Monday, July 21, 2008
I have decided to make a couple of changes to my blog, such as the slow and steady changes I am about to make to my life. Not the "eat smart, move more, sleep well"...changes, but the changes that will allow me to become more focused when trying not to procrastinate in achieving life's goals. A more inner-change that is needed an abrupt make-over through the heart of an innocent, but the eyes of a fiercer, much faster world.
Eating smart, moving more and attaining more sleep are changes that I am already allowing myself and within myself to change as they have started to appear from all fronts, but the changes that I am mostly concerned about is the change in my focus. More than once have I allowed my mind and heart to wander or go off the path of direction when it came to MY life. MY life wasn't as important as yours, you see. I'd be doing all the right things and still at the end, I'd be the one either getting disappointed, let down or plainly upset with the behavior that was thrown at me. I have realized as I am growing, how less of an affect that should have on my own personal goals. The emphasis on "MY" or "I" isn't automatically understood by me, as I have always cared and taken care of other human beings surrounding my world of goodness and good natured people. Unfortunately, goodness is not always paid back with gratitude or appreciation and therefore I am here today, starting and realizing the 'reality check' that took me years of understanding in how the world revolves.
A family member in Europe may have said it right when he said and I quote; "There is no God in America". I often wondered what he meant and why a pious man like him would make such a big statement. I now fully understand his dismiss, which wasn't towards America itself but to him it was the experience he gained while being in America and the environment in households had made him say this. The approach of life in all its selfishness, the busyness and the disregard of basic human feelings as it all moves faster and faster. Progression, money, love, good looks; a beautiful presentation to the eye becomes a severe poison to the mind.
Now, I believe to be an optimistic person; you'll see me smiling most of the time and even if I don't feel like it, I will still make the effort of trying to remain pleasant outside. Inside, in my own world of comfort and trust...I question my living and criticize myself at times for not doing better, for not pushing myself or waking up during that one incident when all was well in my thoughts, but in reality when I came across evil, I was not able to detect it as clearly as others have/had. Loved ones may call this being gullible, but I have now come to a point where I find it enormously annoying to spend my time with an amount of good intentional 'heart and soul' and get ditched at the end either by a single comment, total ignorance or lack of appreciation.
An optimist like me is often struggling with challenges to differentiate the good from the bad, but can not fully comprehend the sake of cutting back on people that carry evil or have intentions of not seeing you succeed. ???. WHY? I ask? Would you say a cynic is far better off understanding the cruelties of the world residing in people's thoughts and daily activities? Or is it the optimist that is doing a far more better job in trying to change the situation or the perspective of such a person while spending an enormous amount of energy, just to do good?
Isn't the life of a realist conveniently stronger for him/herself? No explanations, no lack of self-esteem, just the pure intake of oxygen every day and the faith that there isn't a single person that would do good to you unless you do good to yourself.
Surprisingly, I am aware of all the different types of identifications, whether it be optimists, pessimists, cynics, realists, chauvinists; all of it. I am sure we've all had to experience them in our life somehow, one way or the other OR we became 'them' for a short period of our lives.
A period that we have either buried and decided to step away from or it's still haunting us, lingering in our minds, appearing in dreams or nightmares to be reminded of.
Ha! You see now that's life, they'll say. I am still asking though; what is LIFE? Isn't life the choices we make of adapting one of these identifications mentioned above? Aren't we fully in charge of our realism and living, knowing that this ID would fit our personality the best? Then why is it that along the way of 'living' we tend to change or perhaps consciously decide to change into someone else we didn't prefer first hand? Life can pressure you, it can force you into that change; humility becomes pride, generosity becomes greediness and innocence becomes harshness.
To give it a different twist, to get a taste of your own medicine, I would like to take all the elements and bring them into a more positive sunnier side. A side I so deeply believe in. If humility can become pride then why can't pride have the strength to become humble? Why doesn't greediness become more generous or harsh mindedness become more innocent-like? Because it does! Now, that's the optimist speaking in me and I tell ya this... it happens!
So as a conclusion to my very own thoughts that have been confusing me lately while I was completing my chores, taking care of my household, studying for an exam, I have finally come to an analysis that perfectly describes who I am and what changes are necessary to make in order to remain Positive, yet Realistic and yet Pessimistic when the need arises so that at least ACTION can be taken for the wrong doing of others to you! You see, seeing the glass half full is great, in fact it's wonderful and one should keep on doing so, but seeing it half full at all times, even when reality gives you a kick in the head, trying to desperately take you out of the GOOD, throwing you temporarily into the BAD -- it is about time to realize that GOOD still resides within you, but now it's time to take a step back, breathe and realize that not everyone is as good of a thinker, as good of a doer or as good of an intention holder as you are.
Therefore my friends, life is interesting. It's interesting to see the changes that take place in humans. I don't think that I can ever become the girl that walks into the room carried with pride and self-love, who does not open her mouth un til someone approaches her. I can never be like that. I am the girl that walks into the room with a smile (hopefully a white smile with the regular usage of crest whitening strips, ahhh!) and engages herself into conversations with people whom she finds real and interesting. A certain charm is lived through my eyes, a charm that I call 'the love for life' rather than constant love for one self.
I see them, I see them in corners and I see it in their acute observing eyes; the foxes that stand still and take in all you have; your body, your clothes, your jewelry, your body language...they take it, stare at it, read it and then perhaps either laugh at you inwardly or can't accept the envy that builds up within them. Them, I know.
My jokes, my silliness and love for life will still carry on at the age of twenty six and you know what? I have changed. I have changed in my focus of life. Thanks to my husband, who has been a driving factor of realism for me, thanks to my sister who has been the inspiring factor of motivation for me and thanks to my lovely Ammi jaan (mom) who has been the living factor for my existence.
An existence that will never create an expense to someone else, but rather make profitable gain by adding good and 'good' is all it takes. No more.