Dear Diary,
I've had a rough time writing to you while I was gathering my own thoughts and trying to make sense. I was facing extreme selfishness by someone who'd I think would be the last person to be this inconsiderate. As it turned out, I was wrong. I've been wrong from the start. From the day I made this commitment and its just now that I've started realizing it.
I was beside myself. I felt used and my thoughts were frantically looking for some logic. Maybe all of this is not supposed to be logical, maybe this is how it is, how would I know?
I've done and I am still doing the best I can to be the very best I have to offer. Even though my love still continues to take care and be supportive, I am slowly dying. The sarcasm and the selfishness never ends. Everything's gotta be a certain way that person likes, beyond that, nothing and I say NOTHING matters. The "me me me" aspect of this relationship is killing the very core of all that is beautiful. I am patient, I am silent and I am cautious. I don't say anything anymore. I have stopped making plans for enjoyment, forcing me to focus on my accomplishments, of what I want to do. I am sick and tired of taking care of tasks that are only adventageous to the other party without acknowledging my efforts and attentive love. How stupid can that person be, to deprive me of my joy, thus of our happiness by putting importance on just oneself? Please tell me, explain it to me, since I don't understand.
How can love be so selfish? Is this love or just a compromise? Why do I feel as if my head is going to explode? Why am I not put at ease by a calming voice, saying that I am the best that has ever happened. Why is it so hard? I also wonder how the distance is bearable when two people are 'supposedly' in love? In this case, the distance is visible and growing bigger by the minute, I guess its not "love" then. I have tried to fill the gap, but who am I?
Every relationship requires 'give and take', every relationship hits a rocky moment in which you start doubting everything. However, when a relationship is continuously challenged with lack of respect and useless critique -- a neverending episode, no matter how much you'd cover it up for the time being, it will always come back and slap you in the face. In the moments of desperation and sanity for words, here's what I wrote>
VALUE
How much am I worth?
Is my worth lesser than the house I live in or the car I drive?
He said so.
My pockets are empty; I am empty within (my womb)
I feel nothing, I hear nothing. Only the sounds of my thoughts.
What have I done to earn this injustice?
What have I done to earn such insults?
What is my worth?
I cherish life; I appreciate you, my home, my everything.
I take care; I cook and clean.
Dinner on the table for you.
My entire love is granted to you.
Whom else can I turn to? Does God listen?
Does He listen through my tears?
I feel nothing. I have no one. Just my loneliness in this house.
My smile is wiped off and I am suffering. "Don't cry", I say to myself.
I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart.
I have seen many tragedies in life.
I've lost a father, tragically, through the evil eyes of the world.
I've lost a part of me.
My mother does not see me from afar.
I know she feels my pain of belonging.
I smile and speak good.I smile and listen to people who judge and say to bear children.
O you people! Do you know what I feel?
I want to hold those tiny fingers and say their mine. Only mine.
I want to see my resemblance in an innocent face.
Faces who cling onto me and seek safety in my lap.
I am born to care.
Please fill this gap.
The house, the car is not mine.
The furniture I sit on, is not mine.
The things are superior to me.
Who am I? What am I? Am I "it" ?Am I a woman who is cherished?
Am I a woman? What is a woman?
My eyes are swollen from the tears that have flown.
I cover it with make up and appear at work.
With a smile so bright, it actually hurts.
I will work hard for a future that is just "time".
A family that I have lost in a dream so pure.
I've got nothing else, just "time" to endure.
What is my value? I ask him again.
I'm slowly fading into silence and mayhem.
My mind is my friend and God I only trust.
I am hurting for everything I do, thus, I ask:
Why am I here if you can't see & hear?
Why am I here if I am not a woman, but a man?
A man with no emotions, just price tags attached.
No life's worth, just material goals attract.
A man who is superior above his wife and claims,
A return for his investment in interest paid.
Don't put me to shame!
I wonder and ponder over the respect he demands,
When all this while my love was his command,
I wonder and ponder over the measurements of our roles,
Weren't we one soul, together, accomplishing goals?
Money is evil of all things, I agree. I offer you my life as a fee.
I will pay back in glorious amounts and then, you will be proud to be one of the men.
Who works hard to pay the bills, unaware of who he might kill.
I will love him forever, as death do us part.
Tears of yesterday and tomorrow.
Drown me in the river; am I re-born?
From the past and the future.
Where do I start?
2 comments:
As I read your post, I couldn't think of anything to say to you. I don't know what you are going thru in your life, so it's a bit hard to give you any advice. But I will offer you some.
From experience, I know that relationships are not as easy as they might look. If there are smiles then there are also tears, relationships are a mixture of everything. I got married at a very young age by choice, and have never regretted it. But that doesn't mean that at times, I haven't had tears in my eyes. Both of us have grown together, to understand each other, to know what we want & need from our life.
From reading your post, it sounds like you are in pain, & someone is ignoring that. Money is important in life, but not as important as LIFE itself. I have learnt this the hard way. Today, I wouldn't exchange being with my hubby, the love of my life for anything. Marriage is a holy matrimony, aside from all the hurdles involved it's suppose to be soothing. Please don't doubt yourself, I am sure you are doing everything that is right. Don't let your true self disappear behind the closed doors. You are worth more than anything money can buy. Have a baby, if that's what both of you want. It will bring a new energy in your life. But first both of you need to be in the same place mentally & emotionally. I know people say, have a baby it will solve all your problems that's not true.
I always thought, if I just kept quite and just nodded to everything my hubby said then that would make me a perfect wife. But my hubby wanted a person to love and share his life with not a puppet. He needs to accept you with all that you are. I understand we come from a certain culture, where women cry their eyes out and men stand proud. It's wrong, women are not suppose to be doormats. As I heard someone say: "Aurat na tou pairon main rakhne ki cheez hai, na hi saar pe bithane kii cheez hai. Aurat tou DIL mein rakhne ki cheez hai". You should be respected and appreciated for everything you do. You need to talk to him about this now before having any lil' ones who will be looking at you for direction. He needs to be a good husband before he can be a father.
I hope I was able to help you a little. I could feel your pain thru your words. Please don't cry, it's futile if the other person doesn't care. Let me give you a big hug. If you ever need to talk I will listen. You are worth more than anything materialistic.
Thank you. Thank you so much. I felt the need to write it down and perhaps find some satisfaction through my written word. My prayers are always there and I am always pleading to God to give me strenght as this is just a phase. A 'phase' life throws at you from time to time.
My sadness wouldn't have been so severe if I knew I was at fault. My sadness was derived from the shock that I faced after being the best I could ever be. I am now doing much better. I talk whenever its neccesary and I voice my opinion (like I've always done), but the only difference is that I have become alert. Alert of the fact that the person you love the most, might find you unworthy. Love to me was selfless and beautiful.
I have been in a lot of pain, but I am now focusing on what is good and I'll live with that. My love is unconditional and will always be, but I have faced a hard truth, unknowingly that this would ever happen -- I am the same old "happy-go-lucky Naila", but with a fear in my mind that is perhaps stronger than my own existence.
I have loved so much. I have given so much. I am being patient and praying to God to let go of this fear. I was only looking for security and love and like you I have never regretted marriage. I love being married. I love the man in my life who has made me better through his companionship, his sense of humor and faith in my abilities; our teamwork is just amazing. Mashallah.
It may have to do with all the sudden prosperity in our lives and the evil eyes of those who can't seem to digest our "happiness". I don't know. I am grateful to God and I will stand strong.
I love babies and I am looking forward to that phase in my life of becomoing a mom, taking care of my little cutie pies -- in the meanwhile however, I need to redefine certain relationships in my life and grow together. People always say 'go have babies', but the fact that a baby is an individual life with its own needs and rights is usually ignored in our Pakistani community.
It will take me some time to get over this shock. I am now focusing on a promising future. My intelligence and my energy can not go to waste by waiting for attention and/or appreciation or being the woman I've always dreamt of and worked hard for. My hard work will continue in making someting out of myself.
Unfortunately, in today's world, one has to achieve something "tangible" and for women its extra hard, but I am up for the challenge. I am ready to work hard for myself now, to have a vision of becoming greater than life and achieving all of what is expected from the people I love and more so, from the "Naila" who loves life and sees every 'obstacle' as life's enjoyable 'challenge'. :)
I thank you again.
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