" you may be working on accomplishing apart from working for Corporate America or would you rather rely on a boss who might fire you on a sunny day?

Expertise people. Hone it. Perfect it. Market it.

1 year of Blogging

2008-09-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today is the exact day last year when I started blogging and posted my very first post; "The Awakening" @ http://nailasdiary.blogspot.com/2007/09/awakening.html

Since then, it's been a roller coaster ride of emotions; a saga of my life in which I had embarked upon a new phase; marriage. As a newly wed, I was constantly dealing with rushing emotions, compromises, trying to understand one and other and more importantly, giving each other the space and respect to love and progress. It's been fun times ever since I have learned to rely on you, my diary. You have been a reflection of my soul -- a very cathartic experience indeed in which I look back at with pride and utmost affection.

With my written words on virtual paper, I feel like I can always come back to you and connect. My words will never run away, but remind me of what I was in a certain place and time of life. When I feel the need to pour out my feelings to you, you do a great job in sharing it with the world. Some of them leave us by writing a few praiseworthy words of their own and some, not revealing their identities, give us the impression that behind their anonymous existence, there is a certain truth and familiarity in acknowledging us when relating to similar humane experiences. I am proud to announce you to the world my diary, the 'No Fuss Persona' in me will never die -- my persona which carries its complicated theories about life, covered in all its simplicity and beauty, will continue to evolve in becoming a full grown woman, who is confident and happily blessed with the loving words and appreciation of the world around her.

Thank you...:)

Invisible Lines

2008-09-23T23:16:00.001-07:00

Drama O Rama

2008-09-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

The drama in theatrical acts or movies is often displayed as an intermission part of the story where either the villain makes an appearance, tears the family apart, forces the lovers to separate ways or simply creates a climax by showing up at a very inconvenient time. The reactions of the main characters that follows, decides the ending of the story; when anger is instigated by 'evil' and violence comes to play, showing an over exaggeration of emotions on screen/curtain, or is it? An over exaggeration derived from real life scenarios, which in many ways portrays a crude reality of how drama can become a harsh and stressful factor of our lives...IF dealt wrongly.

Wrongdoings either by humans we know or don't know is a part of life and the world we reside in. It is a harsh understanding of life as we grow and face challenges amongst our very own people or the people that entered our dome of living, making us helpless and giving us no option, but to deal with whomever or whatever comes in our way. Such scenarios may happen in households, businesses, politics -- just everywhere around the world and where there are people, there is talk and with talk there is always a front row seat 'drama episode'. Oh yes, I assure you...life isn't that boring after all. ;)

After experiences and observing different incidents of life, I have come to the conclusion that drama is inevitable such as the people we meet are. Drama is as tangible as picking up a piece of fruit and eating it with the very taste of deliciousness and satisfaction. Although, on the contrary; 'Drama' gives us an opposite taste, a bad taste of disappointment, resentment, sadness. It kills the willingness to bond or create unique relationships and it also kills progress. Progress of the heart that is capable of so much love and feels such anguished void when drama hits the hammer on the core of our feelings, our precious emotions and hopes.

It either becomes a long series of sob operas or it fades away overtime or God forbid, takes the form of a tragedy in which case a lot of people suffer. Such severity is caused by inconsiderate behavior on behalf of full grown adults who are selfishly and spittingly in love with themselves at the expense of losing loved ones. The waste of energy, adrenaline, mental well being and just plain sanity is quickly gone into the evil mouth of the monster, dissolving the every sense of our being as fatal rapid fire. This fire can only be contained by taking wise decisions and preparing oneself for the worst in life. Even the worst in people.

When coming across such incident, the most important thing that I have found (whether the issue is big or not) is to be patient at first and take calm before any reaction. I have learned this through some very hard lessons in life as we all do when growing into mindful individuals. The reaction that occurs right after 'drama' happens, is the most important factor that eventually decides the outcome of your very own story. Within the four walls of your home, one can easily get angry, be furious at what is happening and even ask God for what He is trying to get at ya. But once the door closes on your home and you are outside, dealing with that incident such as the way you act, has a lot to do with living a peaceful life in spite of what goes on in the world or personally to ourselves.

The question that arises in my mind even in times of unthinkable moments, is to whether or not waste my energy on such nonsense and foolishness. If the attack is doing harm on my personal well being, then the action is taken with approaching the matter very diligently and sometimes very clearly to the instigating party. However, if the issue is useless and beyond any of my common sense, I'd rather just ignore it... as long as I know where I stand and what is expected of me. Ignoring or not giving it any attention might be hard at first, but in the long run I will know that I am destined to do greater things in life and the boat will sail smoothly.

You see, spreading a good vibe amongst each other by killing evil right when it starts, is undeniably & extremely important to me. My emphasis on surroundings; people whom you know will always spread good thoughts, whom I can learn from in striving for goodness, are the ones that create my dome of pleasurable and peaceful living.
The other ones, I do care for and am always willing to embrace differences...as long as it diminishes jealousies, greed and unnecessary drama.

O My, O Rama!

Fobs vs ABCD's

2008-09-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

We've heard it many times, the term "FOBS", especially thrown at our desi (Indian, Pakistani) community, meaning; Fresh Off the Boat. This term is not necessarily meant to be spoken in a derogatory way, but it is a means of lifestyle or certain look that is defined by "fobs".
What is a fob actually and who are fobs? Are they easy to detect?
Will their appearance stop us in the middle of our work and make us give them an extra glance, thinking that herbal hair oil might be dripping off of their neatly combed hair or that the heavy accent will easily give it away? Vaaatttt izzz your praablem ?!?! ;)

I am not judging or poking any fun to fobs and please keep in mind that I am not attacking any particular people, but just trying to understand the underlying concept of this very term which is often used in a jokingly manner or even in serious cases, resulting into insulting many a people that are plain immigrants trying to integrate into a society which is mainly built on their expertise. Heck, I may be a fob, you decide! :) Coming fresh off the boat, whether from India, Pakistan (Asia, Europe)..the challenges one faces are harder beyond the meaning of "fob". The traditions, culture and lifestyle that one leaves behind in motherland, may not be easily accepted by civilians of the newer countries. The United States however, with its melting pot of all different races and backgrounds, has over the years seen much diversity and I have found this country quite welcoming, not only to fobs but also to their very own different kinda people who happen to stand out of societal normalcy. Call it the Great America or the era of globalization where technology has made the world smaller by connecting our planet through the nanosecond channels of fast speed internet and the more intelligent working brains of the human.

Integration, globalization, outsourcing and international approach has become somewhat a household convenience whereas before for instance, calling AT & T for basic technical support would've never been a call answered by 'Peter' aka Prakash, sitting at a desk in a full buzz call center in Delhi, India. The very same people whom we call 'fobs' are taking care of a work load that is given upon them to strengthen not only the businesses based here, but also provide us with good consumer care. Whether the person is brown or purple does not really matter as long as the services are delivered professionally and efficiently don't u think? The fobs that are given opportunities to come and work for a country that thrives on intelligence, hard work and talent, may deprive them from the fresh naans of the bazaar or the colorful celebrations of their close-knit neighborhood, but it certainly gives them a sense of security; a future to rely on and make a good living -- achieving the American Dream that is a possible success for the ones who focus and make it happen.

Azam, an international student back in the years, says it clearly and very understandably; "Earn it". You can only earn it and not just have it. If you have it, then the lesson of earning should apply to your upbringing and if that fails, appreciation for such blessings are dawned to be taken for granted... which is why I would like to talk about the "American Born Confused Desis" = ABCD's. Again, without any judgments of any sort, this term will be taken into further study and analyses by me. I may not be the best candidate for this, since I consider myself to be in the middle of a Fob and ABCD. At times, I find myself extremely connected with my roots and heritage and then there are times when all of it seems to fall apart due to the unfairness and harshness that I see in my parents' homeland. It is the love and sympathy for the people that I find my own, but their dealings in either daily life or political matters, makes the love slowly chip away, taking place for skepticism and a cold distance that I haven't grown up with, yet this feeling is strong and irkes me of wanting to see improvement and development in a country that I so dearly hold to my heart. An identity of which I am very proud of, but pride isn't enough to sustain the deep connection I once felt in the past when stepping out of the plane and breathing in the air of sweet surrender in a rich culture full of similar faces, similar language.

Maybe the HBCD in me (Holland Born Confused Desi) is aware of the convenience of staying far away, but yearns for the familiarity of taste, culture & common understanding. However, the same HBCD persona in me collides with my fobbish background of wanting to have it all on the grounds of America...as long as I am conscious of the decision making of my elders in moving into a place they thought would do good to future generations. Are the future generations doing any good? The ABCD term is usually applied to those who are perhaps dealing with an identity crisis and can't seem to figure out whether to be desi or american. Simply speaking, they maintain either a two face personality by portraying two distinguished lives , keeping it separate from the parents and their conservative desi traditional lifestyles -- making it harder upon themselves to decide who they are and what they want, therefore the confused and lost minds.

And then there are those who happen to live in two worlds, but have mastered to take out the best from each culture, making it a powerful combination-- where east and west can easily shake hands and proudly show off all the best attributes to the world by developing a trusting relationship with parents. This can only be achieved when parents themselves are willing to look into the complexities of living between two totally different societies and understand the needs and wants of a healthy balance. Parents' trust factor and sincerest involvement can make the ABCD kid, loose the C in Confused and establish a C for Confidence. :)

As for Fobs, they are cute. Just convert them into geeks or (imported) replicas of Bill Gates. There is always demand for more.

Artsy Crafts

2008-07-31T20:00:00.001-07:00

My arts and crafts hobby is not much of a 'practiced' hobby that I can always take pride in, but it is one of the many things I enjoy doing whenever I have the spare time or the desire to do so. The picture on the left, was taken during the making of my eid cards when I was at home trying to ensemble the cards on the table while hubby dear was busy working on his laptop (as his hand on the mouse pad indicates). I will have to show you the end result of my card in the last paragraph, why give it all away? ;)

As much as I'd like to personalize everything I do, such as sending out cards, writing poems that fits the person's personality, I do not fully indulge in this arts & crafts world anymore. I have in the past, dedicated time to school projects at home - but since other interests have occurred in my life and I happen to be in a different phase & setting of my whereabouts and happenings, my trips to micheals or jo anne's fabrics have reduced considerably. Some unfinished projects still lure in my closet, looking at me with disapproval for my lack of interest and other ongoing rapid affairs.

One wouldn't know, but the back drop of my wedding stage; the "Alladin port" as I call it, was conceived and made by my very own hands with the help of my siblings and dear cousin. I had this idea of making a beautiful port, a gateway that would stand against the wall, with golden bronze scrolls inscripted into the door and a thin organza curtain falling right through the opening twinkling with lights as if entering Taj Mahel. Who knew that my perception would eventually become reality?

I remember being very adamant about my idea and I was carrying this idea in the back of my head for months. While making trips to Home Depot with my little brother Sammer, (who by the way was a great amount of support in fully backing my idea and understanding my concept, a nine year old you see!) my feelings of starting this project would grow only stronger. Sometimes, I'd have Home depot employees telling me to get supplies that I wouldn't like and at times some people would guide me through the right supplies, understanding exactly what I was looking for.
They had given me four wooden panels, a saw and some screws to attach it all together. I was easily lost in the big world of Home Depot, but also impressed by the gazillion possibilities of building something from scratch! I can understand now why some men would worship their tool supplies and make it their 'temple/garage of retrieve' in the manly world of "Bob the Builder".

My toyota corolla couldn't carry these panels, so the only option was to either tie down the panels on top of the roof or beg a neighbor to lend us his truck. We went with the first option... and for that, a rope was necessary to make this happen. At the time, my brother Sammer and cousin Zafar were present helping me out with my attempt to make the impossible, possible! We then purchased rope and tied the panels on top of the roof of my corolla, driving less than a mile to our residence on jenni lane. The kids made sure of holding on to the panels, by keeping the windows down while I was driving on turtle speed. Onlookers must have snickered at the scene we created; a bunch of brown people holding on to wooden panels as if their lives were depending on it, ha ha! The winds were quite gusty in the city of Tracy that day, but luckily we safely arrived home and immediately carried all the supplies into the garage. The project was finally taking form...

In both of these pictures you will see my sister Madiha working hard (and acting crazy, lol) - she was especially very good in sawing the round edges of the design. Zafar, my cousin was a major help to me! He made sure things were done correctly and worked hard in achieving my dream. I couldn't have done it without them, SIGH! :)
We had ordered some great looking wall paper to put on our Alladin door; the pic on the left shows me putting glue on the panels to eventually stick on 'the much sought perfectly - designed - golden scrolls - wall paper' that took us weeks in finding online before hitting all outdoor stores. I knew it was out there, it was just a matter of searching.

The Alladin port was ready, right before the month of February giving us enough time to concentrate on other projects around the house. The measurements of the port were precise and in accordance to the stage - my image, the idea of having such a port rather than renting one that's probably seen by everyone, became reality and I was happy to make the once impossible task, finally possible. We not only surprised ourselves in the pursuit of this mission, but also surprised each other in having a great time together imagining and working hard towards a beautiful wedding.

It took us to be crafty and artsy, but it was worth it.
We enjoyed the stage till the very end and the twinkling of the lights was exactly as I imagined in my thoughts. My visit to Taj mahel is definitely due after all this!

Its funny how a little bit of imagination, will power and dedication can make a person achieve his/her dream. There isn't much to it, whether its the making of a stage or the pursuit of a career, it all takes passion and determination. My arts and crafts skills have taken a different direction; a direction towards a more domestic and home making pursuit.
While the other day I was making spring rolls from scratch , following the every step off of a youtube video, I thought to myself; this isn't any different than sitting in a class of sculptures or making something out of clay - my concentration was focused on rolling the spring rolls into neat rolls while folding them properly with just the right amount of egg wash to serve as glue. This type of art however, can only be satisfying to the tummy! :)

My cards?
Ready to mail!

Wants vs Needs

2008-07-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been chilling in the mornings; after making hubby dear his breakfast (we're out of cereal and I don't feel like driving to the grocery store) , I have felt the 'need' lately to start off his mornings on a good Italian bread sandwich with a fried egg folded into a little bit of hummus, salt and pepper. The egg is a good protein to start off the day, topping it with a smile and a good amount of energy!

A couple of years back, I would have never thought that I'd be wanting to make breakfast and lunch for my loved one, but I have come to the discovery and surprisingly so, that I like waking up early and taking charge of the kitchen. I find my kitchen to be my "lab" of experimental culinary adventures; I am nothing like a stepford's wife or martha stewart and neither would I like to be, but to become a "caring factor" to someone you love and respect for all the hard work he/she puts in, is far more satisfying than sleeping in -- so I've decided that it has rather become more of my "want" than just a "need" to prepare breakfast and box in some lunch all handy with plastic utensils, napkins and a sliced apple for the after taste. The mysterious brown bag he carries with him is nothing less than a box of pandora! ;)

Maybe it is the 'traditional-self' in me who loves taking care or the fact that I was brought up in a (liberal) Pakistani household where my mom would lovingly take care of not only her spouse, but her children as well; so effortlessly, so beautifully. Although, I have never felt the pressure to perform; there's days when I just lay back and am not in the mood to even enter the kitchen, let alone cook. At times like that, eating out becomes a luxury. I would never make it my neccesity, since the less I eat out, the more I enjoy the occassion of doing so. :)

In Europe the notion of eating out, is still considered 'luxurious' whereas in America eating out is just a form of grabbing dinner. I'd like to remain a little bit European and make fresh food at home; knowing that it is far more nutritious and healthy than any restaurant or cafe. The need to do what I think is right, easily becomes a 'want' in no time when you are aware of the amountless advantages that are associated with the benefits you gain at the end.
My benefit: I feel blessed and useful in my very own household, plus I like to copy all the dishes I try out outside, giving it my own twist and flavor; I can claim it as MINE than Joe's crab shack's fast food version.

The need for having cable for instance; wouldn't it be nice to zap through all the channels and have my favorite tv shows right there at my service or do I really want to? Have I ever considered the need for it? Looking at it from a more mature and productive perspective: no I perhaps don't need to have all the channels to my convenience, but my "want" can always overpower my "need". That is when I re-think, re-evaluate the situation;
Living in an apartment, having busy lives, trying to work hard to one day afford our own home and make our dreams come true; how much time do we actually spend watching TV anyways? At night, there are a couple of programs I like, apart from the news -- I like watching the usual King of Queens and Seinfeld, but missing out on Food Channel or the National Geographic Channel is definitely felt by husband and I, however the 'need' for not having it is stronger than the 'want' in this matter.

Life's control on things alone, is actually a good practise for keeping our humility and basic needs intact. With internet streaming into our household, all favorite episodes can be seen online and therefore 'technology' that is within our reach, is fully utilized, making the world a much happier place! :)

It is important to keep your wants and needs in alignment of actual reality. As humans, we'd obviously want more and more, but do we ever stop to think whether our neccesity of wanting is more of an unfulfilled desire that we are desperately trying to fill? Are desires the only focus of our happiness and self-fullfilment? I am asking myself here. I love beautiful things around me and I am guilty for wanting the best, but I will certainly wait for the best to come along, until I know the 'need' for the product or service and fully, consciously understand my 'want'.

Until then, my battle with 'wants and needs' continues to be my ying & yang of life; I hold on to to what I hold precious; the very best of everything, even if time challenges me of my patience...

I will wait.

A game of Soccer

2008-07-27T13:33:00.001-07:00

My body is trying to recuperate after a good, intense game of soccer last Friday. The event was hosted by a college friend of my husband's as he discovered a soccer field on the grounds of the University; hidden behind a street overlapping big gigantic trees -- providing shadow to Rice Blvd and its many joggers, nature lovers and dog walkers.

As an adventurer myself, I was immediately drawn to this street and felt as if a pivotal part of Houston was deprived of my compliments and recognition. I am sure there are many more beautiful "undiscovered" spots that need an eye for appreciation. This time however, I was in awe with the overpowering presence, yet the utilizing factor to what Mother Nature does as time goes by. Trees, in all their majestic postures, may cover a street with their coolness and beatifications; they are in fact alive and I truly believe in their very own characters, moods and growth forms. The neighborhood of Rice Blvd is exactly the place where one would love to have his/her home, going back into the cozy environment of old homes surrounded with trees older than your own existence. It surely has a "winnie the pooh" joyfulness I find; hopping down the street, making a tree house, holding bar-b-q's, inviting all of your family and friends onto your terrace overlooking trees to climb on and claim as your very own... :)

We arrived precisely on time for the game. I was unaware of how the proceedings would take place, as it was my very first time taking part of a soccer game in Texas and meeting the people who'd organized this event. My husband Azam, had in the previous week laid his ground stone by scoring a couple of goals and impressing his fellow players with all the tricks he's been carrying in his hat. The game was fun, spontaneous and in the preparation of selecting team mates, the 'left overs' which included me (since no one was aware of my soccer talents yet!)stood facing the two team captains with merciful eyes and hopeful face expressions which I thought I'd left behind in High School. The same feelings still made their way through adulthood while I was standing there nonchalantly thinking to myself that I've been there once before, in the past. During the 45 minutes of "gym" as we'd call it, the brown girl with glasses was chosen until the end, ha ha and deja vu, here we go again. :)
Oh no hard feelings, I am just reminiscing classic high school moments I am sure everyone must remember; to each their own.

So at last I am chosen into the opposite team of my husband's, which is better since I wanted to show him off anyways; let the challenge begin hubby dear! Through poking Azam and making faces of superiority I felt as if this time I was the one who could reign on the field and he could have his way at home. What a better battle field to choose than a game of soccer!
As a defender in front of the goal keeper, I kept my pace steady and concentrated on all the dangerous players who were tricky with the ball in passing through, some of 'em I managed to tackle and some of 'em were too fast to stop.

I am surprised at my very own energy though; in Holland soccer was not only a sport but a passion. I grew up playing soccer with boys in the neighborhood and not once did I ever think of myself being different than the rest of the guys. Soccer was a mission, a beautiful footwork combination of the foot with the ball. I think the same feelings of dutch patriotism came back flowing into my physique past Friday and I enjoyed every bit of it, tasting my childhood while it brought back sweet memories of orange colored festivities all throughout the city of Purmerend, Holland.

The "orange" in me hasn't died, I suppose.

Blessings of Khilafat (3rd Prize winning Essay)

2008-07-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

_{Allah had promised to those among you who believe and do good works that He will surely make them Successors in the earth, as He made Successors from among those who were before them; and that He will surely establish for them their religion which He has chosen for them; and that He will surely give them in exchange security and peace after their fear: They will worship Me, and they will not associate anything with Me. Then who so is ungrateful after that, they will be the rebellious.}

_{(Surah Al-Nur, Verse 56)}

The topic on Khilafat and its blessings is very near and dear to my heart as I have seen Khilafat, the Successorship of Prophet Hood, through the eyes of a simple, yet mindful girl while growing up in the Netherlands. The numerous advantages of experiencing such a close-knit Community that was small in the eighties, but in constant desire to prosper within the very safe walls of our mosque; Masjid Baitun-Noor in Nunspeet, Holland is blissfully prospering till this day forward; A beautiful tale and a part of my life which I cherish immensely and I am more than delighted to share. My memory goes back into the days when my parents witnessed the historic arrival of Khalifa-ye-Rabay (The 4th leader of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community; Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed) in 1982 at Nunspeet, when Hazur was traveling from Pakistan to eventually immigrate and seek safety in the UK. The political situation in Pakistan was in such a dire state for Ahmadis, forcing our fourth Khalifa, Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed to leave his beloved homeland. The arrival of Mirza Tahir Ahmed was needed at times when immigrants had settled and such, Hazoor's Khilafat (leadership) and close supervision served as a great guidance to future generations in Europe, establishing their identities in foreign countries whilst keeping the religious & moral values in tact with the on growing blessings of Khilafat.

Khilafat, the continuation of Prophethood with our appointed Khalifa's - successors to this worldwide Community taking leadership, reach out to the corners of the earth with the true message of Islam, but Ahmadiyyat also advocates peace, tolerance, rationality and wisdom amongst followers, trying to change misconceptions about Islam in the West. Ahmadiyyat is the religion of Islam that was revealed to the Holy Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) and remains the peaceful Islam that was instilled into people's heart fourteen hundred years ago with love and affection, with logic and reason and surely without violence and terrorism. The bond of brotherhood and the uniqueness of gathering under one unified law-abiding community is crucial to any systematic structure of life, whether it be society in general or religion that is bound to sustain in harmony through unity and unity only.

In today's Muslim world, the agony of a disunified religion is visible amongst different sects of Islam. The disagreements, the hatred and the misconceptions have caused many to suffer and suffocate for the same God we worship and for the very same faith we so dearly believe in. When a foundation of a house isn’t built strong enough, the house will eventually collapse, either with a blow of strong gusty winds or with the pressure of heavy rains making the house, once called ‘home’, fall to its bits one by one. The same blow or push can also enter our lives as trials to challenge us of our strengths and faith, determined not to leave us alone, until we’ve proved ourselves worthy of living in total surrender to a power that’s higher than our realization. We must acknowledge and give in to the natural course of life and feel free of any imperfections we so deliberately try to hide as humans, as citizens to the country we reside in and as followers to our community.

The blessings of Khilafat are like a life saving rope for Muslims throughout the world to hold on to. Our tight grips will ensure us to be saved out of an ocean where confusion lies, where the waves of prejudice swallow us and make us drown into the whirlpool of distrust and separation. A separation so severe that it causes the morale of our beautiful faith to slowly disappear, judged to its entirety by the evil eye of the ignorant. To prevent such evil eye and to eliminate negative influences through media, the launch of Muslim Television Ahmadiyya on August 21st, 1992 in London by our fourth Khalifa Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed, is a blessing one can easily attest to. MTA is a great addition in households where the tunes of pious poems and the preaching of informative subjects are echoing from wall to wall while enhancing our knowledge and intellect. MTA has become an easy replacement for all of the worldly entertainment, seeking spiritual improvement to our health, conscience and life style.

In my household when growing up, we would sit together as a family and anticipate "Children Class" that was a great entertainment for all ages. "Mota bachcha" would have his innocent mishaps when conversing with Hazur and would challenge himself and others learning "Urdu" in this very comedic class of realism and affection. Urdu was taught not only to the children of the class, but due to the enormous popularity of the program, hundreds and thousands of kids became eager on learning Urdu watching it on their television screens. Soon, a whole generation of growing kids was saved in the hands of our very own Khalifa and wasn't deprived on speaking this beautiful language. In fact, our current Hazur still emphasizes on the importance of learning Urdu for the better understanding of Promised Messiah's books that are originally written in Urdu by himself. Translations have published in countless languages, but to truly understand Promised Messiah's writing, one must learn to read and write Urdu. The sought-after blessing behind this pursuit is that, not only will kids be able to understand religious literature, but the addition of knowing a second language will work in advantageous ways in attaining future accomplishments.

Personally, my ambitious competitiveness to learn and compete with my fellow group members at religious competitions for poems, speeches and memorization of the Holy Quran, has taught me to identify uncommon mistakes in my writing and speech and I have excelled as a student in all aspects of life. The singing of poems was invaluable to the pronunciation of my Urdu language and the in-depth meaning of the verses has helped me understand the innate love for God and His prophets, establishing a deep connection with poetry when expressing my inner-self. Memorizing Surah's in the Holy Quran with translation, either in formal English or formal Dutch, made me pass my dictation at school by making easy efforts and topping the class with excellent grades. I would frown upon the curious faces of my fellow Dutch students who could not understand the "variety" to my palette of intellect at such a young age and as usual they were left bewildered to my seriousness and wise mannerism in comparison to other kids my age. I was called "different" and the difference it was that made me hone my skills even furthermore with the blessings of Khilafat following my every step as a shadow in all other pursuits of life.

By the time I reached my teenage years, my involvement with the community had increased and I felt blessed to participate and volunteer with dedication towards the mosque and the people. During Khalifaye Rabay's visits to Nunspeet Holland, people would line up at the entrance of our mosque and reside at the mosque, sometimes a week or two weeks in advance to help out with the preparations of Hazur's arrival with his family. Hazur would stay in his bungalow overlooking the beautiful woods of Nunspeet where Hazur would relax and vacation; enjoy horse riding, camping, long walks with his crew members, conduct in conversations with farmers and other Dutch residents of Nunspeet. A pictureristique location in a heavenly setting of Hazur's presence and blessings was a celebration Ahmadi families couldn't resist to miss. Urdu Class was loved and excitedly embraced by all the community members of Holland when they planned on making a trip in the summer of 1997.

My sister Madiha and I had prepared a welcome song in English and we sung our hearts out when seeing the sight of Hazur. The song was very much liked by everyone and till this day, the lyrics and the enthusiasm that rushed through my head, is still felt in the every inch of my consciousness. Another song/poem composition took place in my very own room, during my finals at High School when my mom urged me to write a Dutch La ila ha poem. The la ila ha poems are composed in different languages and sung by sisters of our community either at Jalsa's or MTA programs. It struck to me and my mom that a Dutch version of the poem was never composed and written. During the very stressful nights of studying for my exams, I took it upon myself to write a couple of verses and the rhythm of the sounds were automatically revealed to me as I was trying to compose a unique piece. Unique it surely was; our Dutch la ila ha poem became an instant hit with the witnessing eyes of the entire Urdu Class being present from the UK and amongst them our very beloved Khalifaye Rabay listening intently and praising our creativity. Surrounded in nature at a park, the kids sitting on the ground were waving their green la ila ha flags to the tunes of our singing voices. That day I knew heaven had descended to earth. My heart was overflowing with love for my Khalifa and the blessings were in some ways surreal, yet so powerful and glorifying to my soul and existence. I was assured of Ahmadiyyat, of the truthfulness of our religion and more so, I was determined to live my life on the path of Ahmadiyyat. I knew my dedication and utmost love would be rewarded by Allah and the blessings kept on multiplying as the years went by. Blessings have poured down onto our laps in many forms such as the unlimited talent that has our community up and running with the very hard work of our professionals and aspiring achievers.

The Ahmadiyya Community has built over eight thousand mosques worldwide, including the first mosque in Spain for seven years and the largest mosque in Sydney, Australia. In Toronto, Canada the community built one of the largest mosques in the Western hemisphere. The first overseas mission of the Ahmadiyya Community was established in London in 1913.
The Ahmadiyya Community is also proud to have built the first purpose built mosque in the UK; The Fazl Mosque was established in London in 1924. It is the only mosque in London known as ‘The London Mosque’. The community has given back to mankind by establishing a UK based charitable trust called "Humanity First; serving mankind". With its non-political, non-sectarian approach, Humanity First is an International Relief and Development Agency working on voluntary basis to relief suffering from the surface of the earth that is either conflicted by natural causes or inhumane wrongdoings. Humanity First is working out of nineteen operations spread out over all continents dedicating time and workmanship on projects like; "Water of Life", supplying water pumps all over Asia and Africa, providing clean and safe water for over thirty thousand people. Humanity First continues to help people in need.

Our community is also generous towards students who need supplemental funds to afford their studies such as to cover the cost of their books etc. Grants are provided to those students who fill out the required information and provide transcripts approved by the local Jamaat office holders. The addition of two thousand dollars in the pocket of a student given by the Ahmadiyya Community is very valuable when indeed; the money is used for investment purposes. Only a student can understand the aggravation of being low on cash while keeping his/her head low and deep into the books of theory and subjects. How wonderful it is to have pride in a community that stands strong to its morals and supports those that are the future, the champions of tomorrow's world and the blossoming seed to the Jama'at (Community) we so passionately belong to.

The blessings of Khilafat are clearly visible in the system that is set up for the people that can use the extra help. Such as the Mariam Shaadi Fund which helps families to support their finances when planning to marry their daughter. The Marital Fund is a great way of providing basic needs to families who may be shameful for not matching up to their children's expectations or perhaps their very own. The truth of the matter is that the world we reside in is valued and measured by money and this very 'currency of purchasing' has a certain power to provide for basic necessities which one should never be ashamed of. The Ahmadiyya movement and our beloved Khalifa understand the importance and the burden that may lie upon the family's shoulders when arranging a wedding in today's rising expenses. The Jama'at has simplified and logically approached these realistic issues one can face in life with much care and dignity. The system is based on office holders who carry responsibility and are accountable towards one and other and above all, to Almighty God.

The Waqfe Nau Scheme allows parents to dedicate their children to the cause of Islam before their birth; raising their kids with the highest level of education and the desired expectation to excel in all venues of life. Waqfe Nau kids are given a more detailed curriculum to study and expect to perform with outstanding results for the betterment of their upbringing and to raise young, intelligent minds that will live in the cause of faith and strive to become successful while remaining in humility and Taqwa (Fear of God). Without the self -consciousness of God, one can not comprehend the intensity of God's existence and therefore our placement on earth. Our purpose is to serve the God we know and in return, Paradise awaits us for the good deeds we deliver. Waqfe Nau kids have a strong sense of morality instilled in them and their love for the Community is repeatedly reminded of by competing in fierce competitions and by setting a golden example for fellow Muslims around the world. When we touch upon the subject of "expectations" for our kids, the one thing to keep in mind is not the pressure that is assumingly associated with it, but it is the advanced and higher thought process that supports the actions of these pious kids. The higher the mentality, the more dignified the wisdom, resulting into a pious and moral society full of intelligence and good intentions. With Khilafat as a brick stone to lay on the foundation of the earlier years onto a kid's upbringing, the parents are aware of the countless blessings that they'll experience upon dedicating their child to the True Islam.

Both of my brothers are Waqfe Nau kids and as an elder sister I am proud to have them serve mankind with the true concept of Islam, at an age they fully understand and are able to imply the importance of this beautiful religion into their lives and that of the lives of others. Work needs to get done in order to wash away all the misconceptions, the hatred and the ignorance that is thrown at Muslims as they are to blame for all the extreme terrorist activities this society has blindly pointed its finger to. Without knowledge and confrontation, it is easy to alienate oneself from a world that may seem distant, but so recognizable with the every 'hijab' (headscarf) you spot on a girl's head or when striking a casual conversation with your next door neighbor about his family's preparations for Eid Day festivities.

Muslims are visible, but not under one distinguished organization, they are living in a safety net of their self defined anarchies, but to whose success? Are we really a part of a great faith that underwent challenges and suffering to prove itself in front of disbelievers? The deliverance of a faith that suffered the loss of lives to prove its authenticity, is now not up against its opponents of different religions, it is up against its very own people who continue to live in a disconnected pattern, a broken system that is called the "Tragic Muslim World" or a Shariah (Islamic Law) that has been modified and taken out of context by extremists whom claim to know Islam, whom claim is to utter the Greatness of God whilst justifying their wrongdoings by holding themselves superior to the rest of the world. The Shariah of those is to bend laws to their conveniences and gloat, reeking of self-satisfaction when looking down at the weak and the poor, the illiterate and the pompous.

Abdullah related to us from his father, he from Aswad bin Amir, he from Abu Bakr, he from Asim, he from Abu Salih, and he from Muawiyah, that the Holy Prophetsa said: 'He who dies without [recognizing] the Imam dies the death of ignorance.' Page 96 vol. 4 Musnad Ahmad. This [Hadith] is also recorded by Ahmad, Tirmidhi, Ibn-e-Khuzaimah and Ibni Habban. Al-Harith Al-Ashari gives another version of this Hadith: 'He who dies without [following] the Imam of a Jama‘at certainly dies a death of ignorance.' Hakim reports this from Bin Amr, he from Muawiyah, he from Bazzar, and he from Ibni Abbas. [Publishers: The Need for the Imam]

This Hadith (The Saying of the Holy Prophet) clearly indicates that the person who dies without acknowledging a leader as an Imam, he will die of ignorance. A righteous believer will seek its leader and will prevent on all accounts to die in such misfortune. The Holy Prophet's words count heavily and are incumbent upon every seeker of truth to persist the search for his Imam. Now, the Imam is not just a believer who sees true dreams or receives revelations, or else an every ordinary person would become the Imam. The Hadith is true in its every context but it needs to be acknowledged and well implemented into the thinking of the Muslim World that God has established Prophet Hood to establish spiritual relationship among the Holy Prophet's continuation in Khulafa's (Imams). Therefore the same continuation has taken place with the Promised Messiah and its Imams, a system that is destined to mankind to follow with a structured approach of centralizing one religion with the guidance of leaders. The Imam must possess the following qualities in order to benefit mankind;

The very first quality is moral strength, since Imams come across mean and foul-mouthed people, it is important for them to possess moral strength in all given situations and remain immune to rage of all sorts and kinds, whether it be egoistic or out of vengeance. Secondly, the Imam should have an eagerness to excel in good deeds, meaning in acquiring Divine blessing and his love and knowledge for God. The third attribute that the Imam should have is immense knowledge and the passion to pray for the improvement of such. There are multiple attributes acknowledged and stated in this very interesting book called; The Need For The Imam. However, the need for the Imam plays a crucial role to society's enhancement for morality and peace. This very subject takes me deep into thoughts of the importance of Khilafat and how deprived one must be without the guidance of an Imam.

Walking on a dark road without a light in sight, is hard when one is trying to reach his destination, but even harder when the light is seen through the blind eyes of ignorance. An easily solved solution to this matter is knowledge and the right surroundings to fully understand the very essence of Khilafat. Blessings are life's gifts that require no payment upfront and aren't refunded once received; as blessings are little joys of miracles and are granted to us to better ourselves as human beings, to look into our souls and find forgiveness towards all the cruelties. The sadness that deprives people from cherishing the challenges in a positive manner, making them feel unsure of life's struggles, is an indication that God is surely testing his people of all obstacles. The misfortunes people encounter, they may encounter by not fully appreciating their blessings when they are there in actuality. Therefore the misfortune or the bad luck is laid upon them to recognize God's Glory and surrender themselves to the natural course of living rather than trying to prevent and hide. God's love must transcend all the negativity of the world, such as a mother's love for her child. An instinctive love that is indescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced the joys of motherhood. The unconditional love towards your child will send every mother to the limits when protecting her child, her sweetheart from the evil of the world. Like wise, Khilafat is a protection for our souls, it feeds us when we are hungry for spiritual uplifting and it grabs us by the finger when we are trying to stand up and walk. Khilafat is like the parental supervision of all forces combined into one entity, a community that unites under one roof with the message of love and compassion.

As for my last personal experience while witnessing blessings of Khilafat in the Netherlands, I was fortunate to become a part of a golden period when our fourth Khalifa, Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed, had the innate talent to connect with the younger generation. Every Imam, every Khalifa obtains their own personality and their own tactics of implementing their teachings for that particular time. Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed-Khalifaye Rabay was gifted in communicating and relating instantly to today's youth which made him even more lovable in the Community. Our current Khalifa's love for the Jamaat is shown through actions and principles and Hazrat Mirza Masroor Ahmed's sense of humor and quick wit puts the vibe in the room into positive radiance, filling our hearts with immense love. My last composition of a poem called; "Punjabi Tappei'n" was a light-hearted, yet funny presentation to the cultural and traditional values we have in our community. From the eating of Pakora's and Samosa's in Urdu Class to the serving of "Daal" at Jalsa's Langar Khana, the lightheartedness was created by singing the poem in Punjabi which made the undertone funnier and laughable.

"Jalse to mai waari, mai kurri Ahmadi yaa'n Jalsay to na Haari"
Translation:
”I am utterly in love with our Jalsa convention, since I am an Ahmadi girl after all!”

"Jalsa Holland da bara pyaara, Hazur de aawan nal, jag mag hoya jag saara"
Translation:
”The Jalsa Convention of Holland is so fabulous that with the presence of Hazur it has magnificently lit up the whole place!”

All the poems are captured on video and one day Inshallah I will retrieve this video from Holland and back it up 'visually' with the words of my essay.
The tune to this poem was inspired from a traditional folk song that is usually sung at weddings. The fusion of mixing culture and religion into a poem was at first a bit challenging to reveal, but with everyone's approval and excitement we couldn't hold back onto our creativity and performed with a laud applaud of compliments in front of Hazur, Khalifaye Rabay back in 1998. My sister and I were thriving on the fame and the appreciation that we received was more than any materialistic dream we may have had at that age. Our Jama'at took precedence over all our desires and the blessings became tangible as we could taste the bliss around us. The taste of bliss was in literal form when Hazur, Khalifaye Rabay's (Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed) left-over food was presented to the rest of the crew at some nights, including our humble selves who would be eager to get a bite or just a mere crumb off of the same plate Hazur and his family ate from. The gratefulness on everyone's faces for an opportunity of such small scale, yet containing life's tremendous happiness, was inevitable to every single girl, every single auntie’s expression. The bond of sisterhood in a sphere of epiphany was understood even when everyone was silent. Our prayers weren't.

When we take the Bai'at (The Pledge) at the hands of our Khalifa whether it be as converts or as a re-pledge while attending the Jalsa Convention, Bai'at is taken with the ten conditions we promise to adhere. The beautification of the occasion is the simplicity and the proper procedure that is followed for everyone, of all different language speaking countries to be a part of. I become awe-struck every time the Bai'at is taking place on the hands of our Khalifa. The experience of seeing it LIVE at a Jalsa Convention when the ladies' side also puts their right arm onto the right shoulder of the person sitting in front, we all become connected even though the segregation of gender, men and women in different halls- does not take away the enormity of the event. While television screens are set up at the ladies' side to witness it live, the emotions of that particular moment, knowing that people who weren't a part of our blessed community before have accepted Ahmadiyyat, the True Islam, into their lives makes the occasion even more so special. At last, the analysis on the Holy Quran and the Holy Prophet (saw) in perfect alignment with the continuation of Khilafat;

The Holy Quran was the knowledge and the Holy Prophets(saw) was its true personification.
It was not merely the grandeur and majesty of the eloquence of the Holy Quran, or its erudite style, that overawed the hearts in such an extraordinary manner. Rather, it was the practical example of the Holy Prophets(saw), his unique moral qualities, accompanied by the constant manifestation of heavenly signs, that made an indelible impression on the hearts of his Companions. Since Islam was very dear to God Almighty and He wanted it to live to the end of time, He did not wish that it should become, like the other faiths, a relic of outdated legends and myths. In every age this blessed religion has had living exemplars who, by their enlightened knowledge and example, made people remember the time of the Holy Prophets (saw), to whom the Holy Quran was revealed. In our own time, and in keeping with this His practice, God Almighty has raised the Promised Messiah (as) among us, so that he should be a witness to the age.
(The Need for the Imam, page 58-59)

The passage above states the exact importance and brings out the logic that I certainly hope to have conveyed. Khilafat has surely had an interesting road to pave and it still has an entire future to carve out; a future where there is place for Ahmadis to perform pilgrimage to Mecca and not be restricted by their beliefs, a future that holds faith in Pakistan's political policies towards Ahmadis in un declaring Ahmadis non-Muslim and giving them their rights of expressing freedom of speech and religion, a future where there is no imprisonment & persecution of innocent followers, a future of pious and peaceful living and hopefully the future holds a fast growing number of Waqfe Nau kids becoming the gem that shines even in the piles of dirt, when it remains unclear to see the logic and determination is tested severely. May the upcoming generations be born with golden hearts of good intentions and souls that are made of angelic material beating down the evil of society; Prospering towards a more progressive, a more accepted concept, staying true to its originality is what the world is hopeful for an Islam that carries solutions to problematic issues with the guidance of the Holy Quran, Ahmadiyyat and Hadith.

Blessings of Khilafat can be instilled anywhere in the world as long as the household holds a moral standard of righteousness and obeys the simple rules of modesty and morality within the beautiful teachings of Islam. It is not necessary to obtain blessings from one particular country or it should not be used as an excuse to escape oneself from responsibility, since the country you reside in may come with its complexities and lack of modesty, but the main objective should remain to live in the cause of faith, live in humility and taqwa to attain life's joys.

Muslim Television Ahmadiyya is a great source of welcoming blessings into our very home as it creates an environment for kids and adults to learn. The technology of today may change in rapid speed, but the advantages to the Ahmadiyya Movement are even more attainable as the world and its knowledge has embraced an electronic way of creeping into people's minds, such as with the internet and the Ahmadiyya website, one can not be far away from a Friday Sermon or the Holy Quran as all literature, all the needed information is captured just a click away to our conveniences.

The Ahmadiyya Movement has quickly adapted to the growing changes of technology and it surely is a blessing to see that volunteer work has delivered resources of high performance and efficiency on International level. The quality of work is praiseworthy and surprisingly professional looking. The impression one gets when browsing onto the official website is that of admiration and sincere interest. The availability of literature and sermons is of great use and can be listened to anywhere in the world, thus a blessing that is hidden in the chaotic world of Internet generally creating destructive minds, however alislam.org is a mental relief to those who are in quest for rational reasoning from a logical standpoint and declarations, on atop of my lungs;

Love For All Hatred for None!

Changes

2008-07-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

I have decided to make a couple of changes to my blog, such as the slow and steady changes I am about to make to my life. Not the "eat smart, move more, sleep well"...changes, but the changes that will allow me to become more focused when trying not to procrastinate in achieving life's goals. A more inner-change that is needed an abrupt make-over through the heart of an innocent, but the eyes of a fiercer, much faster world.

Eating smart, moving more and attaining more sleep are changes that I am already allowing myself and within myself to change as they have started to appear from all fronts, but the changes that I am mostly concerned about is the change in my focus. More than once have I allowed my mind and heart to wander or go off the path of direction when it came to MY life. MY life wasn't as important as yours, you see. I'd be doing all the right things and still at the end, I'd be the one either getting disappointed, let down or plainly upset with the behavior that was thrown at me. I have realized as I am growing, how less of an affect that should have on my own personal goals. The emphasis on "MY" or "I" isn't automatically understood by me, as I have always cared and taken care of other human beings surrounding my world of goodness and good natured people. Unfortunately, goodness is not always paid back with gratitude or appreciation and therefore I am here today, starting and realizing the 'reality check' that took me years of understanding in how the world revolves.

A family member in Europe may have said it right when he said and I quote; "There is no God in America". I often wondered what he meant and why a pious man like him would make such a big statement. I now fully understand his dismiss, which wasn't towards America itself but to him it was the experience he gained while being in America and the environment in households had made him say this. The approach of life in all its selfishness, the busyness and the disregard of basic human feelings as it all moves faster and faster. Progression, money, love, good looks; a beautiful presentation to the eye becomes a severe poison to the mind.

Now, I believe to be an optimistic person; you'll see me smiling most of the time and even if I don't feel like it, I will still make the effort of trying to remain pleasant outside. Inside, in my own world of comfort and trust...I question my living and criticize myself at times for not doing better, for not pushing myself or waking up during that one incident when all was well in my thoughts, but in reality when I came across evil, I was not able to detect it as clearly as others have/had. Loved ones may call this being gullible, but I have now come to a point where I find it enormously annoying to spend my time with an amount of good intentional 'heart and soul' and get ditched at the end either by a single comment, total ignorance or lack of appreciation.

An optimist like me is often struggling with challenges to differentiate the good from the bad, but can not fully comprehend the sake of cutting back on people that carry evil or have intentions of not seeing you succeed. ???. WHY? I ask? Would you say a cynic is far better off understanding the cruelties of the world residing in people's thoughts and daily activities? Or is it the optimist that is doing a far more better job in trying to change the situation or the perspective of such a person while spending an enormous amount of energy, just to do good?
Isn't the life of a realist conveniently stronger for him/herself? No explanations, no lack of self-esteem, just the pure intake of oxygen every day and the faith that there isn't a single person that would do good to you unless you do good to yourself.

Surprisingly, I am aware of all the different types of identifications, whether it be optimists, pessimists, cynics, realists, chauvinists; all of it. I am sure we've all had to experience them in our life somehow, one way or the other OR we became 'them' for a short period of our lives.
A period that we have either buried and decided to step away from or it's still haunting us, lingering in our minds, appearing in dreams or nightmares to be reminded of.
Ha! You see now that's life, they'll say. I am still asking though; what is LIFE? Isn't life the choices we make of adapting one of these identifications mentioned above? Aren't we fully in charge of our realism and living, knowing that this ID would fit our personality the best? Then why is it that along the way of 'living' we tend to change or perhaps consciously decide to change into someone else we didn't prefer first hand? Life can pressure you, it can force you into that change; humility becomes pride, generosity becomes greediness and innocence becomes harshness.

To give it a different twist, to get a taste of your own medicine, I would like to take all the elements and bring them into a more positive sunnier side. A side I so deeply believe in. If humility can become pride then why can't pride have the strength to become humble? Why doesn't greediness become more generous or harsh mindedness become more innocent-like? Because it does! Now, that's the optimist speaking in me and I tell ya this... it happens!

So as a conclusion to my very own thoughts that have been confusing me lately while I was completing my chores, taking care of my household, studying for an exam, I have finally come to an analysis that perfectly describes who I am and what changes are necessary to make in order to remain Positive, yet Realistic and yet Pessimistic when the need arises so that at least ACTION can be taken for the wrong doing of others to you! You see, seeing the glass half full is great, in fact it's wonderful and one should keep on doing so, but seeing it half full at all times, even when reality gives you a kick in the head, trying to desperately take you out of the GOOD, throwing you temporarily into the BAD -- it is about time to realize that GOOD still resides within you, but now it's time to take a step back, breathe and realize that not everyone is as good of a thinker, as good of a doer or as good of an intention holder as you are.

Therefore my friends, life is interesting. It's interesting to see the changes that take place in humans. I don't think that I can ever become the girl that walks into the room carried with pride and self-love, who does not open her mouth un til someone approaches her. I can never be like that. I am the girl that walks into the room with a smile (hopefully a white smile with the regular usage of crest whitening strips, ahhh!) and engages herself into conversations with people whom she finds real and interesting. A certain charm is lived through my eyes, a charm that I call 'the love for life' rather than constant love for one self.

I see them, I see them in corners and I see it in their acute observing eyes; the foxes that stand still and take in all you have; your body, your clothes, your jewelry, your body language...they take it, stare at it, read it and then perhaps either laugh at you inwardly or can't accept the envy that builds up within them. Them, I know.

My jokes, my silliness and love for life will still carry on at the age of twenty six and you know what? I have changed. I have changed in my focus of life. Thanks to my husband, who has been a driving factor of realism for me, thanks to my sister who has been the inspiring factor of motivation for me and thanks to my lovely Ammi jaan (mom) who has been the living factor for my existence.

An existence that will never create an expense to someone else, but rather make profitable gain by adding good and 'good' is all it takes. No more.

KCC Celebration - minus the chicken.

2008-07-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

KCC and not KFC is "Khilafat Centenary Celebration" ; a worldwide celebration of Ahmadi Muslims, commemorating and celebrating the existence of their Community for the past 100 years with their founder, Hazrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmed (the Promised Messiah), is what the title of this post stands for. I am one of the fortunate people who is proud to be a part of a community that preaches Islam with logic reasoning, rationality and truth. Please visit : alislam.org for more info.

I was extremely ecstatic to be a part of the celebration while our beloved Khalifa (the current leader of the Community) paid a visit to the annual convention in Harrisburg, PA. The opportunity of meeting him LIVE and seeing him speak to the audience as a person and leader, rather than just the leader we know of on Satellite TV broadcasting from London on MTA, was in itself a great experience to witness. My trip however, was blessed a thousand time more when I found out about the following;

My sister and I were given a great opportunity to sing a poem, called the Arabic Qaseedah at the Convention and we were more than excited to perform in front of such a large audience of almost ten thousand people. The ladies' side consisted of five to six thousand at the most. My part was to sing the Urdu translation of the poem, whereas my sister sung the actual Qaseedah in Arabic and beautifully mesmerized the whole audience with her nightingale voice. Later I heard, people would stand still and drop silent at what they were doing, listening to our Qaseedah as our voices were magnifying the walls of the convention hall, reaching into people's hearts and souls.

Unfortunately, this event was not shown live on satellite television as our poem was not scheduled to be performed in front of Hazur (our leader) which became a matter of discussion amongst people when we finished. They approached us and raved on our performances saying that we should have sang the poem in front of Hazur. :) Well, the opportunity itself was so large and just the chance alone to be a part of such a great event, that it never really bothered us, but we were rather humbled and gratified by the whole experience! It definitely brought back some beautiful memories of Holland's performances in front of the fourth leader, Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmed.

The experience of dedicating oneself to three days of 'moral cleansing' and 'spiritual healing' as we call it, is absolutely necessary in today's society. Our lives are surrounded with materialistic accomplishments and fulfilling of desires, that it's damaging our view points of life and the purpose we're here to serve, which in my opinion is God and Mankind.
My post today is very unconventional, yet clear to who and what I am; an Ahmadi Muslim.
The declaration of "Love for All and Hatred for None" is nevertheless a powerful quote to be revised and practically applied into our lives and the lives of others. Think about it, if we were literally about to follow this motto; vices such as jealousy, betrayal, lies, insecurities would most probably diminish (not vanish!) from the face of the earth and evil wouldn't have the chance to manipulate innocent beings. If only this motto was practiced, without the bias of following a religion, just the motto itself....I sometimes wonder how much love would transcend into people's lives and hatred be buried deep down, never to rise again.

I couldn't believe when I received an email a couple of weeks after submitting a 5000 word essay on the Blessings of Khilafat, stating that I was one of the winners of the essay writing competition! I clearly remember visiting Austin and residing at my husband's aunt place when I went downstairs to check my email. I had not the slightest clue that they'd chose my essay as a position holder, so it came as a total surprise when I opened my email and found this wonderful news. Naila, who terribly underestimates herself, pinched herself to reality and forcibly believed it to be true. Tears of joy ran down my cheeks as this "prize" represented almost everything I have been trying to achieve in my life; the perfect balance between Deen and Dunya (the material and spiritual worlds/realms). Soon after, it felt surreal and I knelt in front of God asking Him to give me more strength and 'intelligence' perhaps in achieving much higher goals than what I've set for. The tears ran out of joy, but also a bit out of sadness for the ones I've loved so deeply and aren't a part of my achievements and celebrations, today. The past was a build-up, a training field for all the awkward years of being a late bloomer, the kind of girl that wasn't into impressing others by materialistic approaches or advancements, but wanted to continue to do good, either by community work or plainly by making others feel good.

My sister Madiha, who is my right arm in all "our pursuits" of facing challenges and making the smallest of dreams come true, is without a doubt a vital part to my growth of love, intellect and achievements. Without her by my side, my inspiration would've lessened, my reflection would've died and perhaps my self-esteem would have still suffered. Our understanding of each other and the importance we place on such events in life, is by far the strongest relationship sisters can have with one and other and I am more than proud, eternally grateful to God, to have sent her as a beautiful gift to a needy sister like me who could have never honed the skills without her sweet presence and commitment. My very lovely Madhu Bala :)

It's funny how one always tend to prove him/herself through hardships and feelings of void, to cover the pains of loved ones or the ones that decided to drift apart...knowing that in the realm of 'living' they'd be somehow proud and grant upon a prayer or two for the betterment of our lives. Maybe those distant people aren't our inner-demons, but rather a driving force to do better and better...

My perfect KCC celebration, without the KFC, mind you! ;) All Hail the Chickens!!!

Wise Beyond Years

2008-04-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

I struck upon a conversation with my co-worker today whom I've come to admire. We were talking about our level of maturity and understanding of life, thus becoming wise beyond our age. Is it the pitfalls that make us touch rock bottom or is it just our perception of seeing things differently than the rest of our age group? Are we too damn serious or just seriously involved in our lives?

The past is like a closed chapter of a book to me, whenever necessary I may take a look and see how the story evolved in either becoming dramatic or immensely boring and sometimes superbly exciting. The present is sculpting towards a future, a future that I am molding in my thoughts and is beautifully and sometimes painfully in creation with the very true and hard realities of life.

The truth behind an individual can not be measured by the very first look, neither can anyone be judged by their materialistic 'wear'. It may all be an illusion of happiness and satisfaction, whereas in truth it's just a mere facade to keep up with the image and avoid the realities of life. Pain.....suffering....and "lessons learned" are just a part of growing up. Are we really too weak in confronting the lies behind this big monster of show and perfection? Is this society really built on pretense and superficiality and those who succeed in doing so, easily move forward in life? Are we a part of the game, the dirt we dig up so eagerly and later on deny to play in it ourselves? Hypocrisy, jealousy, the fear of failure and rejection are beginning to creep up on us like a second nature. We are interesting species. In denial of our own existence and whenever we need someone to pinch us in the arm to make sure whether we are alive or not, we start looking down on someone else, trying to heal the wound temporarily by finding miserable, unaccomplished fellow beings while boosting self-confidence.

Wow....bravo....drugs is often the core problem to many societal problems, but the 'drug' of psychological depreciation for oneself and others will surely make the house fall apart. It will ruin generations to come with fiercer competition and the greed to measure every single thing with money... and the heart....well what's the heart worth anymore? Are there true feelings left in this world? With every bad intention, or bad wish that is granted upon someone at the tearful breaking of a relationship or a deliberated unfairness amongst friends, this vibe is spread out and will bounce back twice as hard leaving question marks to never be answered.

Where are the true commitments I ask, the loyalties of men to women and vice versa...the sweetness of enduring pain, struggles, happiness with one and other and making it all worthwhile for the sake of life? A life that is lived in its simplicity of breathing, eating, sleeping, praying, finding camaraderie and perhaps true love. The same simplicity that our grand parents used to live with or our late ancestors when planting a seed of life, never imagining the turmoil of today...the complexity of living that is visible on every person's forehead.

We have either fallen way back into the gutter or we have given ourselves the credit to advance and be excused of all the normalcy and simplicity that would structure society in the past, whereas now it is seen as a mediocre pursuit/lifestyle. The horse rides that served as transportation in the times when we weren't even born or the black and white colored television sets must have been great pleasures to those who were content with what they had...

Those years were wiser, much more trustworthier and unique in their very own way. My perception of today's life is still the beauty I behold within my imagination, but it can never match the golden years of innocence when kids were kids playing in the mud and moms were sweet moms baking cookies with their aprons on, where the obvious care of the household would fall on the mother's lap and the fathers would earn the bread. In today's society I have seen way too many girls, young moms struggling to make ends meet, trying to provide for their babies whilst suppressing their womanly emotions under the fake persuasion of "todays independent woman".

An independent woman can never be fully independent with the burden of finances, children and health issues, unless the three are solved through hard work or sheer luck, nothing and I repeat nothing can be done to lessen their heavy burden. They will do their shifts, try not to get sick, go home and take care of their family for the rest of their lives, knowing that they can't afford luxury when life's purpose is to pay bills and survive. This is society....the society that I have witnessed and have many times questioned to myself.

I find my reflection in the streams of water awfully wise beyond it's depth, yet fresh to its fascination with a insatiable zest for life. I now understand the 'wrinkles' to one's face; they're layers of living, undoable of erasing...or else we'd be wiping off wisdom in all its entirety.

My thoughts are floating.

The Pursuit of Pastry

2008-04-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

I find it rather disappointing to walk into the Bakery section of my favorite grocery store, expecting to find a good slice of pastry when I am craving for an upscale cake, but on the contrary; am constantly greeted by "foam- filled, whip cream topped, biscuit -less pastries" with a presentation of 'good show' , but no dairy quality.
Are my expectations too high? Or am I making a good point?

Is it too cynical of me to criticize my surroundings and crave those memories of heavenly deliciousness when making a trip to the bakery in the midst of Dutch living? Finding excuses to return my so called overdue books at the library (bibliotheek), were only made possible by the lurking smell of yummy strawberry filled croissants at a bakery around the corner...
One couldn't possibly resist. Now, you must be declaring me a total food fanatic or an obsessed out of control freak emphasizing on the very small details of pastry perfection. Although, I know for a fact that all my fellow European immigrants will second me on this and probably share the same pain and desperation for fresh, pure organic dairy baked in all its glory for the purpose of seducing mankind to its impeccable design.

The experience of my knife touching the crispy crust of biscuity cake and breaking through a wall of thin sliced almonds...hmmm...stumbling upon a triple layered department of chocolate, vanilla and a gooey pudding-like mixture, laid on a fresh baked carpet of biscuit-crust topped with whip cream, is surely exciting for a one year old celebrating his/her birthday to an eighty year old treating him/herself a good piece of surmounted sweetness.

The movie "Waitress", starring Keri Russel whose keen on having a very sweet love relationship with the pies she makes in the shop, shows a certain passion that I am trying to convey and perhaps serves as a backbone to my pointless ramblings on pastries. You see, a preparation of some sort, whether it be a pie or a pastry, requires attentive care in the 'intensive care' of patching up ingredients to make it eventually survive the robust world of competition and ignorance. Such ignorance towards the beauty of art, food and simple childhood to grown- up satisfactions.

In the city of Purmerend, Holland a bakery used to exist, filled with customers lining up to get fresh bread in the mornings, croissants for their elaborate breakfasts and pastries for their appetite in the late afternoons. An environment of people bicycling with baskets of groceries on their bikes, running their errands while snacking on heavenly goods. A city that was a suburb with its cows in the farms and the development of new housing, I could've never imagined that my thoughts of today would take me back to those memories that I considered a daily normalcy. A life style that wasn't taken for granted, but that was lived and known as the only 'life' I had...until the same life was twisted upside down to welcome a new life style, a new place and new pastries.

Pastries that I still haven't developed the taste for yet. The "Dutch" in me hasn't accepted anything less than the quality I grew up with. It has replaced my indulgence temporarily for an all American cheesecake, but it surely hasn't hit home yet....and it may never be.

I will not surrender as of yet, but I will be searching...for that, that makes it all worth to even travel overseas to lure me into the luscious bites of what I call,

...a Perfect Pastry... ;)

Naila Nation

2008-03-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

As I was driving back home from work, I tuned in to Sangeet Radio 1460 fm Houston and got caught up thinking in calling them and answering a thoughtful question. The question asked to the listeners was; What would you change about the world? Or America in particular?

I was keen on letting them know that the very first thing I'd like to see as a change would be health care. I didn't elaborate on my answer since I thought that by saying health care, my meaning to say universal or much affordable health care without corruption of profitable government entities, would be quite obvious. However, now I do regret for not explaining a little bit of my standpoint regarding this issue. The next thing I said was the perspective of people on Islam, especially on those youngsters who need to redefine this beautiful religion for themselves. I then blabbered on saying something about other perspectives around the world that needs to be changed and I remember saying in my head; Naila stop! Enough talk.,...its a radio talk show, not a long melodramatic phone conversation with your friend!

Soon after my call, I could imagine myself sitting in a studio talking to "the world" about all the topics that I find important and the world is currently dealing with; the upbringing of children in this society, the countless attractions surrounded in our daily lives, the hatred, the lies, the love and the commitments. All of it. I could imagine taking people's phone calls and consoling the parents not to give up, but pray and emphasize "good" in their children and similarly I would talk to young people in their own voice, in their upbeat style and mentality to not only connect but also "live" through their troubles and moments of joy. A radio show that would offer a big sister, a good friend and a soothing voice to heal and move on and perhaps learn a thing or two from.
A funny program, full of laughter, little mishaps and a relief for those who are disconnected with their inner-voice...frantically in search for purpose and sheer joy. The simplicity of living lies in sharing I believe. I love to share. Not only that, but I HAVE to share. A day without sharing is mostly incomplete for me. Ok, these past couple of sentences are starting to sound like a kindergarten 'sharing song'! :) Oh well, sharing is caring...just sing along!

When you come to think of it , there are so many people in the world with personalities that differ and are unique in their own way. Some like to share and some not. Some don't care at all of what others think and live their lives in their self-created cocoon, a safety net for unfortunate failures.
Then there are those called, open books. They won't mind turning each and every page of their book and reading it out loud for you accompanied with details and spontaneity, story after story depicting themselves as the head character, either deadly boring or engagingly fun.

I hope to maintain "fun" in my sharing sessions, whether it's sharing my happenings throughout the day or sharing a certain view on an important topic, one shouldn't become monotone or pessimistic.

While it is easy to delve into everything you say and regret the things you haven't said to clarify your standpoint later on, it is also very important not to forget that your voice is like an echo of your thoughts. The mouth may blabber the words per se, but the mind gathers the words and filters them into rigorous critiques signaling less self-worth and low self-esteem as a feedback, unless those same words, after filtration, are converted into happy thoughts.

Are you catching my drift? haha...the same is happening right now. After my radio phone call, I went over my words and really criticized myself for not saying more, for not saying perfectly what I had planned on saying. I could feel my thoughts struggling in my brain while I was driving, the negatives were pulling hard against the positives, pushing them farther and farther out of my mind. I could feel the pressure hoping up in my thoughts, the anxiousness in my physique started to appear, the sadness and disappointment of an imperfect performance was taking place and I found myself staring at an endless road. Driving in a robotic state of mind, I felt as if my mind was a different part of my body until I began to realize the foolishness in this! Why would a certain event that lasted 1 minute long have such an effect on me? Why would I think about it over and over again, until I could hear my skull cracking? I then put on a song and sang to the unfamiliar lyrics, feeling the sun through my tinted windows and as I drove home I gradually felt the mind relaxing since the struggle was over. Finite.

I slowly parked my car in the lot, made my way upstairs, opened the door and smiled as I entered and greeted my livable apartment. The mind wasn't signaling anything, but a cup of hot tea!

Naila's nation in my head withdrew itself, preparing to combat and battle upon a different venture of life...soon, very soon.

My tea, sizzling hot.

New Job Jitters

2008-03-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is my very first day on the job and as smooth as my interview went, I do feel a little jittery for starting off a new job. You must know, I have been out of work for almost a year now (beside some article writing). However, during the interview I felt as if I was back on track and my interview couldn't have gone better. I was confident, precise to my answers, attentive and witty when the need arose. I also smiled in between sentences which probably kept my conversation fresh and exciting.

You know, I really did a good job and I never felt nervous throughout the process. I like people asking me questions, I like answering challenging questions and most of all, I like to prove myself. This has been an ongoing inner struggle within myself; my self-worth. It's funny how I mentioned that my very first years when moving to America were essential to me, like my first teller job that I took and how it changed my approach and confidence in people and myself. I also said how much of a big role it played in developing people skills and getting to know America's culture. A country so vast and diverse, made an ever lasting impression on a girl who 10 years ago was sitting in a Dutch High school, wearing round glasses and braces with her hair neatly tied in a pony tail, a shy girl with a strong need to learn and absorb every little detail the teacher taught, while taking the front row seat in class.

Ha! I can't believe I said that! I remember saying it in a very summarized way, concluding my answer about the growing journey of a teenager who embraced America and in return received a jar full of worldly knowledge. I remember saying that in a very short but poetic way. The employer would nod and say something nice; his eyes would flicker with the every face expression I made. I hope that was a good thing. Hmmm well, I remember him saying that he thought that I was bright and energetic! Not only that, but today I received an email with another compliment about my many talents and how good of an asset I'd be to the company! I liked it! It's good to hear all that, especially when you've dedicated yourself to domestic pursuits throughout the year and so was I, Naila,
happy to have found myself as an independent girl when walking out the enormous building, knowing that I can be super wife, super daughter and yes, super employee! :):)

I need to arrange my closet and my first day on the job is tomorrow. What shall I wear? I may go with black formal pants and a nice shirt that has flared sleeves with embroidery on the neckline...hmmm....or maybe I should skip the embroidery for now and go for a starch white blouse...?

My new job jitters are starting to appear. I am happy.

March Madness

2008-03-10T13:17:00.000-07:00

March is the month of severe weather, thunderstorms, possible tornado warnings. March is also a month of fashion with NY Fashion week kicking off its newest collections in the previous month, fashion shows all over the mainstream capitals start gearing up for Spring. March is also tax preparation month and a killer for those out there who have to pay up and are starving to save a tidbit until the grueling IRS period is behind their back for at least a year.

March is stressful for students studying for their midterms, sipping gallons of caffeine to stay alert when eagerly awaiting to finish their darn semester. March is Spring Break when you can take a breather or rather regret your kids being home. Ohhh March...
And you know what?

March also celebrates my 1st wedding anniversary. 25th March to be exact. So as we are busy in March, we are marching ahead and completing our tasks, knowing that March may come with some obstacles but March is fresh and new. March gives us bloom from seeds and new birth from a dreadful winter embracing warmth and happy beginnings. March that is.

In March there is Basant (kite-flying festival in Lahore, Pakistan) and there is Easter with mr. Bunny and his colorful eggs. In March there is Aids walk, the one I wanted to attend and am now reminded of, as I am typing? hmmm. March also ended the long-stretched Writer's strike that all of us were dreading and were hoping it would end sooner, oh well, better late than never...my favorite shows will finally air and I'd be able to call it my TV-Sunday!
In the month of March, Dubai's annual shopping festival takes place attracting more than 2.5 million visitors from all over the world. I'd certainly have to see a festival this big! :)

March also welcomes the real "March Madness": The men and women basketball tournaments. These tournaments determine the national champions of college basketball.
If dunking a ball or buying a pair of heels is what you like, then you are free to choose your own madness. Mine is lost in the midst of trying to learn how to bake cookies and on the other spectrum; to stand on my feet and accomplish long-set goals.

March will set new ground to an establishment for all of us; whether it's taxes, a new baby, a new career, crazy weather, or a new spring fashion spree...we are laying a fertile soil for our little plants to grow on, promising a fruitful summer ahead of us!

If madness would come in the form of my dear friend March, I'd gladly accept it...won't you? ;)

Love or Arranged Marriage?

2008-02-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

'The happily ever after’ moments are very well tattooed in our minds from the time we are kids reading fairy tales to the very reality of growing up and realizing that 'happily ever after' may take another route before reaching its destination.

Marriage, a holy matrimony between two souls uniting in harmonious commitment for life, is a sacred occasion every girl dreams of. The preparation of finding your dream bridal dress, the perfect location for walking down the isle and the strenuous decision of choosing the right flowers matching the bridal theme, are scenarios every girl fantasizes. A dream so pure and beautiful in thoughts, yet sometimes, is harshly unattainable in existence. Human nature has evolved drastically with the rapid growing technology of today and marriage has been given a whole different meaning. People have become aware of their surroundings and demands by paying a more detailed observation when finding a mate.

The concept of love marriage is far more lenient than before within the Eastern society and generations of culturally diverse ethnicities living in the United States are integrating open-mindedness and tolerance with the changing of times and traditions. Girls are no longer marrying for the sake of marriage alone; they have a deeper understanding of commitment and are willing to take risks within their personal growth of intelligence and intellect. Love marriage is usually defined as a very liberal act of personal decision making, whereas arranged marriages in the West are confronted in a demeaning, force able way for not pursuing your own life partner.

The perception of a marriage without initially falling in love is strictly looked upon as an emotionless bond, an alliance per se within the consent of parents alone. This is however an untrue factor for the educated households believing in traditional matchmaking over a string of dating consequences. Values of such sort are created in the environment of a community that holds dear to moral ethics and contradicts the exposure of women in a materialistic society where looks are given precedence over intelligent capacities. The question remains to be taken under the loop and studied in various different angles;
Is love marriage to be perceived more seriously than arranged marriages, or would you rather say an arranged marriage is ought to be safer, since played on common grounds?

With the growing trend of youngsters trying to find their own life partners it is worrisome for many parents to give up on their power of knowledge and wistful life's experiences. Parents have taken a backseat. They may or may not enjoy the ride, but when happiness is at stake, conforming to their children's ideals is usually the best thing to do. However, parents who are liberal in thoughts steer their kids to the right people and let them decide what's best for them, preserving their enthusiastic mindset in the domain of challenging the right from wrong.

Along the line of pure and pious living for Muslim youngsters, a relationship that is sought for marriage purposes is a more permissible act within the eyes of God and the family. Our society has succeeded in designing a women's mind to easily mold into conventional male perceptions and feel pressurized for living up to the expectations of such meaningless pursuits, leading towards insecurities and paranoia among young women.

The wait for a marriage proposal within a long-term relationship is often a stressful period for the women to inhale, without the guarantee of an actual commitment for the investment that was put in from the very core of the female heart and soul. Such heartbreak and misuse of sincere feelings is a direct chain reaction of decreased faith in the unity of marriage around us. A protected wall of secure and sound decisions in the form of parents may be well served to such tragedies happening nowadays. The outcome of a marriage is not determined by love or an arranged fixture of destiny; it is determined by trust, respect, tolerance and communication.

By solely making your own decision or weighing in the decisions of your well-wishers, one can not lean towards the one or the other for reaching a successful romantic life. Fate that is based on arranged marriage may come in with baggage of maturity and in-detail background research paired with family commonalities, likewise, it may not uphold the kind of fate that was woven in the heat of passion and attraction towards each other. Similarly, fate itself can easily turn its back on both, walk away and never look back.

When I touched upon this subject with my mom, this is what Ammi had to say:
" Playing the role of a parent and trusted friend, we are well aware of the actions of our sons and daughters since they have proven to be loyal to our beliefs and values. In return, our unconditional trust is given to them with the knowledge that they will make decisions based on righteousness and good moral judgment.”

Awww, thanks Mom! :)
The hope to find true love remains a struggle for mankind and is repeatedly defined as a new product to lure young people into thinking of exposing themselves at an early age, packaging it as entertainment and fun, while gradually depriving the young & confused from a beautiful vision of marital commitment.

When the Holy Prophet of Islam, before the announcement of Prophet Hood, was given a marriage proposal by Hazrat Khadija, a courageous 40 year old widowed business woman, the Holy Prophet accepted the marriage proposal. A very unconventional marriage had taken place in the times of the Prophet, more than 1400 years ago. It was highly uncommon amongst Arabs to marry widows. Hazrat Khadija's boldness and confidence is praise worthy; she was known to be a poise and noble lady.

In today's world a woman's boldness is defined by her body language and the art of seduction, rather than the innate understanding of finding supportive structure in life. The marriage was arranged by the woman herself and resulted into the most lovable marriages of the Holy Prophet. An arranged marriage that was initiated by a woman, is somehow seen as a lack of substance in the 21st century where there is claim to be more modern, much more progressed, where secularity is pride, where marriage is a trial of boredom and is inevitable with the fast growing excitements of the day.

The individual concept of marriage should be revised and taken into positive consideration, whether the conduct of marriage is arranged or love, nevertheless statistics may speak their own language, cultures may enforce their ideology, at the end it's the two people involved who make it all happen...

through thick and thin, for better or for worse.

Oooh Valentine?

2008-02-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

To those who have loved ones and to those who are spilling their hearts out today to declare their love, who are showing emotions on an 'official given day' whereas the rest of the days it doesn't acquire much publicity, where there is pressure for men to perform and bring home the roses and chocolates anticipating women to drool over them, to those I say ; Look closely at your family and the love of your life; have you really appreciated their company, their surroundings day in day out? Has their presence truly enlightened your soul throughout the years or have you spent most of the time bickering/avoiding/or defending your stand point? Now, don't get me wrong. Valentines is sweet in its presentation, but a bit shallow in its commercialized approach. Of course everyone has their own creativity of delivering the perfect Valentine and again no problems with that. As a woman, even I had to drop a few hints to get the "special treatment" today. But you know what? My love has never lessened or instantly increased just because Valentines decided to announce February 14th the day of love.

haha, my words may come with a little sarcasm, but I am a true romantic by heart and soul. I would encourage men to treat their women with love and make them feel like a princess, but the reality of the matter is that even Valentine would frown upon the many deceitful relationships people carry around with them; the smile, the charm, the promises makes them look lovable and adoring, but the two faced personalities have it all mastered, all figured out.

If there is a day that I would like to be an official day on the calender, before Valentines day...that would be the day to respect and believe in morality, to love unconditionally without the "pretense" of beautiful packaging or bouquets, to hold ones promise and to fully approach on it with purity and decency, a day so pious and full of truth, to truly love someone as if your life was depending on it, to shed tears of utmost joy, to kneel in front of the Creator who has given us all the blessings, yet still we remain ungrateful. If that day approaches anytime soon, I'd be the first to walk the parade, I'd be the first to carve out a heart so big that the whole world; white, black, brown, yellow, purple, green....all of it would fit in. perfectly.

As a society we are guilty for commercializing ourselves far too much, to dramatize "love", how sweet and beautiful it may seem from the surface, digging it deeper to its core one would find a note asking to question ourselves, our role, our character in the movie of the year, called Valentine. The critics may not applaud, your loved ones may not give you a standing ovation, but to follow society and rules, you will blindly walk ahead and ignore the natural signs of stepping back into reality, putting importance on impressing friends with an exaggerated story where you surprised him/her on this BIG day of supposed love.

Love to me is pure, it is natural like a mother bird feeding worms to its baby birds, it is beautiful like the blooming of a new flower, it is fulfilling like eating a bowl of ice cream and it is surely incredible like an unexpected miracle from the Higher Powers of this Universe.

When receiving a beautiful rose stem from my loving husband today, I was excited to give it its own place in a vase on the side table where the color red pops out, like bright red lipstick on starch white skin. His one rose was a sea of rose petals for me leading towards a destination I know of, the safe haven of trust and such intense love that is shown through sweet commitment. That is in existence between a husband and a wife, from one person to another.

My valentine isn't justified for being married, but it is justified for having a clear view of love...labeling the relationship with any name doesn't make a difference as long as the intentions are clear. My emphasis will always lie on this, whether today or tomorrow...we need help as a society to stop sugar coating the true meaning of living and start living a life of true purpose and love.

My heart goes out to those students killed in Chicago today in the lecture hall of their University. What statement was the shooter trying to make on Valentines day??? Why the killings? Why the violence, hatred and desperation of taking lives? What is happening to the young???

Love should not be alone, it shouldn't appear for one day and walk out the door in all its selfishness. I am deeply sorry for the losses and I pray for betterment, for a peaceful future where our kids later can be sent out to school without the fear of them not returning ...ever again.

I will rest my case here. The jury has adjourned Your Honor, off to eating chocolates and making it all disappear with the opening of a wine bottle and the arranging of beautiful gifted flowers... tell me...whom are we kidding here?

-------

Starting Over

2008-02-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

Starting as a new born baby in this world with the growing pains of learning, falling and getting up again...I have decided "starting over" isn't a big deal anymore at the age of twenty five. I also realized that "time" can never be late, since the time spent towards improvement is never wasted, even when failures and disappointments take place. My disappointments are very self-destructive, the ones I don't like to talk about, but always make my stomach turn from the inside when I think about. More so, these are expectations that I highly hold for myself in order to live up to my own self-reflection. The outer world perceives me as a whole person, but the "Naila" in me always has a fine niche for criticism somewhere lying around. I have decided to fill in that empty spot within me, mark it off in a (self)-application box and never regret. Stop it right there!

Starting over in a new career, a new place that has taken me almost a year to explore with my homesickness to California; I have taken a vow of discovering new adventures in Houston, whether it be career related or entertainment wise, life will be much interesting once I step outside in the overbearing sun of Houston with its massive hugeness applied to every building and every step I take. Nevertheless, I don't feel lighter, I don't feel triumphant, but I feel a sheer joy crawling up on me, knowing that this may become the most exciting year of my life...apart from the 'newly wed' roller coaster ride of last year.

I have been sending off resumes all morning long, expecting to receive an answer, a phone call or someone squealing at the other end of the line begging to hire me....the one and only and yes!...I'm back in demand! :) To every employer I apply, to every building I gaze...I find myself walking in a business suit dealing with tons of real estate transactions, I somehow drift away into the security of my home. The nest that I have build over the past year, this soft embrace of household satisfaction; the hourly brewing of green tea is just a couple of feet away sitting on my kitchen stove from pouring into my teacup, the little trip to the balcony in the afternoon to water my plants and the soaking of my feet in the calmness of the sun---can never and I repeat never be replaced in a fast paced working environment where the AC will be turned up high, resulting into layering on clothing over clothing, killing the fashion, where stress is another way of paying off youthful energy and slowly, but daily chipping away on mental stability to make place for the so-called rat race, the chase of a lifetime . Melodramatic aint I? haha!

Naawww, I am over thinking it a little. Maybe starting over and facing the people will bring new experiences for me to laugh on and share with. I am a people's person hidden behind this computer screen, making a buck or two by observing the world as it is through my apartment window overlooking the boring parking lot.
Richmond Ave. Houston. Texas. The World.

The reality; My world. I better push the START button or life itself will push me OVER the fence. Starting over that is.

" DIFFICULTIES MASTERED ARE OPPORTUNITIES WON "

Sleeping Beauty

2008-01-27T04:31:00.000-08:00

Sleep as important as it is to me; a drug to my tiring physique, a nurturer to my mind and a temporary escape from this world, it's also a burden of sleepless anxieties of falling asleep if you know what I mean. The expectation of 'sleep' is in itself tiring, knowing that you HAVE to sleep rather than naturally fall sleep and wake up automatically. The multiple awakenings, the annoying movements and the awareness of each and every sound...whether it's your next door neighbor turning on the TV whose living room happens to be next to your bedroom, separating the two families with a mere thin wooden wall. One can't even say 'brick wall'.

I'd prefer to move away in a house with no boundaries...no walls, where sounds of mine echo back my familiar self. Where disturbance is only of the wind blowing, the stars gazing and the birds chirping. Where an endless sea of tulips, roses and dahlias welcome me as I open the door to my master balcony, looking down upon my flowery servants, full of fragrance and color. While the morning breeze touches my cheeks like a morning kiss that elates my soul and gives me encouragement to wake up...rise and shine!

Sleep. No wonder the word 'sheep' is so close to sleep.
I also wonder how many sheep it takes to fall asleep. Never done that.
Maybe the elongation of "ee" in sleep and sheep makes the word sound soothing and therefore boring. Like the science behind "Ohm", the more you say it in meditation, repeating this mantra over and over again, the more peaceful you feel with your inner-self.
Emphasizing the Oooo= opening your mouth....HHHH= breathing deeply and MMMM= trying to reach the very core of your soul.

For some reason, sleep in all its mystery and magic, has many times taken place in fairy tales. What was snow white thinking when she was put to eternal sleep to never wake up until the prince kissed her out of unconsciousness? The magic behind not knowing of what overcame her and in what state she was in, made it even more exciting to see her waking up in the arms of the handsome prince.

A sleep that was so beautifully manufactured, without any imperfections. Her lips as red as the apple, her hair neatly tied around a hair band, and her perfect posture that made her look like an angel and ready to be seen. What'd she do? Brush her teeth before the scene?

If we consider ourselves sleeping beauties we may wake up looking like one! At the end some of us may not be greeted by a prince who has traveled distances just to see your beautiful face in the morning. You see, snow white was lucky to have had such high praise about her beauty that left royalty wanting to see her. Walls should be broken...all barriers should be taken away....maybe the jungle will do some justice to us girls, so that praise/admiration can reach the seven dwarfs resulting into a world wide chase of 'natural beauty'. Real natural, I say. ;)

If beauty sleep can restore criticism about ourselves, if it can restore and fix me being too much reliable on all the beauty products that are readily available on my dresser, then I will, without any doubt, sleep like sleeping beauty and wake up like snow white...if not in the arms of a prince (for the hopeful), then waking up knowing that sleep has converted the "uselessness" of our human bodies for an estimate of 8 hours, into something everlasting;

A youthful and radiant appearance!
Sleep well! :)

Death, an inevitable circle of life.

2008-01-19T15:05:00.000-08:00

Life and death, a very realistic part of living in this world and the one very fatal condition we are aware of; knowing that one day our breath will give up on us, our heart will stop working and we'll be forced to make our way into another dimension, a dimension that is unknown to our existence, but understood by many religions as a reward and last resort for the good and the bad.

For many, this ultimatum makes them strive to become a better human being and for others it may be a fear factor, ignoring their sins until death itself faces them in the eye. Some may realize and turn their 'left-over' life around or some still stay oblivious to this fact thats written in stone and cannot be erased. Does this mean that the ignorant amongst us are living life to the fullest without fear and consequences? Or does it mean that the faithful, knowing the outcome of their deeds, lead a more harmonious and balanced life? What is what and what's not, is a personal
belief of every individual as long as he/she leaves earth with a satisfaction of complete and utter surrender to whom we may believe in.

Bucket list, a movie that I saw lately, ingeniously written and directed, shows exactly my point I am trying to make here. More than a certain 'point', its rather an analysis of what I think of life and death and the road in between called, living. We all live under one roof so to speak, made of endless skies of rain, heat, cold, snow or drought. Nevertheless, the same universe that offers us a home to stay, also comes with its cruelties to challenge mankind of civilization.
Cruelties such as poverty, tragedies, death, diseases, abnormalities, and many other misfortunes are offered to us in a package; a home loan consisting of adjustable "rates", swirling our fates into the ups and downs while making us pay a humongous payment laid on a fat bracket of interest.

The beauty of living lies in the tools that are already granted to us; such as our eyes to see, our ears to listen, our hearts to give and receive love and our mouths to speak. We are the product of ourselves and yet we ignore to see the goods that are given to us for free, without any charge. We always seek to want more, the best of the best, arriving at number one and nothing less or else we'd be disappointed, depressed, and let down by ourselves and others! God forbid we show some sort of weakness...we are an army of soldiers marching towards success over and over again, stomping and pushing our gigantic feet to get to the other end !!!....

Success to me is finding a middle ground between materialistic, financial freedom and spiritual enjoyment/enhancement of life...whether through community or family, through charity or kindness, through faith or humility; there HAS to be a middle ground that completes the full picture of your JOY, of your SATISFACTION out of life. Once accomplished, forever peaceful.

Maybe wisdom isn't only grown by age but also by character. Death, so inevitable...perfect in its own way; without explanations or excuses, visits generations of generations without a knock on the door or an invite to consider, striking us all in one single blow.

May we be among those who are fortunate to see the yin from the yang, the clear from the gray, the glass full from the half, the seen from the unseen and most importantly, the known from the unknown.

This reminds me of the beautiful song by Elton John; "Circle of life" where the King of the lions, King Mufasa, is holding Simba high up in the sky and subsequently loses himself through an unfortunate twist of fate, leaving Simba and his Kingdom in a dark place, until the new King arises...stepping into the throne of his father, fighting against all enemies and all odds, claiming his royal position and restoring his home to continue the circle of life when at the end holding his own son, his heir and pride for the future - a majestic story that still leaves me in awe.
Whether it be the animal kingdom or the human race; pride, love, ancestry, and continuation of life is seen in any form.

It's all a matter of life vs. death and at the end, the joys in between, right? :)

My 7th Heaven: 2007

2008-01-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

As we have left 2007 behind us, 2008 just seems like a number alone, digits that we haven't put any meaning to yet. Memories are still to be made within this new year as we cherish the memories, the beautiful or not so beautiful moments of last year.

2007 was in many ways a very blissful and exciting year for me. I got married in March and marriage has since then really suited me! I couldn't have been happier. :) Life has taken a total new twist within last year's journey and now that I look back, I feel like a more accomplished human being than ever before. I feel content and I am satisfied with all I have, but the eagerness of having the best in life still burns as a spark within me. Perhaps that's the energy that makes me...ME. :)

I have just come back from a nice vacation at my parental home in California. My flight to Oakland, California was late afternoon, but we left early in order to avoid traffic. I arrived at a good time and had enough time to grab a sandwich and catch up on my reading.
My flight went smoothly and I couldn't wait to see my sister! The airport was crowded due to the holidays, but when I finally saw Madiha running towards me I couldn't help but squeal out of joy. Our relationship is such, that we are more like 'twin sisters' than just regular sisters. I immediately felt like I embraced my replica, thus my lovely sister Madiha. The drive didn't seem that long since we were talking away, about everything; her life, my life, her studies, my studies etc. She said I looked very good and that my face was glowing and that my hair was silkier than ever. I of course referred her to the new hair products that I have started using lately. It's so much fun to just talk about these things and know that she puts the same importance on the things that I do, nothing has really changed! :) When making new friends, its often hard to talk about the little specifics right away, since a relationship is still about to be established, but a sisterly bond requires no formalities, no hesitance whatsoever. :)
Ammi Jaan (my mom) was eagerly waiting for me and my little brother, Sammer, was assigned to call us and inquire as to where we were on the road to parental home sweet home :)

Seeing Ammi and the warmth she carries with her made me really feel like a kid again. Running towards my mom happily and hugging her tightly felt secure and so sweet. My mom had all my favorite meals ready and the house was as beautiful as ever.

Nabeel and Sammer couldn't help but make sarcastic comments, haha, like all brothers do and I immediately felt a part of their clan. The coolness that exists between siblings is truly priceless, they reflect particles of your personality, making you realize to see the wit and humor you grew up with. All of my family was excited and happy to see me so happy and positive. I have been smiling and talking about hubby dear, all the good times we share and they are more than happy to listen to all the geeky stories I have to tell. :) According to my siblings, I have taken Azam's humor and laugh at things I never considered funny before. At times they think I am weird... haha I grant them their rightful observation. ;)

San Francisco is one of the places I really love. Walking down the streets and enjoying Italian food amongst great friends, was long overdue! Laughing, acting silly, taking pictures, noticing the attentive looks as we'd pass by, really felt young and refreshing!

2007, my seventh heaven. 2008, will surely be great!!! :)

Marital Bliss- Now “Mrs.” from “Miss.”

2007-12-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

I have noticed a soft hue on me lately. This is a glow that I always wondered about and found on new mommies to be or people who’d be truly happy within their lives. Now that I am a newly wed myself, this glow hasn’t left my side and I wonder; it must be my inner happiness that is recognizable on my face, therefore the glow?

The beauty of marriage is leaving its fruits in many forms. By finding a true companion, a good friend and supporter, all the good things in me have multiplied in massive velocity. It is true what they say, a girl blossoms into a woman the moment she is loved and cherished for. This strong willed, independent girl before marriage never knew that a man’s loving touch and practical approach would change her world so drastically that she’d be a little afraid of all the newly added blessings in her life. The beauty of it all is the wait and anticipation for the right time, the right person for the marriage to become this spiritual bond that still leaves me in awe and I find myself flying in cloud nine.

The sky looks brighter, the birds seem chirpier and the winds bring soft music to my ears. The sight of him coming home still makes me want to take a quick glance at the mirror before I open the door. The presence of a man, this strong built, sometimes scruffy looking programmer I can call my own who is simply normal, maybe a bit sarcastic and distant to the rest of the world, but it is the key to his heart that I hold and know exactly when to open and close, ha ha!

A woman is an incredible species; she has insight and carries a lot of love to share. Not only does she take care and makes her family feel at home, she is also always eager to help and doesn’t think twice when happiness is at stake, she will make the necessary sacrifices to ‘glue’ all the pieces together. This can be achieved with support and I emphasize SUPPORT alone, from the man that is a driving force behind her super powers. Reaching for the stars seems attainable when your other half is there standing in admiration and applauding your every move. Also, becoming each other’s greatest critique is very important for future improvement. The art is the delivery of criticism however; one can not just rant away a negative speech and expect respect in return. Keeping in mind that you still respect the other, the one negative comment that is about to burst out, should be converted into a “caring comment”. Changing the tone of your voice and pointing out how much you care, makes a whole lot of difference in the result that follows.

The bonding between husband and wife grows stronger over the years, especially when raising a family and the challenges are put on parents to perform as a team…communication is the golden key.

I look forward to that day when the house is full of laughter and fun. Where I am making cupcakes with my tiny helpers and 'baking flour' is spilled on their hands and faces, with the incredible sense of joy that comes with it.

As for now, I am taking it all in...hence; ”Marital Bliss”. :)

Domestic Coma - “A reeling, dark sleeping character”

2007-12-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

I am trapped in the darkness of my consciousness. The walls are creeping on to me like a wave of boiling lava, but I don’t move. I let it all come down until it dissolves the every pore of my skin and a heap of debris is left with a slight hope of survival.

Before the 'dungeon darkness' hits, I am trying to give my beloved home one last look; the chique damask wallpaper I carefully handpicked during my long quest for interior perfection is haunting me as I slowly drift away into nothingness. The beautifully laid out Persian rug and the Moroccan lanterns majestically hanging from the ceiling, unwillingly make me look small and insignificant as I go by like a blow of dust.

What am I? A mere being whose oxygen to breathe is purely more of a burden than a necessity? My perfectly painted finger nails may hold a diamond set or two, but these impeccable looking hands have seen days of labor, that of trembling and sweating when life’s struggles crossed their path. My nails remained ‘undone’, until the very notion of manicure stroke as exciting up till now.

The unbearing pain is opening doors to my very naked soul, whose capture is released of all fears, tearing its skin apart, digging deep down into the reality of me. Maybe it’s trying to grasp some truth behind this cut-throat façade?

I am unveiling myself to myself for the very first time. The dying fear of losing will not block me as I am in perfect harmony with my robotic actions;

From early awakenings in the morning to the washing of the dishes; throwing the every day waste is purposeful and in compliance of what I feel... empty.

Where’s life? I ask.

I am Home.

Writer’s Strike- “I don’t like”

2007-11-29T00:22:00.000-08:00

Your favorite sitcom, drama or comedy show may be on for one more week before the reruns will start pouring down the tube. Comedy shows like Jay Leno have ancient reruns playing of more than ten to fifteen years old I am estimating. Although, it is hard to tell with Jay Leno’s set of gray hair even back then, but his awfully wide, out of proportion suit, easily gives it away and of course the lighting and background set aren’t of this Era, one can immediately detect.

My favorites? I must say my guilty pleasure on Sunday night is none other than Desperate Housewives followed by Brothers & Sisters, which I only happen to like because of the focus on family and the quarrels between siblings I find so universal, don’t you think?

You may have thought that I have been on some kind of strike myself, due to my absence. But rest assured, I am always willing to write….no strikes for me, unless there is gain for pain; count me in! ;) Although, most of the time I am craving to write, I do find myself having mood swings as anyone else, ruining my appetite to share even the slightest bit of detail with the world. But then once I repress my feelings, I try to find outlets by talking people’s heads off….I go on and on and feel as if a void has to be filled by pure communication alone. I surrender. Writing is truly dear to me than I thought and I find it quite therapeutic. I wonder how the writers are doing? Pacing the curbside for hours and hours, holding elaborate signs in front of big broadcasting companies, trying to convey their message; more money for intellectual input! Oh, I wish I was one of them…I’d be happy to see Ray Romano or Robin Williams giving me support, bringing donuts to stand in solidarity. Striking for more dough couldn’t get any better, I tell ya that!

Let’s see how long the American public is willing to sacrifice their entertainment. Knowing that after upcoming Sunday, my desperate need for watching Desperate Housewives will come to an end, makes me feel like a true desperado…

Unless Heroes come along to save the day...uhmm never mind.

My Epiphany; BIRYANIIIIIIIIII

2007-11-10T15:54:00.000-08:00

Ever had the feeling of something standing in your way and you’d be afraid to try out, underestimating your abilities to the very core of your being? Your heart may be willing to take the chance but your thoughts would contemplate and play tricks with your mind?

I have. It is a familiar feeling to me. Taking that one step towards 'knowing' is as exhilarating and nerve breaking as driving a nascar. (which I haven’t, but must be in relation to the above mentioned emotions)…Maybe I thrive to remain in the “Unknown”. The mystery of not knowing makes me live life excitedly…? Or perhaps not?

We make things difficult for ourselves which in reality they aren’t. They’re just mere obstacles in our way to overcome what lays affront; an action or reward of some sort.
We may not remember the very first step we took as a toddler when making the transition from crawling to actually walking on both feet, but our parents do. They have encountered our fears and encouraged us along the way, letting the challenges appear much easier for us with their countless support and loving words. The smiles on our faces with the growing of a teeth or two must have melted their hearts like candle wax. Those very sweet and unconscious moments saved in a stored corner of our mind, we can not travel back to, but relive the same moments in our lives as we become parents ourselves; repeating the very same humane actions of nurturing to our very Young and Adorable, hoping one day for them to turn into the self-caring Bold and Beautiful.

Life is certainly a journey of chapters we live by. Some of us, quickly skim through the chapters and don’t pay attention to the very details of the story and some make an effort to comprehend and imply the author’s teachings in our lives, so that the forthcoming chapters would fall into place as one complete puzzle. Your author can be God, your parents or you YOURSELF. I believe in being the author of my destiny and God is my ultimate Guidance. Sometimes it is the other way around, whereas I am trying to guide God to write my destiny just the way I want …but to no avail. God is much smarter than that, His Guidance can not be misunderstood.

As I am writing this, I am sitting in my balcony outside, enjoying the November cool breeze with the sun that is shy to fully reveal itself. I look behind and this enormous tree is covering my sunshine. A few strands of the sun fall onto my laptop and I enjoy watching the sun struggling to shine through the thick moist leaves and branches of the tree, just to reach me. The sun’s exposure as little as it is, is truly gratifying to my entire soul. I feel loved. And gone is my sun, leaving me abruptly in the shade of life’s mystery….

I recently made Biryani at home. Biryani is a moghul Pakistani/Indian dish that is originated from the Moghul era of Kings and Emperors filled with authentic spices and saturated with irresistible aroma. This is a rich meal made of meat and rice to quench your senses and is wildly popular among anyone who loves Pakistani/Indian food. The preparation for Biryani is a step by step process and requires full attentive love. Biryani was very intimidating at first, since this dish was a favorite of mine during childhood and all the aunties or my mom who’d prepare Biryani for me, I’d instantly consider (them) magicians.

My impression of Biryani held a very high level for me and I was afraid that in the making of this special dish, I may not do justice to it…until…

...I made it! I followed each and every step and integrated some of my fresh ideas, but kept the originality intact, resulting into a blendful of tender spiceful marinated chicken pieces mixed into the glorious Basmati rice with flavorful bay leaves, cloves and cardamom seeds . Hmmmm…my work was done; the complexity of spices and the lengthy preparation seemed attainable for me as I no longer feel intimidated by Biryani. I feel accomplished, triumphant, maybe close to the oblivious joy I felt when I started walking (?), and more so; delighted for welcoming the 'Moghuls' in my very home. The beginning of a new chapter written and lived through my own eyes;
A tradition of spices and flavor I’d like to continue for as long as I am here…

…My very own tasteful Epiphany.

Excuse me, but I said NO...

2007-11-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

You must have encountered situations where you feel stuck and want to take the easy way out by saying 'no', but while your mind is signaling the red alert flag, you go ahead… open your mouth and say YES. The second right after that, you scold your mouth and your whole vocal system for producing the sound, even as small as a three letter word.

Why can’t I say NO??? How hard is that? Why please the other person for something that doesn’t make sense and you know you won’t be able to put your heart and soul into it?
Saying no is not a crime, it’s merely the truth for a reality that grows and becomes bigger until it hits home.

It is known that women tend to be very hesitant in their career fields and often when increase in salary or promotions are well deserved, they don’t negotiate and miss out on the golden opportunity. Men on the other hand, take business very seriously and think of their time as a race to successfully climb up the ladder of the corporate world. Of course there are plenty of women out there, especially in the business fields, who are as much as qualified, aggressive, motivated and efficient as their male co-workers and don’t take no for an answer. They are confident about their abilities and will challenge themselves to be the very best, a little bit of competition may just do the trick. ;)

I am definitely very competitive. My Real Estate career has always consisted of hard work, self motivation, self-education and a lot of willpower to succeed. I was working in the office with mostly men as my co-workers, but never felt different from any of them. The long hours and running around to meet deadlines, worked as an adrenaline rush and I’d easily be very disappointed if I couldn’t fulfill my own expectations. I had my own world of fabulous clients, piles of files and the energy boost “jamba juice” would give me during lunch :). My presence in the office was always acknowledged by my co-workers and they’d respect me in return for sticking to the business, while I’d make witty comments here and there and say something out of the ordinary. “Bam Bam” (like a slapping sound) was the nickname given to me for being the go-getter I was.

I always laugh when I think back of those days. One of my female friends told me that I was intimidating to men since I wouldn’t open up too much. Although, people knew me personally, but I’d never just waste my time and was confident to decline any sort of entertainment that I thought was distracting to my career. I said NO.

With friends and family I’d be very different and would easily pull my guard down. In fact, if you’d known me any better; I always enjoy long, goofy conversations, impulsive adventures and hilarious laughter about nothing and everything. You’d barely find me saying NO, I’ll be the one pushing everyone to get out of their comfort zone and live life to their fullest. I believe in moderation. One has to balance work, family and fun in a way nobody gets harmed and consideration should be given to everyone, such as our elders or our community.

The one thing that I find myself struggling with is declining favors/services for others.
I love to take care and help as much as I can, but sometimes I push myself to the limits. I wish there was a way for me to be in many places at one time. Saying 'no' in situations like this, when intentionally everything is good and the cause may be good as well, but my mind is not willing to cooperate, is quite hard. I love being selfless, putting others before myself, even if it requires sacrifice, I’ll do it. Not just for everyone, but for people and causes I hold dear to my heart. I can’t say NO.

Here's a Flashback to when I was a growing teenager, trying to differentiate the good and bad. Spending a very regular day with my best friend since our days in elementary school:

“Danielle , where are we going?”
“I was thinking we could hang out in the Mall today, Naila”
“Ok, no problem, I said.”
After 20 min. of walking around, she approached a group of guys and girls I wasn’t familiar with and started talking. I stood there, lingering around, not knowing what was going on.
“Hey, I think we should go see that store, I said”
No answer. She was apparently very busy.
“Why did she change so much in High School?” I thought. One of the punks started to lit up a cigarette, most likely filled with drugs and handed one over to Danielle. She handedly took it over and just as she was about to take one puff, I shockingly reacted: “What are you doing??? Don’t do that!”

Nobody seemed to care. They were enjoying each other’s company. What had happened to her? The girl I knew loved horses and acted in plays. What had gone into her?!
One of the crazy lunatics thought it’d be funny to offer me one. As disappointed I was in her, I looked at the guy with anger building up in me, I yelled out NO!.. and walked away, never looking back.

The year 2001: Went back to Holland to wrap things up and eventually settle down in California. While I was finishing up on my wish list, I passed by my favorite bakery and couldn’t resist but stop to have one last look at my favorite Dutch apple pie.

I walked inside and was instantly welcomed by the buttery aroma of cake and pastries. While I was waiting for someone to appear at the cash registry, my eyes were fixed on the one cake I loved.
“How can I help you”? The voice said.
I halfway looked up and finally decided to buy the cake and was ready to indulge.
“Well, I’ll have the apple pie”. As I leaned forward to take out my purse, I caught a glance of the girl behind the counter. When handing over the money, I looked in her eyes. My instincts were telling me it was her, but this girl looked way too old for her age. She looked more of a stressful middle aged woman than her actual 19 years.
That is when I blurted out; "Danielle! Is that YOU?!"

I couldn’t find the same excitement in her I was looking for and decided to tone it down a bit. I asked her how she was doing, but her responses were as lifeless as she looked. I remember leaving the bakery with a weird feeling. Silently praying for her, the friend I shared such good times with I now discovered withdrawn and somber as if someone sucked it all out of her.
I was sad...feeling so helpless and questioned 'destiny' for pushing me into the bakery, facing her outcome.

If only she could’ve said NO…

.Geek Invasion.

2007-11-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

I wanted to touch upon a more lighthearted subject. A subject that is close to my heart and I have had a good amount of experience with; not anything like poetry or shopping, but a more personable & lovable geek I live with, whom is recognized as my husband and mr. gridviewguy himself. (of www.gridviewguy.com)

What is a Geek and to whom, what kind of people can this term really do justice?

“ A person with a devotion to something in a way that places him or her outside the mainstream. This could be due to the intensity, depth, or subject of their interest. This definition is very broad, and allows for mathematics geeks, engineering geeks, sci-fi geeks, computer geeks, various science geeks, movie and film geeks (cinephile), comics geeks, theatre geeks, history geeks, gamer music geeks, art geeks, SCA geeks, literature geeks.” geeks,

Such devotion towards subjects, computers and scientific studies usually fall under the expertise of bright people and when this bright person happens to wear glasses or maintains a nerdy/simple look, unaware of any worldly attractions, he/she is declared a geek. Geeks are often neglected or remain secluded in their world of analysis to further perfect their skills. Changing the world in many ways, they work behind the screens and contribute to society in valuable aspects we may not find mesmerizing. Here’s a great description of a typical computer geek I found, alas my husband:
“A bright young man turned inward, poorly socialized, who felt so little kinship with his own planet that he routinely traveled to the ones invented by his favorite authors, who thought of that secret, dreamy place his computer took him to as cyberspace -- somewhere exciting, a place more real than his own life, a land he could conquer, not a drab teenager's room in his parents' house.”

The inevitable Bill Gates with a personal fortune of $56 billion hasn’t made his Microsoft empire just overnight; a lot of dedication and determination must have gone into his work. It’s the early years in a man’s life that can make all the difference. The harder you work with fewer distractions, the more fruitful your future is. I have to admit, in my early teens, I was quite the geek myself. I was wearing Elton John glasses (the very round ones), wore braces, always sat in the front row in class and had my hair tied up almost every day. Also, with the grim weather in Holland, one was keen to snuggle up with a book and a cup of hot chocolate. Aahh, sometimes I miss those very cold days when my main concern was to cycle back home and embrace my mom’s cooking with the opening of the front door and I’d take in the warmth of our home.

You may be familiar with the reality TV series; Beauty and the Geek, produced by the very hilarious Ashton Kutcher. Women grow up having a vivid image or fantasy of Prince Charming. In these series, a bunch of good looking women, not necessarily smart, are teamed up with ultra alpha geeks to compete in a contest of intellectual games and social knowledge. The beauty queens aren’t attracted and somewhat distant to these men, but what I find fun to watch is how they slowly appreciate their opposite sex and become intrigued by their talents and intelligent strategies. This show puts a spotlight on geeks and makes them look capable of being more than just geeky. Some of them turn out to be pretty handsome looking. ;)

Beauty and brains is a fatal combination, a total package men look for in women and vice versa. Maybe deep down you are geeky, but the expensive cologne or pounds of make-up makes you feel like a million bucks. Let’s face it, the world accepts anything less than geeky and as a result we are rejecting people left and right, only because their simplicity isn’t infatuating for us to be willing to give them one other look. Keep in mind, clothing and style are changeable, but character and intelligence is build over the years and cannot be replaced, it’s rooted from within and generously given through inherited genes. You may think your position is powerful enough to change your ‘hunk’ or ‘babe’ into solid sincere material, but be aware of artificial side effects. ;)

Let’s get smarter and convert ‘Beauty and the Geek’ into ‘Beauty and Brains’, starting right here. You may pass by another Bill Gates at school or work and not pay attention to this humble & modest being while you’re waiting for a Greek god/goddess to arrive and immensely impress you with looks, but as it turns out, hasn’t read any books ;)

Seriously... be realistic, what are the chances?

" Guilty as charged, Your Honor "

2007-10-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

We are either guilty or innocent.
Simple as it sounds, but when deciding the outcome of a battle, whether in court or behind your closed doors, it’s usually a complicated process one has to go through to be proven worthy of innocence or guilt.

And then there are those who have mastered themselves as being ‘innocently guilty’. With a pretty face or some other cover-up, such as wealth or fame, the innocently guilty ones escape their fates as if it’s a game of slots and fortunes.

Not to forget ‘the true innocently guilty’; those who are given the blame, but their decency and dignity does not allow them to get into pinpointing, therefore they remain silent and take on the innocent blame, hoping that time would tell the difference and reveal the truth. They aren’t saints, but they are aware of their patience and level of forgiveness. They wait and see, take on the bullet on behalf of someone else and if the opportunity is given, reign at the end.

The last described ‘type of people’ probably do not exist anymore and if they are, they’re either invisible or just totally cut off of society. In this Day and Age, I don’t think there is a living soul that does not defend their position when unnecessary blame is thrown to his/her face. The act of forgiveness through silence or approach is not practiced and many leave ‘the dilemma’ behind; not wanting to face consequences when fully ignoring and shutting off the occurred problems/people as if it’s a disease crawling up on them. People prefer to be left behind, since they already have other things to deal with. The society is merciless to those who sit still for a minute and self-evaluate the core of their existence when collecting the courage for compassion. Life should be all about having empathy for one and other and believing in the goodness of humankind, but for some reason we have forgotten to slow down by not questioning ourselves on the road to hastiness and materialistic happiness.

We are guilty as a society, as individuals for causing inner destruction in our minds, in our bodies and therefore in our surroundings. These are the same surroundings our kids will reside in, copying our every move and carrying on our habits as grown-ups later in life. We have taken away ‘innocence’ and we’ve surely become experts in sugar coating ‘guilt’ with purchases, luxuries and unnecessary desires.

When a foundation of a house isn’t built strong enough, the house will eventually collapse, either with a blow of strong gusty winds or with the pressure of heavy rains making the house, once called ‘home’, fall to its bits one by one. The same blow or push can also enter our lives as trials to challenge us of our strengths and faith, determined not to leave us alone, until we’ve proved ourselves worthy of living in total surrender to a power that’s higher than our realization. We must acknowledge and give in to the natural course of life and feel free of any imperfections we so deliberately try to hide.

If we’re not guilty of robbing innocence through massive influential ‘dirty’ media and allowing to befriend negative elements entering our children’s lives, for the sake of catching up on ‘latest’ desires, ...

...then what are we?

Grey’s Anatomy; What to wear?

2007-10-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was trying to find something worthwhile to wear today. Something I hadn’t worn for like the hundredths of times. After another thoughtful glace at my wardrobe, I gave up and plumped myself on the sofa with utter dissatisfaction at the outfit that was literally ‘wearing’ me out; My “don’t care, am at home anyways- sweats”.
Now I do love wearing them, but after a long time doing my cooking, cleaning and chores one’s gotta get sick of them, and so I was…today. I finally was “over” my sweats I once so loyally adored. I declared myself officially out of love with them.

My taste in clothes changes like the seasons of the year. Presently, with the changing of colors in trees, I find myself leaning towards a more somber, deep palette. Hues of deep maroon and blues dipped in the darkest of night, pop to my imagination and linger in my mind until I find myself looking for that one outfit to quench my thirst. Ladies, I know! We’ve got a common problem here, it’s an epidemic. I, however, go a bit further and follow what’s on the runway in Milan, Paris and New York. Nothing obsessive, I’ve just always been aware of trends, call it my European influence while growing up in the Netherlands; fashion is something I certainly find in the utmost of glamorous Splendor.

This Fall season is all about the greys’, the metallics, the deep purples, the layering and furthermore the emphasis lies on ‘comfort’ in the oversized sweater dresses we’ll most likely find ourselves in, paired with comfy leggings that are decked in boots. My oh my….that’s what’s the LOOK for today! ;) Grey is a color that lies in between black and white and really stands out when combined with the darker colors. Grey’s a neutral color complimenting any skin tone and who’s brave enough to accompany you with formal or informal occasions, either layered with a nice blazer for work or accessorized with a belt around the waist for a night out with friends.

Vera Wang’s new collection; ‘Simply Vera’, has noticeable grey’s and purple tones with frolic (this word originates from the Dutch: “Vrolijk”, meaning; happy, merry) & playful touches to the hems of skirts, blouses and sweaters. I love it when a big designer finally makes an affordable collection for the normal public and incorporates the latest fashion. Not only are designers becoming smarter in marketing their products, but this mass production of brand clothing is easily available to us online through different markets, such as China.

Have you ever, even by accident, stopped to watch an Asian/Korean channel along the way and observed their culture through their soap series or other entertaining shows? Well, I have. In fact, I was recommended by someone to watch a Korean drama based on a very innocent love story full of mischief and fun. The one thing that really stood out in my eyes was the modesty of the show; the story lines and characters were heartwarming and fun to watch with the entire family. There was no indecency whatsoever and above all, the actors were splendidly dressed in the very latest fashionable brand clothing. From the ‘watch’ they wore on their wrist to the style of their hair, everything was impeccably presented and I was in awe, not only with their fashion sense and humoristic behavior, but also with the young flawless looking skin; has gotta do with green tea and seafood, I tell ya! ;)

* Back to Basics *

Let’s get an up-close look and dissect the neutral in Grey’s Anatomy (not the tv series! :)
From Wikipedia.com:

Neurology: The substance that composes the brain is referred to as "grey matter", and for that reason the color is associated with things intellectual.

Parapsychology: It has been asserted that those who are suffering from the mental illness of depression have grey auras. ^[5]

Parties: A "grey person" is someone who goes unnoticed, a wallflower.

Psychology: The color grey represents pessimism whereas its opposite, optimism, is represented by the color rose. A concept that is in a Grey area is a concept about which one is unsure what category in which to place it.

Religion: In the Christian religion, grey is the color of ashes, and therefore a biblical symbol of mourning and repentance, described as sackcloth and ashes. It can be used during Lent or on special days of fasting and prayer.

Sociology: Grey symbolizes mediocrity, the background noise of society.

UFOs: Tiny grey aliens, with large, tear-shaped black eyes are referred to as "little greys" in popular UFO conspiracy theories and in science-fiction.

Funny, isn’t it? How one word can have several different meaning in a variety of contexts? Whether the color is used in Fashion or scientific analogy, ‘grey’ has definitely a lot more depth than I thought! However, one dilemma remains unsolved; what to wear today? Oh well, I’m not obsessing today and neither tomorrow. As the Psychology section states above: “A concept that is in a Grey area is a concept about which one is unsure what category in which to place it.”

Let’s just say I don’t want to be unsure, so now I know to place my concept of the Grey's in the category of, surely enough…

Shopping!!! ;)

.My Nana. "Dedicating this blog in his honor"

2007-10-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

“Today in the midst of rain and cloudy skies, I looked up and silently prayed for my beloved Nana Jaan. As I was breathing in the air of newly-mown scented like grass and a combination of freshly poured rain still dripping on the sidewalks of the street, raindrops fell on my shoulder when walking underneath the giant tree gracefully holding itself together looking tall, carrying all the tears of the world. For an instant I felt vulnerable in the openness of Nature, yet so alive to feel the rain on my skin. My realization of ‘life’ in the occurrence of those ten seconds took me in the realm of sweet embrace…”

My last visitation of my Nana Jaan (Maternal Grandfather) will always remain a vivid memory of mine; the day of his Funeral when we met on the glorious hill, standing beside his peaceful abode with family and loved ones. United we stood, mourning a loss of a personality that was of brilliance and greatness.

A writer was born within me the moment I laid eyes on my Nana Jaan’s praiseful replies at the letters I so carefully wrote in Urdu with the usual imperfections of a beginner, almost ten years ago. His appreciation for my work was inspirational in my teenage development and really helped me understand the poise of writing and the beauty of our Urdu language. I was always fascinated by his talented correspondence in English or Urdu, both languages he mastered so elegantly.

Nana Jaan must have encouraged countless students during his humble years of teaching art at the College of Lahore, Pakistan. Raising ten beautiful children, providing them excellent education and sending them abroad to become successful doctors, engineers and businessmen, didn’t come easy in those days. Fortunately, with the support of my lovely Nani Jaan (grandma) always on his side, they both seemed to accomplish the very best and were beautifully rewarded for their efforts later on in life. Their marriage of more than sixty years withstanding all hardships, yet filled with enormous blessings was a celebration on its own.

My Nana’s artistic skills are passed on to his children; such as his eldest son whose success as a Doctor and hospital owner in California, still made him bond to his cultural values and roots by his dedication for the Community. My uncle’s love for Urdu Calligraphy that is displayed as volunteer work in the community, beautifully reflects his Father’s, (my grandfather’s) teachings and upbringing. The Art of the Pen, whether through calligraphy or plain writing, is a form of cultural heritage that must stay intact and carried on to many generations to come.

When creating this blog, I was looking for an outlet to pour out my feelings and thoughts to raise opinions and question my intellect. At first, I did not grasp that in the absence of my Nana Jaan’s letters and honest praise, I’d miss him immensely through my writing. But deep down I realized to continue my passion in putting thoughts on paper, how mediocre or silly they may be. If Nana Jaan was adamant enough to write his daily events in his well kept journal each and every single day, then I’m proud to follow his footsteps to my own capability, knowing that if he was aware of my online journal today, he’d be overjoyed. As the brave man he always was, he would encourage me to carry on and not take any disappointments along the way.

“Hereby am I, Naila S. Azam, dedicating my journal to my late grandfather, my Nana Jaan; the very well respected Mr. Nasir Ahmed Khan, whom I’ll always love and remember in my every written word as a tribute to his Mastery of language and Sublime intelligence.”

Yours truly,

Naila~

.Soul Mate, "tWiStEd" Fate.

2007-10-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

Weddings may be an essential part of our Pakistani culture, (speaking for myself here) but the Institution of marriage is also one Universal language that is understood by people from all walks of life. Whether you impulsively marry in Vegas with Elvis as your only witness or tie the knot in your very well and long planned lavish wedding…it all comes down to one thing; commitment and commitment only.

Now, it does fascinate me how different cultures, traditions and customs come to existence and especially how they beautifully come in affect when two totally different people from different families and backgrounds decide to live their lives with one and other, a union of two souls. The question however is; Are you the One happy soul in togetherness or the confused individual soul?

The matter related to ‘soul searching’, ‘soul mates’ and finding ‘true destined love’ is an ancient practice of astrologers when defining the search for companionship through predictions of stars, planets and galaxies. How it all wonderfully comes together as my friend “destiny” plays itself out. A very heartwarming movie; Serendipity, one of my favorites, starring John Cusack and the very lovable Kate Beckinsale who plays an interesting character in search for true love by challenging ‘destiny’ to give her a sign of assurance. What I mostly like about this movie, apart from the wonderful actors, is the concept that revolves around finding that ONE thing we all look for. The quest for inner happiness that exists somewhere around our aura (spiritual being) as we try to catch it in the fuzzy whirlwind of our energetic whirlpool (lots of whirling around here I see! ;)

Some of us succeed and some of us fail along the way and mistakes are made repeatedly until we ask ourselves what we truly believe in. The religion of Islam for instance, does believe in the making of destiny “Taqdeer” as we call it. One of the 5 pillars of this magnificent religion. When God and religion come into the picture, then it’s just a matter of holding on to your faith and truly believing that God has laid out a plan for you. Naturally speaking, every Divine Plan will not easily fall into our laps, so each one of us puts himself/herself out there to be recognized and eventually be ‘chosen’ to fill in the gaps in each other’s lives with the union of Marriage.

The issue on soul mates always makes me thinking in how I understand the Universe and the magical journey of Destiny. I truly believe that there is more than one soul mate out there for everyone. My definition of ‘soul mate’ is the person you connect with spiritually and are in sync with. This can be your husband, your very best girl friend or perhaps someone you may never have met and may reside on the other side of the world. Your soul mate can come in different shapes, sizes and colors and pouring out your ‘heart and soul’ for that person is not always literally meant in a ‘romantic way’. There are more depths to one’s soul than can ever be measured and understood by one companion alone.

We make friends as we go in life and always rely on their friendship to be there for us, a matter of give and take, but sometimes we asks ourselves whether the giving part was a bit too much since the return wasn’t so great in this friendship. You wouldn’t like to overdo it, since feelings and comfort levels are at risk. With a soul mate however, again whether it’s your spouse or class mate, the established connection is such at ease that it does not require much thought at all. There is a flow of camaraderie, a satisfaction in your every silence, and comfort in your every emotion.

I must add that if you are on the quest for finding that special someone you can romantically spend your whole life with, believing in your destiny whether it’s through prayers or silent birthday wishes, nevertheless the powerful component of self respect should always be practiced. The more respect you hold for one self, the more paths are laid out for you to walk on.

Having an arranged or love marriage will at the end not make a difference, since the ones that are spiritually connected will always triumph over those who haven’t found themselves yet. Chances are higher when intelligent people reach to the bottom of their soul and question their existence in front of God, asking for happiness to come their way, speaking their own raw truth;….they become the fortunate ones, picked by Destiny to share that one special Soul Mate for life.

Even if that ‘Soul Mate’ has entered the room and is hurriedly asking to hand him over his clean socks, ha ha ;) Even then….

Seinfeld, a comic relief.

2007-10-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

I am sure all of us have had favorite & not so favorite tv shows, the ones we can not live without and the ones we immediately zap right through, finding the slightest appearance of a face or character unbearable. I have to confess; Seinfeld was one of the tv shows that I could not stand. I never gave it a chance to entertain me or be amused by the loony Kramer and his wacky way of entering Seinfeld's apartment. To me, Seinfeld was too old fashioned and the glamour was missing. I also have to admit, that I wasn't too keen on their appearances. The short bald guy George Costanza and Elaine's irritating hairdo's, which by the way made her look very old, were reasons enough for me not to give it my slightest bit of attention when judging this intelligent show by looks and looks only. Such a pity I must say now...

My opinion and views about Seinfeld have totally changed since the day I got married to my 'Geek'. My husband Azam has always been a big fan of the Seinfeld series to such an extent, that he remembers all the dialogues and instantly knows by the opening icebreaker of every episode, the story line of that particular show. Now its just a matter of an announcement from him every night at 10 pm to assure me which episodes are a "must see" and surprisingly all the re-runs of Seinfeld seem to awaken new enthusiastic reactions from my husband, even though every scene is always predicted and branded in his memory.

Good comedy is truly priceless. I was always such a "Friends" viewer only, the glamour and looks were like a gem to my eye. Like an expensive pair of jeans at Macys rather than the simplistic pants at Ross for half the price. The quality always overdid the quantity in my eyes and media served well in the making of this concept; the so-called state of mind or 'frame of tv' we live in. Why are we so attracted to glamorous objects and ignore the simple, yet the most defining things in our lives that save us more at the end, whether its our pockets or our mental being?

I know I am going off topic here. Starting off with Seinfeld and slowly on drifting towards products? Well, the comparison I made got me thinking about the things I view in life and Seinfeld (or lets say my husband) is a driving force behind it. Believe it or not, but the intelligent comedy behind the simple 'average Joe' used in these series, targets everyone around us and makes us feel more human as we go through the very entertaining stories without being forced to believe in the characters, until we find ourselves laughing at the very rustic looking Kramer or the deadly sarcasm that is hidden underneath Seinfeld's smirk to make his mark while beating his opponent with his precious weapon of words. I love it. What more can a viewer ask for when looking at comedy that may seem a little blunt at first, but so addicting and entertaining once you get a taste of it.

Playing with words is like playing with fire in the comedy world. You must add a pinch of wit and a tablespoon of charm to your lines by trying to make a point to the audience for not forgetting the one thing we all need in this crazy world....and that is for sure;

...Comic relief.

.The awakening.

2007-09-24T23:12:00.001-07:00

I am writing my very first blog in the wee hours of the night. I can't sleep. My mind is racing as I am creating stories for the next day. Stories with characters, my character. In my thoughts I invent, I enter places and discover possibilities that my open eye could never see in broad daylight. I come alive in a world that may seem dark at first, but oh so fascinating once thoroughly explored and creatively imagined.

What if my thoughts would create reality for tomorrow? What is so strong that holds me back from sleeping, from shutting my eye and thinking endlessly of happenings in life? The mind is powerful and it leads me to the one place at night; my ultimate dreams.

I have always wanted to become everything. I never knew what goal really to follow. Is there a writer in me? Or a Fashionista? Do I enjoy working with children or will my culinary domestic skills finally be recognized and I'd be a host of my own show? Questions from a mind of an all-rounder who wants it all, yet is forced back by nature to follow one path. One path alone.

I still am looking for the key to all these exciting places. My mind still wanders and will never stop questioning. You all may call it sleep, A nap time for your body after a hard day at work or perhaps the tiredness of life itself. I call it...

."My awakening".

.No Fuss Persona.

The Ramadan Journal: “Oh, Mother!”

The Sunday Report

The princess of my heart...

A Hallmark Moment

Festive Moods

Motherhood

Countdown!

A New Look, A New Beginning!

opportunities

deliriously happy or sick?

Focus

Leaving 2008...

Home Sweet Home

Planet Earth

Flair for Fashion

Worth

******Snowflakes******

budget crunching

Thanksgiving

A Testimony To Poetic Truth

In Lieu of Happiness

Clearing Confusion

A New Perspective

Work

Monthly Midol

Deeds

Purpose

Change, finally!

Vote!

Invisible Lines

Babies "R" Ours?

Confidence - The mastery of life.

Are you prepared for the worst?

1 year of Blogging

Invisible Lines

Drama O Rama

Fobs vs ABCD's

Artsy Crafts

Wants vs Needs

A game of Soccer

Blessings of Khilafat (3rd Prize winning Essay)

Changes

KCC Celebration - minus the chicken.

Wise Beyond Years

The Pursuit of Pastry

Naila Nation

New Job Jitters

March Madness

Love or Arranged Marriage?

Oooh Valentine?

Starting Over

Sleeping Beauty

Death, an inevitable circle of life.

My 7th Heaven: 2007

Marital Bliss- Now “Mrs.” from “Miss.”

Domestic Coma - “A reeling, dark sleeping character”

Writer’s Strike- “I don’t like”

My Epiphany; BIRYANIIIIIIIIII

Excuse me, but I said NO...

.Geek Invasion.

" Guilty as charged, Your Honor "

Grey’s Anatomy; What to wear?

.My Nana. "Dedicating this blog in his honor"

.Soul Mate, "tWiStEd" Fate.

Seinfeld, a comic relief.

.The awakening.

Snowflakes