Sunday, October 19, 2008

Babies "R" Ours?

All this time while I was being absent from you, dear diary, there have been some major changes in my life. Azam and I have purchased a beautiful home and we are very happy as homeowners. The house is marvelous and we are trying to fully enjoy our home. Its been quite crazy while I've been absent from you, but nevertheless, I always feel the need to turn to you in times of happiness and all the other ups and downs of life.

Many a times have people asked me now about babies. The question that has been haunting me since the day I made the one year mark in our marriage. At first, I was happy to answer and I'd confidently say; "Oh,we'll see" but now it has come to a point where the questions are beginning to become a bit annoying. Now, I know the people who ask out of curiosity or out of love, but when I go to the mosque for instance and a total stranger 'aunty' walks up to me and says;"Why should I say anything to you, when I don't say anything to my own daughter about having babies"...I often get startled and am left literally speechless at times, not comprehending why someone who barely knows me would impose such a private question on me. Yes, I said it people...I think it's a private issue between a husband and a wife. I am not being ungrateful. I love kids, in fact I was the eldest daughter of my parents and I literally took care of my siblings like a motherhen. Marriage for me is a growing process; not only am I satisfied living with my husband, but I am also enjoying him and our marriage thoroughly. Of course, with enjoyment there are disagreements and the usual bickering so now and then, but all in all, we are doing great.

We are planning ahead for the future. Then why is is that I feel so unqualified or sometimes I feel as if I am sinning by not having babies right away? The observing eyes of people and their lingering thoughts is something I really dont mind, but to degrade a person by asking her all the time becomes very's only been one and a half year!
Is it so important to prove yourself of fertility right after marriage? Can't one just wait and plan financially and emotionally? Luckily, Azam and I are on the same page and we are smart enough to understand and cherish the moments we have now. You see, everything is divided in phases or chapters. To me, this chapter in my life is beautiful and exciting and I am more than sure that motherhood will be precious and mind blowing. I seriously drool over babies. I love them; their tiny hands, tiny feet, the smell of baby powder and then the small joyous moments of laughter that is free entertainment when having this little bundle in your life. I know it and I surely look forward to it.

I have seen moms losing themselves over kids. Not building their identities over time, can cause damage to their confidence and makes them feel insecure in front of their husbands. Its reality and everyone knows it; a woman can't be used as a trophy wife or else she'll suffer, unless ofcourse you've set your mind to living like your husband's shadow. Now, this isnt said as disrespect to husbands, it's only said as motivation to women who think the only thing they can offer is being a wife and mother and unfortunately lose themselves over this process. I admire those who are strong, confident and secure with being a mom and wife...I greatly admire them and one day hope to offer my kids the life I've dreamt of. :)

As of right now, my husband and I are acting like kids ourselves. We bought bikes and since we can park the bikes in our garage, we feel like two excited kids who get playtime to enjoy a ride outside! :)...

Life is sweet and it will be sweeter. I am just saving honey for the bees.


Shukri said...

it's natural that you feel this way after all the scrutiny that you are under! but dont worry about what people's just their desi thinking which makes them act like they do. enjoy your freeeedooom!! and prepare to enjoy your chldren when the time comes:). life becomes a fun-filled topsy-turvy roller-coaster after that!!
and i must congratulate you that you express your thoughts very well in your writings. good luck!

Naila said...

You're so sweet! Your support and understanding means a lot to me!

My online diary doesn't talk back at me, but it has been very cathartic for me to write down my feelings and experiences. Maybe one day my kids will look back at this and know how I felt...or maybe how I changed.

Only for the better! :)