I have been wide awake all this time, trying to force myself to get a goodnight sleep and ignore the nastiness of my ongoing sinuses and trails of tissues I am leaving behind everywhere. I am stuffed; I can't smell nor taste anything and my mind seems to be occupied with deep thoughts and the concern to get better before work starts tomorrow. I don't really feel sick. I feel a mixture of happiness and anxiousness all at the same time. Happiness that is visible from the tangible energy I can feel in the air; the kind of new hope that is about to arise next week Tuesday during the inauguration of President-Elect Obama. People may not be too excited right now with the harsh situation of our economy and our very own pockets, but the feeling of "change" is definitely felt and acknowledged.
Even though my runny nose is making my life quite miserable at the moment, especially when I went to the bakery section at HEB to get croissants for breakfast today; I felt nauseous with the sight of my own tissue holding up to prevent from sneezing into any of the glass cubed cases while I was picking out the croissants (ewww yikes), feeling like a leaking germ machine. I left the store hurriedly and made my way home feeling unpleasant about my journey even though I was able to stick a chocolate glazed donut in my mouth while driving. I thought the donut would soothe my senses, but I was wrong. I couldn't taste a bit of my sugary glazed donut, instead, I was chewing down huge chunks of bread-like substances down my throat and felt nothing -- literally nothing. A donut is supposed to break all barriers of distaste and feeling of hopelessness. My donut however, didn't do anything.
I also stopped at Walgreens to get the best cold/flu medication they had in the aisle. With my head down and my pashmina shawl across my mouth, I was able to make it to the aisle all the way in the back, without a sneeze. I then looked for the heaviest medicine and decided to consult a "friendly" pharmacist of my products. By then, I had picked a Nyquil, a box of heavy Tylenol Cold/Flu tablets and a pack of cherry flavored Halls to chew on. The pharmacist was of Asian race like everyone else there and I couldn't help but think of how much they were earning and whether they were feeling comfortable working amongst their own species. I was feeling fuzzy and my thoughts were uncontrollably everywhere. The "friendly" pharmacist never blinked an eye, but had this intimidating stare that made me more aware of my condition as I was trying to prevent a ' sudden surprise sneeze' right into his face. I would turn my head to the side and pretend I was about to sneeze, just to give him a heads up in case an "accident" would occur. The pharmacist seemed the least interested in my life- saving tactics and explained the intake of the medication as any other cold, monotone pharmacist I may come across. I wonder whether they become immune to sick people? Like doctors for instance.
I was watching TV today when Grey's Anatomy came on and decided to watch the episode where sex, drama and illogical actions within a medical hospital are the 'norm' of the doctors' job description. I have been appalled by their story line in the past, but today, I had no strength to raise opinions about the writer's script, so I went along with my stuffy head and watched the entire episode becoming drawn into Meredith's cold character. Maybe because I felt delirious and illogical?
I noticed how often they display a character in such episodes that is an expert in his/her field, cutting people open, giving sarcastic but confident remarks, the straight to the point talk... and how often they are the ones who truly care about their patients, but keep on wearing a mask of indifference towards their profession, just to differentiate their emotions with practical approach. Isn't that a successful and less painful approach to accomplishing our goals in life?
I am sure medical students go through human emotions while learning about the anatomy of our bodies, but they are taught to be alert, to learn and keep their eyes open. I wonder how courageous that is, or is it called courage? To hide emotions behind a veil of professionalism and real practice, one needs to be in control of his/her weaknesses. It is easy to dwell into the emotional whirlpool of life, to lose oneself in irrational ramblings and grasping on to what is reality, but we forget that we are the product of humanity and that God is the only Creator with all the right answers...rightfully so.
I have given up on my emotional self. I have told "her" to disappear when I am irrational, illogical, nostalgic and perhaps too hopeful of happiness around me. The reality is, happiness is my self created perception in which I fully acknowledge God's greatest gifts; I thank Him immensely for everything and move on to become better, better than my own imagination.
The journey of betterment continues as I am finding myself visualizing a destination in which I am learning, teaching and 'giving' to those who are needy. I see the hard work and the sacrifice that I will have to make in order to gain, but I am up for it. I see hope, I see a change and I still see my youth glistening like a rainbow in a clear blue sky smiling upon the surrounding nature. I see and I feel. I feel the greatness of life while writing my thoughts to you, I feel the endless opportunities of this world while anxiously awaiting the inauguration. I feel worthy of my intelligence and know that anything is possible as long as I put my mind to it.
I am dreaming bigger with the trust in God that I have put everything, all my confusions and demons out to Him. They will slowly fade away and I will live life growing greater, knowing better, experiencing 'the new' and the impossible.
Nothing is impossible anymore.
(Alas, my "catchy phrased" letterhead to the new President!)