I find it rather disappointing to walk into the Bakery section of my favorite grocery store, expecting to find a good slice of pastry when I am craving for an upscale cake, but on the contrary; am constantly greeted by "foam- filled, whip cream topped, biscuit -less pastries" with a presentation of 'good show' , but no dairy quality.
Are my expectations too high? Or am I making a good point?
Is it too cynical of me to criticize my surroundings and crave those memories of heavenly deliciousness when making a trip to the bakery in the midst of Dutch living? Finding excuses to return my so called overdue books at the library (bibliotheek), were only made possible by the lurking smell of yummy strawberry filled croissants at a bakery around the corner...
One couldn't possibly resist. Now, you must be declaring me a total food fanatic or an obsessed out of control freak emphasizing on the very small details of pastry perfection. Although, I know for a fact that all my fellow European immigrants will second me on this and probably share the same pain and desperation for fresh, pure organic dairy baked in all its glory for the purpose of seducing mankind to its impeccable design.
The experience of my knife touching the crispy crust of biscuity cake and breaking through a wall of thin sliced almonds...hmmm...stumbling upon a triple layered department of chocolate, vanilla and a gooey pudding-like mixture, laid on a fresh baked carpet of biscuit-crust topped with whip cream, is surely exciting for a one year old celebrating his/her birthday to an eighty year old treating him/herself a good piece of surmounted sweetness.
The movie "Waitress", starring Keri Russel whose keen on having a very sweet love relationship with the pies she makes in the shop, shows a certain passion that I am trying to convey and perhaps serves as a backbone to my pointless ramblings on pastries. You see, a preparation of some sort, whether it be a pie or a pastry, requires attentive care in the 'intensive care' of patching up ingredients to make it eventually survive the robust world of competition and ignorance. Such ignorance towards the beauty of art, food and simple childhood to grown- up satisfactions.
In the city o
f Purmerend, Holland a bakery used to exist, filled with customers lining up to get fresh bread in the mornings, croissants for their elaborate breakfasts and pastries for their appetite in the late afternoons. An environment of people bicycling with baskets of groceries on their bikes, running their errands while snacking on heavenly goods. A city that was a suburb with its cows in the farms and the development of new housing, I could've never imagined that my thoughts of today would take me back to those memories that I considered a daily normalcy. A life style that wasn't taken for granted, but that was lived and known as the only 'life' I had...until the same life was twisted upside down to welcome a new life style, a new place and new pastries.
Pastries that I still haven't developed the taste for yet. The "Dutch" in me hasn't accepted anything less than the quality I grew up with. It has replaced my indulgence temporarily for an all American cheesecake, but it surely hasn't hit home yet....and it may never be.
I will not surrender as of yet, but I will be searching...for that, that makes it all worth to even travel overseas to lure me into the luscious bites of what I call,
...a Perfect Pastry... ;)
As I was driving back home from work, I tuned in to Sangeet Radio 1460 fm Houston and got caught up thinking in calling them and answering a thoughtful question. The question asked to the listeners was; What would you change about the world? Or America in particular?
I was keen on letting them know that the very first thing I'd like to see as a change would be health care. I didn't elaborate on my answer since I thought that by saying health care, my meaning to say universal or much affordable health care without corruption of profitable government entities, would be quite obvious. However, now I do regret for not explaining a little bit of my standpoint regarding this issue. The next thing I said was the perspective of people on Islam, especially on those youngsters who need to redefine this beautiful religion for themselves. I then blabbered on saying something about other perspectives around the world that needs to be changed and I remember saying in my head; Naila stop! Enough talk.,...its a radio talk show, not a long melodramatic phone conversation with your friend!
Soon after my call, I could imagine myself sitting in a studio talking to "the world" about all the topics that I find important and the world is currently dealing with; the upbringing of children in this society, the countless attractions surrounded in our daily lives, the hatred, the lies, the love and the commitments. All of it. I could imagine taking people's phone calls and consoling the parents not to give up, but pray and emphasize "good" in their children and similarly I would talk to young people in their own voice, in their upbeat style and mentality to not only connect but also "live" through their troubles and moments of joy. A radio show that would offer a big sister, a good friend and a soothing voice to heal and move on and perhaps learn a thing or two from.
A funny program, full of laughter, little mishaps and a relief for those who are disconnected with their inner-voice...frantically in search for purpose and sheer joy. The simplicity of living lies in sharing I believe. I love to share. Not only that, but I HAVE to share. A day without sharing is mostly incomplete for me. Ok, these past couple of sentences are starting to sound like a kindergarten 'sharing song'! :) Oh well, sharing is caring...just sing along!
When you come to think of it , there are so many people in the world with personalities that differ and are unique in their own way. Some like to share and some not. Some don't care at all of what others think and live their lives in their self-created cocoon, a safety net for unfortunate failures.
Then there are those called, open books. They won't mind turning each and every page of their book and reading it out loud for you accompanied with details and spontaneity, story after story depicting themselves as the head character, either deadly boring or engagingly fun.
I hope to maintain "fun" in my sharing sessions, whether it's sharing my happenings throughout the day or sharing a certain view on an important topic, one shouldn't become monotone or pessimistic.
While it is easy to delve into everything you say and regret the things you haven't said to clarify your standpoint later on, it is also very important not to forget that your voice is like an echo of your thoughts. The mouth may blabber the words per se, but the mind gathers the words and filters them into rigorous critiques signaling less self-worth and low self-esteem as a feedback, unless those same words, after filtration, are converted into happy thoughts.
Are you catching my drift? haha...the same is happening right now. After my radio phone call, I went over my words and really criticized myself for not saying more, for not saying perfectly what I had planned on saying. I could feel my thoughts struggling in my brain while I was driving, the negatives were pulling hard against the positives, pushing them farther and farther out of my mind. I could feel the pressure hoping up in my thoughts, the anxiousness in my physique started to appear, the sadness and disappointment of an imperfect performance was taking place and I found myself staring at an endless road. Driving in a robotic state of mind, I felt as if my mind was a different part of my body until I began to realize the foolishness in this! Why would a certain event that lasted 1 minute long have such an effect on me? Why would I think about it over and over again, until I could hear my skull cracking? I then put on a song and sang to the unfamiliar lyrics, feeling the sun through my tinted windows and as I drove home I gradually felt the mind relaxing since the struggle was over. Finite.
I slowly parked my car in the lot, made my way upstairs, opened the door and smiled as I entered and greeted my livable apartment. The mind wasn't signaling anything, but a cup of hot tea!
Naila's nation in my head withdrew itself, preparing to combat and battle upon a different venture of life...soon, very soon.
My tea, sizzling hot.
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow is my very first day on the job and as smooth as my interview went, I do feel a little jittery for starting off a new job. You must know, I have been out of work for almost a year now (beside some article writing). However, during the interview I felt as if I was back on track and my interview couldn't have gone better. I was confident, precise to my answers, attentive and witty when the need arose. I also smiled in between sentences which probably kept my conversation fresh and exciting.
You know, I really did a good job and I never felt nervous throughout the process. I like people asking me questions, I like answering challenging questions and most of all, I like to prove myself. This has been an ongoing inner struggle within myself; my self-worth. It's funny how I mentioned that my very first years when moving to America were essential to me, like my first teller job that I took and how it changed my approach and confidence in people and myself. I also said how much of a big role it played in developing people skills and getting to know America's culture. A country so vast and diverse, made an ever lasting impression on a girl who 10 years ago was sitting in a Dutch High school, wearing round glasses and braces with her hair neatly tied in a pony tail, a shy girl with a strong need to learn and absorb every little detail the teacher taught, while taking the front row seat in class.
Ha! I can't believe I said that! I remember saying it in a very summarized way, concluding my answer about the growing journey of a teenager who embraced America and in return received a jar full of worldly knowledge. I remember saying that in a very short but poetic way. The employer would nod and say something nice; his eyes would flicker with the every face expression I made. I hope that was a good thing. Hmmm well, I remember him saying that he thought that I was bright and energetic! Not only that, but today I received an email with another compliment about my many talents and how good of an asset I'd be to the company! I liked it! It's good to hear all that, especially when you've dedicated yourself to domestic pursuits throughout the year and so was I, Naila,
happy to have found myself as an independent girl when walking out the enormous building, knowing that I can be super wife, super daughter and yes, super employee! :):)
I need to arrange my closet and my first day on the job is tomorrow. What shall I wear? I may go with black formal pants and a nice shirt that has flared sleeves with embroidery on the neckline...hmmm....or maybe I should skip the embroidery for now and go for a starch white blouse...?
My new job jitters are starting to appear. I am happy.
March is the month of severe weather, thunderstorms, possible tornado warnings. March is also a month of fashion with NY Fashion week kicking off its newest collections in the previous month, fashion shows all over the mainstream capitals start gearing up for Spring. March is also tax preparation month and a killer for those out there who have to pay up and are starving to save a tidbit until the grueling IRS period is behind their back for at least a year.
March is stressful for students studying for their midterms, sipping gallons of caffeine to stay alert when eagerly awaiting to finish their darn semester. March is Spring Break when you can take a breather or rather regret your kids being home. Ohhh March...
And you know what?
March also celebrates my 1st wedding anniversary. 25th March to be exact. So as we are busy in March, we are marching ahead and completing our tasks, knowing that March may come with some obstacles but March is fresh and new. March gives us bloom from seeds and new birth from a dreadful winter embracing warmth and happy beginnings. March that is.
In March there is Basant (kite-flying festival in Lahore, Pakistan) and there is Easter with mr. Bunny and his colorful eggs. In March there is Aids walk, the one I wanted to attend and am now reminded of, as I am typing? hmmm. March also ended the long-stretched Writer's strike that all of us were dreading and were hoping it would end sooner, oh well, better late than never...my favorite shows will finally air and I'd be able to call it my TV-Sunday!
In the month of March, Dubai's annual shopping festival takes place attracting more than 2.5 million visitors from all over the world. I'd certainly have to see a festival this big! :)
March also welcomes the real "March Madness": The men and women basketball tournaments. These tournaments determine the national champions of college basketball.
If dunking a ball or buying a pair of heels is what you like, then you are free to choose your own madness. Mine is lost in the midst of trying to learn how to bake cookies and on the other spectrum; to stand on my feet and accomplish long-set goals.
March will set new ground to an establishment for all of us; whether it's taxes, a new baby, a new career, crazy weather, or a new spring fashion spree...we are laying a fertile soil for our little plants to grow on, promising a fruitful summer ahead of us!
If madness would come in the form of my dear friend March, I'd gladly accept it...won't you? ;)
'The happily ever after’ moments are very well tattooed in our minds from the time we are kids reading fairy tales to the very reality of growing up and realizing that 'happily ever after' may take another route before reaching its destination.
Marriage, a holy matrimony between two souls uniting in harmonious commitment for life, is a sacred occasion every girl dreams of. The preparation of finding your dream bridal dress, the perfect location for walking down the isle and the strenuous decision of choosing the right flowers matching the bridal theme, are scenarios every girl fantasizes. A dream so pure and beautiful in thoughts, yet sometimes, is harshly unattainable in existence. Human nature has evolved drastically with the rapid growing technology of today and marriage has been given a whole different meaning. People have become aware of their surroundings and demands by paying a more detailed observation when finding a mate.
The concept of love marriage is far more lenient than before within the Eastern society and generations of culturally diverse ethnicities living in the United States are integrating open-mindedness and tolerance with the changing of times and traditions. Girls are no longer marrying for the sake of marriage alone; they have a deeper understanding of commitment and are willing to take risks within their personal growth of intelligence and intellect. Love marriage is usually defined as a very liberal act of personal decision making, whereas arranged marriages in the West are confronted in a demeaning, force able way for not pursuing your own life partner.
The perce
ption of a marriage without initially falling in love is strictly looked upon as an emotionless bond, an alliance per se within the consent of parents alone. This is however an untrue factor for the educated households believing in traditional matchmaking over a string of dating consequences. Values of such sort are created in the environment of a community that holds dear to moral ethics and contradicts the exposure of women in a materialistic society where looks are given precedence over intelligent capacities. The question remains to be taken under the loop and studied in various different angles;
Is love marriage to be perceived more seriously than arranged marriages, or would you rather say an arranged marriage is ought to be safer, since played on common grounds?
With the growing trend of youngsters trying to find their own life partners it is worrisome for many parents to give up on their power of knowledge and wistful life's experiences. Parents have taken a backseat. They may or may not enjoy the ride, but when happiness is at stake, conforming to their children's ideals is usually the best thing to do. However, parents who are liberal in thoughts steer their kids to the right people and let them decide what's best for them, preserving their enthusiastic mindset in the domain of challenging the right from wrong.
Along the line of pure and pious living for Muslim youngsters, a relationship that is sought for marriage purposes is a more permissible act within the eyes of God and the family. Our society has succeeded in designing a women's mind to easily mold into conventional male perceptions and feel pressurized for living up to the expectations of such meaningless pursuits, leading towards insecurities and paranoia among young women.
The wait for a marriage proposal within a long-term relationship is often a stressful period for the women to inhale, without the guarantee of an actual commitment for the investment that was put in from the very core of the female heart and soul. Such heartbreak and misuse of sincere feelings is a direct chain reaction of decreased faith in the unity of marriage around us. A protected wall of secure and sound decisions in the form of parents may be well served to such tragedies happening nowadays. The outcome of a marriage is not determined by love or an arranged fixture of destiny; it is determined by trust, respect, tolerance and communication.
By solely making your own decision or weighing in the decisions of your well-wishers, one can not lean towards the one or the other for reaching a successful romantic life. Fate that is based on arranged marriage may come in with baggage of maturity and in-detail background research paired with family commonalities, likewise, it may not uphold the kind of fate that was woven in the heat of passion and attraction towards each other. Similarly, fate itself can easily turn its back on both, walk away and never look back.
When I touched upon this subject with my mom, this is what Ammi had to say:
" Playing the role of a parent and trusted friend, we are well aware of the actions of our sons and daughters since they have proven to be loyal to our beliefs and values. In return, our unconditional trust is given to them with the knowledge that they will make decisions based on righteousness and good moral judgment.”
Awww, thanks Mom! :)
The hope to find true love remains a struggle for mankind and is repeatedly defined as a new product to lure young people into thinking of exposing themselves at an early age, packaging it as entertainment and fun, while gradually depriving the young & confused from a beautiful vision of marital commitment.
When the Holy Prophet of Islam, before the announcement of Prophet Hood, was given a marriage proposal by Hazrat Khadija, a courageous 40 year old widowed business woman, the Holy Prophet accepted the marriage proposal. A very unconventional marriage had taken place in the times of the Prophet, more than 1400 years ago. It was highly uncommon amongst Arabs to marry widows. Hazrat Khadija's boldness and confidence is praise worthy; she was known to be a poise and noble lady.
In today's world a woman's boldness is defined by her body language and the art of seduction, rather than the innate understanding of finding supportive structure in life. The marriage was arranged by the woman herself and resulted into the most lovable marriages of the Holy Prophet. An arranged marriage that was initiated by a woman, is somehow seen as a lack of substance in the 21st century where there is claim to be more modern, much more progressed, where secularity is pride, where marriage is a trial of boredom and is inevitable with the fast growing excitements of the day.
The individual concept of marriage should be revised and taken into positive consideration, whether the conduct of marriage is arranged or love, nevertheless statistics may speak their own language, cultures may enforce their ideology, at the end it's the two people involved who make it all happen...
through thick and thin, for better or for worse.
To those who have loved ones and to those who are spilling their hearts out today to declare their love, who are showing emotions on an 'official given day' whereas the rest of the days it doesn't acquire much publicity, where there is pressure for men to perform and bring home the roses and chocolates anticipating women to drool over them, to those I say ; Look closely at your family and the love of your life; have you really appreciated their company, their surroundings day in day out? Has their presence truly enlightened your soul throughout the years or have you spent most of the time bickering/avoiding/or defending your stand point? Now, don't get me wrong. Valentines is sweet in its presentation, but a bit shallow in its commercialized approach. Of course everyone has their own creativity of delivering the perfect Valentine and again no problems with that. As a woman, even I had to drop a few hints to get the "special treatment" today. But you know what? My love has never lessened or instantly increased just because Valentines decided to announce February 14th the day of love.
haha, my words may come with a little sarcasm, but I am a true romantic by heart and soul. I would encourage men to treat their women with love and make them feel like a princess, but the reality of the matter is that even Valentine would frown upon the many deceitful relationships people carry around with them; the smile, the charm, the promises makes them look lovable and adoring, but the two faced personalities have it all mastered, all figured out.
If there is a day that I would like to be an official day on the calender, before Valentines day...that would be the day to respect and believe in morality, to love unconditionally without the "pretense" of beautiful packaging or bouquets, to hold ones promise and to fully approach on it with purity and decency, a day so pious and full of truth, to truly love someone as if your life was depending on it, to shed tears of utmost joy, to kneel in front of the Creator who has given us all the blessings, yet still we remain ungrateful. If that day approaches anytime soon, I'd be the first to walk the parade, I'd be the first to carve out a heart so big that the whole world; white, black, brown, yellow, purple, green....all of it would fit in. perfectly.
As a society we are guilty for commercializing ourselves far too much, to dramatize "love", how sweet and beautiful it may seem from the surface, digging it deeper to its core one would find a note asking to question ourselves, our role, our character in the movie of the year, called Valentine. The critics may not applaud, your loved ones may not give you a standing ovation, but to follow society and rules, you will blindly walk ahead and ignore the natural signs of stepping back into reality, putting importance on impressing friends with an exaggerated story where you surprised him/her on this BIG day of supposed love.
Love to me is pure, it is natural like a mother bird feeding worms to its baby birds, it is beautiful like the blooming of a new flower, it is fulfilling like eating a bowl of ice cream and it is surely incredible like an unexpected miracle from the Higher Powers of this Universe.
When receiving a beautiful rose stem from my loving husband today, I was excited to give it its own place in a vase on the side table where the color red pops out, like bright red lipstick on starch white skin. His one rose was a sea of rose petals for me leading towards a destination I know of, the safe haven of trust and such intense love that is shown through sweet commitment. That is in existence between a husband and a wife, from one person to another.
My valentine isn't justified for being married, but it is justified for having a clear view of love...labeling the relationship with any name doesn't make a difference as long as the intentions are clear. My emphasis will always lie on this, whether today or tomorrow...we need help as a society to stop sugar coating the true meaning of living and start living a life of true purpose and love.
My heart goes out to those students killed in Chicago today in the lecture hall of their University. What statement was the shooter trying to make on Valentines day??? Why the killings? Why the violence, hatred and desperation of taking lives? What is happening to the young???
Love should not be alone, it shouldn't appear for one day and walk out the door in all its selfishness. I am deeply sorry for the losses and I pray for betterment, for a peaceful future where our kids later can be sent out to school without the fear of them not returning ...ever again.
I will rest my case here. The jury has adjourned Your Honor, off to eating chocolates and making it all disappear with the opening of a wine bottle and the arranging of beautiful gifted flowers... tell me...whom are we kidding here?
-------
Starting as a new born baby in this world with the growing pains of learning, falling and getting up again...I have decided "starting over" isn't a big deal anymore at the age of twenty five. I also realized that "time" can never be late, since the time spent towards improvement is never wasted, even when failures and disappointments take place. My disappointments are very self-destructive, the ones I don't like to talk about, but always make my stomach turn from the inside when I think about. More so, these are expectations that I highly hold for myself in order to live up to my own self-reflection. The outer world perceives me as a whole person, but the "Naila" in me always has a fine niche for criticism somewhere lying around. I have decided to fill in that empty spot within me, mark it off in a (self)-application box and never regret. Stop it right there!
Starting over in a new career, a new place that has taken me almost a year to explore with my homesickness to California; I have taken a vow of discovering new adventures in Houston, whether it be career related or entertainment wise, life will be much interesting once I step outside in the overbearing sun of Houston with its massive hugeness applied to every building and every step I take. Nevertheless, I don't feel lighter, I don't feel triumphant, but I feel a sheer joy crawling up on me, knowing that this may become the most exciting year of my life...apart from the 'newly wed' roller coaster ride of last year.
I have been sending off resumes all morning long, expecting to receive an answer, a phone call or someone squealing at the other end of the line begging to hire me....the one and only and yes!...I'm back in demand! :) To every employer I apply, to every building I gaze...I find myself walking in a business suit dealing with tons of real estate transactions, I somehow drift away into the security of my home. The nest that I have build over the past year, this soft embrace of household satisfaction; the hourly brewing of green tea is just a couple of feet away sitting on my kitchen stove from pouring into my teacup, the little trip to the balcony in the afternoon to water my plants and the soaking of my feet in the calmness of the sun---can never and I repeat never be replaced in a fast paced working environment where the AC will be turned up high, resulting into layering on clothing over clothing, killing the fashion, where stress is another way of paying off youthful energy and slowly, but daily chipping away on mental stability to make place for the so-called rat race, the chase of a lifetime . Melodramatic aint I? haha!
Naawww, I am over thinking it a little. Maybe starting over and facing the people will bring new experiences for me to laugh on and share with. I am a people's person hidden behind this computer screen, making a buck or two by observing the world as it is through my apartment window overlooking the boring parking lot.
Richmond Ave. Houston. Texas. The World.
The reality; My world. I better push the START button or life itself will push me OVER the fence. Starting over that is.
" DIFFICULTIES MASTERED ARE OPPORTUNITIES WON "
I find it rather disappointing to walk into the Bakery section of my favorite grocery store, expecting to find a good slice of pastry when I am craving for an upscale cake, but on the contrary; am constantly greeted by "foam- filled, whip cream topped, biscuit -less pastries" with a presentation of 'good show' , but no dairy quality.
f Purmerend, Holland a bakery used to exist, filled with customers lining up to get fresh bread in the mornings, croissants for their elaborate breakfasts and pastries for their appetite in the late afternoons. An environment of people bicycling with baskets of groceries on their bikes, running their errands while snacking on heavenly goods. A city that was a suburb with its cows in the farms and the development of new housing, I could've never imagined that my thoughts of today would take me back to those memories that I considered a daily normalcy. A life style that wasn't taken for granted, but that was lived and known as the only 'life' I had...until the same life was twisted upside down to welcome a new life style, a new place and new pastries.
